Weekend Flashback: Mr. Manners, Bathroom Edition
I originally published the article below in January 2006 and still think it’s funny to read. So tonight I’m going to share it again:
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This is the post you’ve been waiting all your life for. Well the day has finally come. I’m going to tell you about my bathroom annoyances. Yay!
Toilet Paper Positioning
Well, I’m not too picky about it. But what is up with the people who put it on the roll backwards? Ellen Degeneres has discussed this subject, and I agree with her. It does not make any sense for the roll to pull from the back. Look at the photo for an example. That’s how it should be.
Toilet Paper Stacking
Somebody in our bathroom at work sets one roll of toilet paper on top of the hanging roll. Why? This prevents me from using the toilet paper, because obviously it can’t roll if something is sitting on top of it. So I have to pick up the top roll and set it on the back of the toilet.
I don’t get it. Actually, I know exactly who does it. I don’t know what his deal is. Why do you stack your toilet paper?
Not Washing Your Hands
There is one guy at work who does NOT wash his hands after he pees. Why? How gross. I will never shake his hand again, nor will I touch the mouse on his desk, or ink pens, or anything he’s touched.
How rude. He’s such a nice guy too. I’m so disappointed.
Look, there is no excuse for people not washing their hands. Nobody wants to shake your hand after you’ve touched your dick. Practice good hygiene…or at least be considerate of other people.
No Courtesy Flush
When you’re taking a shit, you always flush after the main chocolate bomb drops. It helps reduce the smell. Please, do the courtesy flush. And flush again after you’re done, obviously. The people who use the bathroom afterwards highly appreciate it.
If you have an upset stomach, the rules change. Flush often, and clean up after yourself if you’ve made chocolate milk. Splatter on the rim is not hot.
In Closing
Sometimes, ya just gotta get it all out. Pun intended. I hope this has been useful and informative.
To the guy who doesn’t wash his hands…you’ve been warned. And to the toilet paper stacker…well, we’ll see about you.
There is one topic I purposely left out. I think it’s been discussed enough. 
Beware of The Economy!
Today I read that “The Economy” added 200,000 jobs last month.
Who is “The Economy” anyway? Is he like The Wizard of Oz? People are always speaking as if it’s a real human being with super powers.
If he’s feeling generous, he’ll throw the unemployed a bone and offer them a paying job. But if he’s stingy, he’ll take those jobs away and leave people in poverty. I can’t help but wonder why we idolize The Economy as if it’s the great ruler of the world.
Oh, and here’s another one I love. Recently a man told me he had a great job until The Economy “got him.” How did it “get him” anyway? There’s this scene in the movie The Village where a mysterious monster in a red cloak goes door to door. If you’re chosen, he will mark your house with a red swipe of paint. Is that how The Economy “got” the guy I was talking to? Like he was chosen?
Both of the movies I’ve mentioned above have one thing in common – A group of people believes that something powerful controls their fate. This larger than life force can either make them or break them. And in both movies, this thing was revealed to be a mere human in disguise, posing to gain control over the masses.
I often think The Economy works that way. As humans, we have to believe something bigger than us is controlling our jobs, our homes, our market. And by giving power to this belief, we let it dictate the terms which we live by.
The shocking truth is that we, the people, control this economy. People ARE the economy. And yeah, it sucks when we lose our job. Yeah, it sucks when we can’t afford to pay for our homes or put food on the tables. But that’s always been how life is – A series of ups and downs that shape us.
If we stop learning from life experiences, and instead just blame it on something like the economy, we don’t really grow or aim higher. It’s easier to assign blame than to just keep striving for success.
So you’ll have to understand why I cringe when The Economy is treated like a real person. It should just be treated like a general atmosphere that gauges the number of jobs and cashflow with a particular society. It’s a means of measuring. Please don’t let it control your dreams of the things you want to achieve in life.
Happiness comes without limits. The economy has no control over your potential for success.
Cuddle Bug
I’ve turned our dog into a cuddling monster.
Before Daniel leaves for work in the morning, he sits on the side of the bed and tells me to have a good day. Then he gives me a kiss and says he loves me. Depending on how lucid I am, I either carry on a conversation with him or just mumble “you too.”
Our dog Anna is sleeping quietly in the crate next to the bed. She was crate trained from the day she was born, so she has a very positive association with it. At night, we just have to say “go to bed” and she’ll voluntarily get in the crate and go to sleep.
One morning, I looked over at her, all curled up in a warm Schnauzery ball, and decided I wanted to cuddle. So I took her out of her crate and put her under the covers with me. Then I did the same thing the next day. And the next day.
Eventually that became a habit and she started looking forward to our cuddle time in the morning. Now when Daniel leaves for work, she thinks that’s her cue. As soon as he walks out the door, she sits in her crate and whines. I open it up and she jumps into the bed and goes to sleep next to me.
It’s a terrible habit and you should never reward a dog for whining. But on the plus side, she only does it in the morning, and as soon as she gets into bed with me, she goes back to sleep and doesn’t cause any trouble. So I’ve decided to let this habit stick.
Be You
The new year is upon us and many of us are going through a list of things we’d like to change about ourselves.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier, more successful, more outgoing, or whatever it is you plan to change. But don’t forget there’s something beautiful and special about the way you are right now.
You made it this far, didn’t you? So you certainly did something right. And while it’s natural to always want to be a better version of ourselves, sometimes we become so obsessed with changing that we lose our own identity.
Love yourself and be who you are… Whoever you are. Whoever you’ve been or aspire to be. Have a safe and happy start to the new year.
Hello 30
I turned 30 last month. It was on November 20, to be exact.
Daniel organized a wonderful surprise birthday party. It was a murder mystery with a group of friends. We all had roles and scripts. I was not the killer, in case you were wondering. But I was a suspect. 
And then when we got home that night, Daniel surprised me with a Nintendo Wii. I love it! Even if you think you’re not someone who enjoys video games, you should still check it out.
Bowling and baseball are both a lot of fun on the Wii. So are the Super Mario Bros. games, which bring back my sentimental affection for the ’80s. Some of the games really give you a full body workout too.
I didn’t reach all my goals before 30, but I’m okay with that. I wanted to be raising at least one child by now, but that’s still in the plans. It will just have to happen in my 30s instead. I also didn’t finish my first novel, but it’s for the best as well. I’m learning more about how to effectively build characters and plots, so I know it will be better than it would have been.
I did marry the man I love earlier this year. That’s a milestone to all its own. I’m very happy about that. And I did start my own business in 2007. I guess not everyone in their 20s can say that. So I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished and looking forward to what lies ahead.
Hello 30!
Becoming Bad Nathan
I sat at my desk chair, sweaty and flushed. My shirt was soaked and clinging to me uncomfortably. My head was dizzy, my stomach was empty.
The phone conversation started with good intentions and rational expectations. I always map out conversations in my head before having them. I’d given it a lot of thought and felt my requests were fair. The yearly Christmas itinerary with my family made me unhappy and I wanted it to change.
As it stands, Daniel and I are welcome in the family, but there’s an established rule that we “don’t act gay” around the children. It’s a horrible rule that was stated long ago when I was younger, and dumber, and not very good with words. I’ve grown up a lot since then and I feel very comfortable in my own skin. The days of playing Bert & Ernie are behind us.
So when I told my parents that I no longer wanted to play these roles, I thought they would be sympathetic. Perhaps explaining why and how it hurt me would humanize my struggles as a gay man. They say they love me. So if you love someone, and realize you’re hurting them, you should make efforts to fix things, right?
Apparently not. My family’s not having it. They “love” us, they want us around. But if I want to acknowledge that Daniel is my husband, and be our normal selves, that’s not going to fly. I was called “selfish.” I was told I’m just trying to be “controversial” and “difficult.” My parents told me that if we weren’t going to “act like we usually do, we should just stay home.”
Fine. Fuck it then. We’ll stay home. I’d much rather spend Christmas curled up with my husband by the fireplace, watching Miracle on 34th Street (the black and white version, not this technicolor bullshit), and enjoying some nice Appletinis while our puppy and cat nap nearby. Sounds grand.
So in summary, my parents don’t want us to come around if we’re going to be ourselves at Christmas. If that’s not painful enough to hear, they went on for another full hour about how “horrible” I am to not agree to their terms. What a terrible, terrible person I am. So not only am I basically kicked out of the family, but then I’m told that I’m a bad person for standing up for myself.
I guess I’m the villain. No amount of ration or reasonability can be had with these people. And I do love them. I love them deeply and genuinely. But their behavior is wrong. They’ll never see it that way and I guess I’m the outcast son now. But all I did was stand up for my true self. If they don’t love that person, then they can’t really say they loved or even knew the real me.
I hate being pinned as the bad guy. That’s how everyone in the family will see it too. Nothing gets under your skin like the disapproval of your family. We can act like it’s easy to walk away, and many gay people have done it. But it’s one of the worst pains in the world.
And yet they try to extend that olive branch to me… Like they are the good guys. “Just be something you’re not and you can come back to us. Don’t you want to come back to us, Nathan? Don’t you want to spend Christmas with us?”
No. Not like this.
New Chapter: Drowning
Below is another chapter from the book I’m working on. You can also read the previous chapter, Lead Us Not Into Temptation. Please provide any feedback or insights in the comments. I’d love to hear what you thought of the characters and storyline! Thanks.
DROWNING
Daylight was bursting through the windows of Brad’s bedroom, creating a slow rising heat. He tossed and turned as he dreamed. The mysterious vision of water and the breathless feeling of drowning was consuming him. He’d had this dream before but he didn’t know where he was.
Brad was intensely afraid of any water that was higher than his waist. It had been that way ever since he was a child, when he was pushed into the deep end of a pool. Now at age 27, he still grappled with paralyzing fear.
“Help me, please! Can’t anybody hear me?” He choked on his words, trying to break free of the nightmare. At some point he always realized he was asleep, but it was a struggle to shout the words out loud to wake himself up. Finally he succeeded in a slurred call for help.
Revised Chapter: Lead Us Not Into Temptation
Thank you for the feedback on the opening chapter of my book. I’ve talked with a group of people about it and also done some editing over the past few days. I believe this new version of the chapter is an improvement.
I was surprised to learn that everyone who read the chapter kind of liked Father Robert. (I wanted you to hate him.) They disagreed with his beliefs, but they still wanted to learn more about him.
Charismatic is a word that might describe him. But I’m happy with this feedback and have decided to run with it. Maybe if you like him, you’ll feel sad when he dies. The important thing is that you felt something. This tells me I’ve created a multi-dimensional character that you believe is real. Exciting!
Here’s the new version. Again, please tell me your thoughts on it. Thank you!
1
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION
The phone rang, breaking the quiet tranquility on a Thursday morning. Father Robert was planning the church readings for the month ahead.
“St. Anthony’s Church, how can I help you?”
“Do you believe in God?” asked the raspy voiced man on the other end.
“Excuse me?”
“God. Do you believe in God?”
“Of course I do. What a ridiculous question.”
“I’m glad you believe in God, Father Robert. You’re gonna meet him when I gut you like a fish.” The caller started laughing. The sound was thick and rocky, like a heavy smoker. “In fact, I’m gonna stick a knife in your chest and rip out your heart like you ripped out mine.”
Feedback on My Book
A revised version of this chapter is now available. Click here to read the new, improved version.
I’ve been trying to write this book for a few years now. I’m getting to a point where I need to share some content and get honest feedback. It’s very scary to risk getting my feelings hurt, but it’s also a necessary step to improvement.
Here’s what I can say, without ruining the plot. This is common information that will be shared upfront:
The focus of the story is a priest named Father Robert. He has a lot of enemies, primarily because of his church’s controversial “ex-gay” program. He will eventually be murdered, and that’s not a secret. The book will explore his enemies, the death threats he receives regularly, and narrow things down to pinning the murderer and the motive.
It’s imperative that you hate Robert. His actions and beliefs should stir up anger. But no villain is completely bad. He’s still human, and even if he’s wrong, he needs to be interesting enough for you to want to keep reading. I’m walking the thin line of making sure you don’t like him, but aren’t so turned off by him that you abandon the story.
Here are some specific questions I’d like you to answer:
1) How did you feel about the main character, Father Robert, so far? This is the first chapter that introduces him.
2) Is there anything about the storyline that hits a raw nerve with you? Something you related to?
3) Are you curious enough to continue reading the next chapter?
4) Are there any details you wish were elaborated on?
5) Did anything bore you?
Please be as honest as possible and leave your feedback in the comments. Thank you for your help!
• • •
“Here’s your mail, Father. Have a nice Labor Day weekend.”
Mary Anne dropped the pile at the edge of the desk and hurried toward the front door of the rectory office.
Robert looked up from his monitor, surprised by his office assistant’s abrupt exit.
“Wait a minute, don’t you want your paycheck?”
“Oh, yes.” She walked toward him, looking down at the multi-hued brown ’70s carpeting to avoid eye contact. “Th-thank you,” she stuttered.
“Mary Anne, is there something you’d like to tell me?” His gaze was strong, forceful, yet sympathetic.
She walked back over to his desk and her lips began to tremble. Tears rolled down her plump freckled cheeks.
Goodbye, Magoo
A few weeks ago, I turned to Daniel and said, “I’m afraid Magoo is going to die young.”
“What makes you think that?” he asked.
“Well, she’s 8 years old and she doesn’t really do much. She’s never done much. She just eats, sleeps, and poops and doesn’t really get much exercise.”
Magoo had always been like that. She was a shy cat, kind of a loner. Everything made her nervous and she wasn’t very interactive. Since her food was located just a room away from the litter box, and right next to my office, where she usually slept, there really wasn’t much incentive for her to go anywhere else in the house. So day after day, she just circled the same area of our home. Occasionally she’d make the trip upstairs to bathe in the warm glow of the sunlight. She loved a sunny day.
