Civil Unions in Illinois
Hey, did you know civil unions are now legal in Illinois?
You didn’t? That’s okay. Nobody else knows either.
In a very impressive political move, the state of Illinois voted to legalize civil unions during the month of December 2010 and signed it in effect yesterday, January 31, 2011. Although there was a bit of controversy from religious groups and conservatives in the Chicago area, the legalization went mostly unnoticed by the rest of the world, which was kind of a good thing.
I have to admit that it does humor me that religious groups would protest. What are they protesting? They don’t have a Bible to throw at the term “civil union.” So what exactly are they mad at?
“Oh, I’m so pissed that gay people can now visit each other in the hospital. Grrr…”
That’s my impression of an angry religious person. He says “grrr” like Tony the Tiger.
On a personal note, Daniel and I are getting married here in Tennessee in April. It would be very nice if our state government would get its head out of the Bible for a minute to see that progress is happening.
Kudos to you, Illinois! It may not be the same as marriage, but it’s a positive step in the right direction for equality!
Today I Talked with Jesus
The Dude Couple
It was a crowded Saturday night at the local pizza joint.
The restaurant was swarming with 20-somethings. There was a line of patrons waiting for tables that extended all the way down the hall to the side entrance. If you wanted delicious, freshly made pizza, this was the place to be.
Daniel and I decided to skip the line and sit at the bar, which was equally as crowded and hectic. But we didn’t mind. We knew the reward would be worth it. So we waited patiently, and sure enough, the pizza was amazing, as it always is.
When the bill came, I looked at the receipt and noticed an unusual comment typed at the top. Dude Couuple.
I showed it to Daniel, and we both laughed. Then I looked down the long row of the bar and noted the other couples, none of them “dudes,” of course. But this was so interesting, as I don’t recall ever seeing a receipt that had a description at the top.
So I flagged down the bartender and asked her about it.
“Hey, did you write ‘Dude Couple’ when you put our order in?”
She seemed a bit a flushed, surprised by my question. “Yeah, we had so many orders coming through and I didn’t want to get them mixed up.”
“Well, gee, I don’t know how to say this, but we aren’t a couple. We’re brothers,” I told her.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” she gushed, looking very embarrassed.
I let her squirm for a moment, then cracked a smile and said, “Oh, I’m just kidding. We are a dude couple. It’s totally cool. I think it’s hilarious actually.”
She was visibly relieved to hear the news. And really, it made my night. I thought it was very funny!
Dear Gay Teens…
It’s rare, but sometimes a troubled gay teen finds their way to my blog.
Over the years, I’ve received comments (usually from males) who are in high school and struggling with coming out. Their family and friends don’t accept them and they don’t know how to deal with it. So I’m writing this message on the chance that just one person finds it.
First of all, you are not alone. Second, it does get better. I promise you it does and I am living proof.
I was a victim of bullying too. When I was in high school, kids made fun of me and harassed me daily. I hated my life, and yes, I did think about killing myself a few times. It seemed like the easy solution to a never ending nightmare.
But I’m so glad I stuck around! As soon as I graduated, I moved to a bigger city, and I found more support than I could ever dream of. I’m now 29 and in the 11 years that I’ve been out on my own, I’ve only encountered homophobia maybe three times at most. And the good news is that it wasn’t even bullying. It was just stupid people making a stupid comment. So my life has completely changed and I’m happy!
My life has value and so does yours. You are a bright, shining star and this world would not be the same without you. Once this storm passes, you are going to grow up to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. You’re going to find love and you’re going to have a partner to share your dreams with. But you have to stick around.
I don’t have all the answers and cures to the world’s problems. I’m just a gay guy, no different than you. But I survived and I am stronger and more confident now. You will be too.
Start by calling the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-784-2433 or visiting their website. Please reach out! Things will get better and there is help out there.
And for the two teens that committed suicide over the weekend, Lance Lundsten and Tiffani Maxwell, my heart breaks for you. I wish you had let someone help you. I am so sad that you lost hope.
If anyone needs to talk, please leave a comment below. My comments are private, which means I don’t publish them until I’ve read them. If you don’t want it published, just say so. Please reach out.
These Poor Gay Teens
What a nightmare. 3 gay teens have committed suicide this week, 5 have committed suicide in less than a month.
And that’s just what the news has reported. Who knows how many boys and girls have killed themselves because of their sexual orientation? Who knows how many have suffered the taunting and bullying from their peers?
High school was horrible for me. I was picked on by my classmates daily. When the bell rang at 8:20, it was merely a waiting game to see which kid was going to call me a “fag” or try to trip me on the stairway. Maybe they would punch me just for walking by or throw a rock at me in the parking lot. Steal my clothes from the locker room and flush them in the toilet. Write something mean on my books with a permanent marker.
Did I ever think about killing myself? Yes. Many times. I often hid in the darkest corners of the hallways, hoping nobody would see me passing through. I snuck away to bathroom stalls to cry uncontrollably until my eyes were puffy and red. I thought my life was meaningless and the world would be a better place without me. I thought that I was a mistake of God. And many times, it felt my problems were bigger than I could handle. Death sometimes felt like a much easier road.
I’m so thankful that I survived. My life is very meaningful. I know that I have value, just as all humans do. I am not a mistake of God and the world is a better place because I’m in it. My family, friends, and loved ones would not be the same if I weren’t around.
Once in awhile, a troubled gay teen stumbles upon my blog in search of answers. If you find this post, please know that YOU ARE A SPECIAL PERSON. Leave a comment if you want to talk. There is help out there.
Gay Republicans?
Gay + Republicans. It’s like peanut butter and asparagus. Not an appealing combination.
I’m gay and I don’t like Republicans. (GASP!) Yeah, I know. It’s pretty shocking. Take a moment to collect yourself and pick your jaw up off the floor.
I truly am a democrat. Not because it’s the cool thing to be, but because I believe in them. I spend a great deal of time following politics, gathering the facts, and drawing my own educated conclusions. My general mindset is in alignment with what their party stands for.
But over the past month, there have been whispers… Rumors… News reports that the Republican party is about to make a dramatic shift in 2012 to support gay marriage.
Why now?
The Republican party needs fresh blood. The 2008 elections proved that Americans are tired of crusty old white men pushing the same tired politics day in and day out. There are still a lot of crazy-ass, conservative crackheads in the Republican party. But they are gravitating toward this stupid tea bagger business. I think they will eventually just cannibalize each other and die off. I actually think this insane tea party movement is a good thing. They are going to trap themselves in their own minority, which will open up opportunities for stronger, more level-headed candidates to run for office.
As older voters die, younger voters take over and start to shape the future. We’re talking about a new generation of voters. Regardless of their political affiliation, young voters simply don’t have a problem with gay people. It’s part of their culture, their music, their television. Young voters have been around openly gay people for as long as they can remember and that’s fine with them.
So how did the gay community get mixed up in this?
The underlying belief system of Republicans has been that the government should not dictate people. I’ve heard them preach and preach about this, especially when it comes to taxes. It was also a big debate when universal healthcare came up. Republicans didn’t want to insure Americans, but they did want to give them a tax break.
In a strange way, it actually makes sense for Republicans to support gay marriage. It aligns with their belief in not letting the government interfere. I’m borrowing a bit of this philosophy from other articles I’ve read, but I’m starting to see the point.
If the Republicans wanted to make a radical shift, gay marriage would be the way to go. It would appeal to younger voters and make the party look more progressive. Conservatives would throw a fit, but who cares because it would just alienate them deeper into the tea party with nut cases like Sarah Palin. So at the end of the day, you’d have forward-thinking Republicans battling the Democrats, who are not looking so hot these days.
I do love my democrats. But they have been slow. Too slow. And it’s hurting them. Change is coming, but not quickly enough. Calm and calculated is a smart tactic, and I applaud them for being wise with their decisions. But they need some sparkle for the naysayers and the swing voters. They need something, anything to win over the people who are always on the fence.
Would you support the Republicans if they pushed for gay marriage?
In 2004, we were the wedge issue that helped re-elect Bush into office. If these rumors are true and the Republican party does start to open up more to equality for gay people, we will undoubtedly be a wedge issue once again in 2012. This time around, will we be a wedge for the other team?
I’ve thought about this a lot lately. I believe in the Democrats and can’t imagine voting for a Republican. That’s how passionate I am about the party. But if the Republicans pushed this agenda and the Democrats failed to step up, it would certainly be a tough call. Would I give up everything else I believe in just for equality as a gay man? And if I did, would I undoubtedly be let down when the elected official didn’t live up to their campaign promises?
What would you do?
No Autographs, Please
I was so excited to find out about this! Daniel and I were featured in an article called The 10 Most Romantic Facebook Love Stories. They found an article on my blog about how we met and decided it was sweet enough to make the cut.
A major “thank you” to the editors at The Frisky for including our story. It’s worth noting that we were the only same-sex couple profiled, so extra kudos for breaking out of the norm and not just writing about male-female relationships!
Two Daddies
It was clear from the start that family was very important to us.
When Daniel and I met, one of the first things we bonded about was the need to be fathers. I had a very specific goal that I’d decided on and I was committed to it. When Daniel came into the picture, it was crucial that he be on board with it.
Within the next year, I intend to get started in a foster program. I’ve researched and explored it, and personally feel it’s a good fit for me. I’m aware that there are many challenges in working with foster children, but I believe I’m built for it. Specifically, I thought I would be good with young adolescents.
Daniel supports this and knows that in order for us to have a future, it would mean he would be involved in the foster parenting too. I don’t think there has ever been any hesitation about that on his part.
A little inspiration from CNN
Last night, we watched a report from the “In America” series called “Gary and Tony Have a Baby.” It was a great program and I highly recommend catching the reruns of it this weekend if you didn’t see it! Basically it covered the journey for two gay men who wanted to have a baby.
By the end of the program, Daniel was crying. I held him in my arms and told him how much I look forward to us being fathers together. A smile came across his beautiful face. I love the way he looks at me, especially in private moments that we share like this one. It makes us both happy to know we really want the same things out of life.
The deeper discussion
I knew the show we’d watched on CNN would create a conversation later. I predicted it would happen before bed and would probably involve my plans to start with a teenager rather than raising a newborn baby, as they had in the show.
Sure enough, before bed, we did talk. Daniel questioned why I didn’t want to adopt a younger child and explained that he thought it would be better. I got mildly defensive because I felt the things I wanted were being compromised. I’d already planned it all out in my head and here someone else was coming and trying to suggest something else.
Funny how we get so protective of our own ideas, isn’t it? I finally caught myself and took a breath, then asked, “What is your ideal scenario for having children?”
This was important and here’s why… All along, I’d been talking about my plans, my wants, my needs. I’d never once stopped to ask Daniel what he wanted out of this. Further, it was important for me to let my guard down a little and consider his feelings too.
Daniel’s version of a family
Once I opened the door, Daniel began to explain why he wanted a baby. He said that if we raised a teenager together, we’d missed out on an important bonding experience for us. He felt we’d bypass all the stages of growing together as a family and working with a child to instill our own values. He also thought it was an experience that would strengthen us as a couple, and was sad at the thought of losing that opportunity.
I had never thought of it that way. I guess I had been looking at things from a technical standpoint, and he was coming from a more emotional view. But I loved it. It softened me up and I began to like the concept of growing together as a family.
I jumped from being defensive to being loving. I pulled Daniel into my arms and he put his head against my chest. I kissed him and told him that I would keep an open mind to different age ranges. At this particular moment, I felt we were even closer than we’d ever been before.
But there’s one catch…
I told Daniel that I’d still like to explore foster parenting next year, even if it were just short term. We don’t necessarily have to adopt one of the foster children and we can explore other avenues together in the long run. We can also look into adopting a newborn or infant. But with all of that said, I do still want to have the experience of foster parenting with an older kid. He agreed that my request was reasonable, and said he would be onboard with it.
Overall, I think we’re working together to plan outcomes that are satisfactory and fulfilling for both of us. I’ve found that he and I always seem to find a plan that makes us both happy.
Gay Pride
I love this pic of us together at Pride last Saturday. Despite the 100 degree heat, we had a great day. 
The Reunion
My high school reunion is coming up… And I’m torn…
High school sucked for me. I wish I could say something positive, but it really was a terrible experience. I was openly gay, socially awkward, and very shy. What a great way to attract the attention of bullies.
10 years have passed… a whole decade. I’ve grown up, evolved, and am much more comfortable with myself. I’ve handled so much in life. Surely I can handle a room full of people that I hate, right?
For years, I’ve said there was no way I’d attend the reunion. Somewhere along the way, I got a burst of optimism and decided it would be fun. So I was finally in.
But now that it’s just a few months away, I am once again second guessing everything. I don’t like these people. I don’t want to be around them. I’m not scared or intimidated anymore. I just don’t particularly feel like wasting my time with them.
The truth is that I live in a bubble. All of my friends are gay, I only go to gay-friendly neighborhoods, restaurants, parties, etc. It is very rare that I have to deal with homophobia, or even be reminded that it exists. Going to this social gathering would burst that bubble, and I don’t want that.
Surely there are other gay readers out there who have dealt with this. How did you feel about it? Does it bring closure to bad memories or does it just remind you that awful people are out there?
