The nightmare, part 2
Last week, I was feeling all confident, and I wrote a post proudly announcing that all our personal problems were going to be over, and everything was going to be okay. What a perfect time for reality to slap us in the face.
On Friday morning, Rodney’s Dad had a very serious heart attack. His Dad was with his employer outside, and he fell over flat on his face without warning. He was barely alive, his heart was only doing 4 beats per minute. He was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and in very critical condition.
Rodney called me at work, I rushed home, we packed up some stuff and headed over to Illinois. During the 3.5 hour trip, so many thoughts went through our heads. There was plenty of time to cry and think about all the bad things.
When we got there, his Dad just didn’t look good. He could not breathe on his own, they had put him on life support. He was not conscious at all, and there was 90% blockage around his heart. They put a stent in behind his heart to open up the flow.
He had multiple heart attacks 2 years ago, and the doctor told him then he would probably only have 2 good years left. Ironically, the 2 year anniversary was just one day before this happened. So we wondered — was his time up? Was this the end?
Skipping ahead, on Saturday his Dad woke up and eventually could breathe on his own. He started talking, but he was very disoriented. He continued to be extremely disoriented through Sunday. He remembered certain facts, but everything related to the hospital, the heart attack, etc.. he would forget. We were all very concerned about brain damage due to the lack of flow to his head during the heart attack.
Yesterday, his memory showed quite an improvement. So we’re getting optimistic that he will recover. But there are still a lot of questions that will only be answered with time.
We still don’t know what the future will hold. He remains in the Intensive Care unit, we are just praying that he continues to get better.
These things are very scary. I can’t stand the thought of either one of us losing a parent. I know that day will come, and it’s going to be very sad. One day at a time, I guess. We have to enjoy what time we have.
The nightmare is over…
This summer started out pretty rough, and it’s seemed to be a downhill thing ever since.
At the end of May, my Dad’s doctor discovered that Dad’s heart was extremely blocked, and predicted my Dad would have a massive heart attack and probably pass away within 4 weeks.
4 weeks…do you have any idea how short that is?
Just to imagine not having my Dad in my life is unbearable. This was when we still lived in North Carolina. So the first week of June, my Dad was taken in to have triple bypass surgery. It was too scary to even imagine my Dad being operated on. Rodney and I rushed home on a plane to be there. Seeing Dad wheeled off to surgery brought us all to tears.
With a lot of prayer, a lot of faith, and a lot of support, Dad made it through the surgery. This was very traumatic.
The day after his surgery, when we were on the way to the hospital to see him, a bitch ran a red light and smashed up our rental car. On top of all the emotional stress, we had this. And I was injured, so I felt like shit.
We were scheduled to move to Tennessee 2 weeks later, so we spent time with the family, then had to fly back to NC, pack up our home, finish out our careers there, and move everything to Nashville. June was very rough, but thankfully we all made it out alive.
Everything took a turn for the worse with our insurance. Even though the original investigation clearly found that girl who hit us at fault, all the facts were ignored on and State Farm claimed we were at fault for the wreck. So we spent the remainder of the summer fighting that.
I shouldn’t have taken it so personally, but I did. I felt personally offended that this bitch put us through hell in the wreck, then we were taking the fall for it. Unbelievable.
So I spent way too many days and nights feeling pissed about that, and fought with everything we could.
But for the first time in a loooong time, I am starting to feel peace. We have found new insurance who is willing to ignore the wreck because of the facts and the police report. So even though the “at fault” won’t be erased for 3 years from records, at least we can pretend they were. We have exhausted every outlet, and it looks like there is no chance our current insurance will take our side. So our only choice is to drop the bastards and start with a new set of coverage.
But today, poor Rodney… He was basically in a wreck. He was driving to work on the interstate, and this huge piece of metal flew out of a truck, hit the car, knocked off 2 rims, and roughed up the bottom of the car. We don’t know if any damage was done under the car, but the rims are gone now. The scratches aren’t too bad, and thankfully God was with Rodney to keep him from being hurt.
So it seems the bad news continued. But I am really making an effort to bring optimism into our lives. We’ve had a shitty run. My Dad is healthy and recovering, so that’s good news. We are dropping the insurance that has irritated us all summer. I think I have found an alternate route for Rodney to get to work, so maybe he can avoid all the dangerous shit on Nashville’s intersate system by taking some backroads instead.
I really feel like the nightmare is finally going to leave us alone. I am ready to stop being angry all the time. I am ready to rest easier and enjoy myself.
It felt good to get that all out. It has been so long since I really opened up on my blog. I’m looking for better days to come.
Baby Steps to Fatherhood
This Labor Day weekend has been all about the babies for me. Rodney and I traveled to be with our family and had a great time. I got to spend time with my 4-year-old niece and my 5-month-old nephew. I love them both so much.
I don’t have a lot of experience with children. I was the youngest child of 3 and most of my Mom’s friends were done having children as well, which means I grew up around a lot of kids my age, but very few babies.
I’m now in my mid-20′s, and each year I have become more interested in children. With each new birth in the family, I have worked to become more involved.
Someday down the road, Rodney and I will have children. Because he is 11 years older than I am, there is a definite presence of ticking clocks. Age-wise, we really need to have a child today in order for things to balance out. If we do it now, I will feel like I’m a bit too young. If we do it later, it will feel like Rodney is a bit too old.
The happy medium
Rodney still feels like he is in his 20′s. He is youthful, energetic, and doesn’t even look his age. “You’re only as old as you feel” and Rodney has no worries about how the age gap might affect raising children. So as long as he feels young, then our ages will balance out.
He also has plenty of experience with children. He basically raised his 2 nephews, who are now in their early 20′s. Rodney is great with children. I get inspired every time I see him with them. They love him, and it makes me look forward to the future.
Ideally, I would like Rodney to be able to quit work and raise our child(ren). If we can do it financially, he supports the idea. I guess I’m old-fashioned in the belief that one parent should stay home and take care of the child, cook, and take care of the home. Rodney is excellent at all these things.
And somewhere I would learn about being a father myself. Nobody is ever really prepared for children when they first start out. It’s a learning experience, and I know I would pick up on it. This past weekend really has me thinking about when.
So those are my baby steps to fatherhood. I’m learning a lot from my nieces and nephews.
A tribute to Raleigh
Leaving behind Raleigh, NC has been a difficult thing for my partner Rodney. I think he likes it here in Nashville, but he still has a lot of sad spells about Raleigh. We made a lot of memories there, and left behind some great friends.
I do love Raleigh, it’s a good city. The choice to move to Nashville was primarily because our family is 3 hours away. And I’m pretty sure Rodney thinks I’m insensitive for just packing up and moving without really stopping to reflect on our lives in Raleigh. Moving is stressful and busy. It’s easy to get wrapped up in things and not appreciate the last few days in your home. I’m guilty of that.
But this morning I was thinking about Raleigh, and realized I never really became close to anybody. Most of our friends were friends of Rodney’s. I have a few Raleigh friends of my own that I keep in touch with, but it’s always very casual. I have a bad habit of not letting anybody know the real me. As a result, I don’t get very close to people.
So if I were extremely close to friends in Raleigh, I’m sure I would be in a lot of pain right now. As for the city itself, I do miss it, but it’s a city. I feel like it will always be there, we can always go back to visit.
Since I didn’t say it sooner, I’m saying it now — Farewell Raleigh. You’re a great southern city, with a lot of charm, and endless potential. I loved your seasons, I loved your people, and I loved your style. I look forward to meeting you again.
And as for getting close to people, maybe I’ll make some great friends here in Nashville. Maybe I’ll open up more, and let them see who’s inside.
“I’m feeling good”
I really have a habit of starting out posts with song titles. I guess it helps summarize what I feel. “Feeling Good” is a song by Michael Buble. I love that song, it makes me feel empowered. I listened to it a lot on the way to work. Rodney likes it too. And we also like his song “Home”, though it is heart wrenching because it reminds us of Grandma.
But I am feeling pretty good. I’ve fallen off the wagon, just as I said I would. I didn’t post anything here yesterday, after posting every day last week. And I didn’t post over the weekend, but I probably never will so I’m not counting that.
This past weekend was filled with a high amount of drama (there’s usually always some amount in my life). But I’m optimistic. Things almost always work out in my life, one way or another. Which leads me to this new goal I have, though I have no idea if I will act on it.
In another news, I’ve thrown around the idea, and wonder about writing a book about my life, focused on the “coming out” years. Most gay people have a story about coming out. And I know heteros would probably just roll your eyes and say ‘what’s the big deal?” I can see why it’s hard to understand, but really it’s an amazing thing to come out. There is so much deeply embedded hate and tension in this world about being gay. When you take that bold step and say “I am not afraid to be me”, there is so much courage and strength required.
And many stories have gone unheard. I do feel like a survivor, I feel like I’ve made it through a lot of rough stuff and turned out to be a very strong and successful person. I want to share my story with others, in hopes it would inspire at least one gay person. Because when I was going through it all, I needed somebody to tell me his story. (Ellen Degeneres was my somebody, by the way. She gave me inspiration when she came out in 1997.)
When I look at my blog, I see rambling pages full of untamed emotion and thoughts. It isn’t very organized, but it’s hard to organize the heart and mind. So it’s okay.
But it would be nice to get my story out, revise and re-organize it in a book format, and try to get it published. We’ll see. The bottom line of the book would be “I am undefeated”. The people who hurt me and tried to bring me down in the past…they have not kept me from living my life. And I want them to see it. And I want others to know they can come out on top too.
If there was a theme song for the book, it would undoubtedly be “Feeling Good”.
“It only hurts when I breathe…”
As sung by the brave and talented Melissa Etheridge.
Today it’s been one year since I found out my Grandma passed away. I was eating lunch with my co-workers in Raleigh at a restaurant, when my mother called me on my cell phone and told me that she had been found in her home by my aunt. The news was heartbreaking and shocking, as I completely lost it there in that restaurant.
I went across the street to the hotel where Rodney was working, and had him come outside. I burst into tears as he held me and I let all the pain out. We traveled to Illinois for the funeral, those were the darkest days of my life. I have never cried so much.
In the back of my mind, I always had thoughts of moving closer to the family to be there in good times and in bad. This tragic event caused me to move full force with plans to move to Nashville, 3 hours from our family. I spent the following months researching, reviewing, and planning how to go about this big move.
Obviously it was a risk. We had stable jobs and a set lifestyle there in Raleigh. Moving would mean sacrificing job security, home security, and leaving behind some great friends. But I decided we needed to be closer to our family, and Rodney eventually agreed.
1 year later, we are now here in Nashville. We have stable jobs, we have a home, it looks like we really made it. I’m just sorry we couldn’t be here in your last days Grandma. But how could we ever know you would pass so suddenly?
It appeared that Grandma forgot to take some of her medication, and somehow just passed in the night. She was sitting in her chair, it happened sometime the night before. It did not appear that she was in any amount of suffering or pain.
I received an e-mail from my Dad last night and an e-mail from my aunt, who found my Grandma. It’s very sad to acknowledge this anniversary. I wish we never had to die. I know that sounds child-like, but I really hate having to miss a woman I love so much.
Well Grandma, you’re in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers today and every day. And the same goes for both my Grandpa’s. I was too young to understand you both the way I understood Grandma, but I know you were wonderful men. I love each of you and we miss each one of you.
In closing, some lyrics from the Melissa Etheridge song “Breathe”, which I used to listen to in the car and completely break-down to:
“I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you
I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe
And I can’t ask for things to be still again
No I can’t ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you”
Getting it all out – chapter 2
Day 2 of blogging, I must admit I’ve quite enjoyed this whole blog concept. In my first post, I said I had a big problem with it. But here’s the catch — I don’t plan on publishing my real full name any time soon. That’s my happy medium. I can do the blogging thing, but I don’t care to put all my personal identity info out on the net.
So let me start with the sad stuff, the stuff that really hurts. Almost a year ago, my grandmother passed away. I lived on the East Coast, she and the rest of my family were in the Midwest. It was unexpected, my aunt just walked in and found her that day.
I have come very far in terms of dealing with the loss, but as I near the anniversary of it, many feelings are re-surfacing. And since it was so unexpected, I didn’t have that window of opportunity that you might have if somebody was ill.
I’m skipping some parts, because mainly I want to say how much I love her, and how it’s still hard to believe she is not physically here anymore. Not only was she an incredible woman, filled with love and understanding, she was also the first family member to accept me as a gay man, and showed a genuine love for my husband Rodney. It would be nice if being gay was just as easy as being heterosexual. But thanks to society and religious hypocrites, it’s very hard being gay sometimes. So having her acceptance was a starting point for me.
Now that I’ve been out for 8 years now, I have very little need for “acceptance”. I know exactly who I am and nobody can change that or take it away from me. I don’t need approval to go on. But there was a time when I did need acceptance, and she provided it. Grandma always wanted me to be happy. And her acceptance helped give me strength.
Thank you so much Grandma, for everything you are. There is a lot to say about you, all of it positive. You have taught me so many lessons in life, just by being you.
Grandma was not demanding, she did not force or instill anything on me. When I say she taught me lessons, I mean she did it just by living. Her example set the tone for it all. And I try to live my life as an example too.
I quickly find that all my blog entries become very deep very quickly. On the surface, I can be so light and easy. But like I said yesterday, I’m highly emotional, and getting it all out stirs up the waters in me. I’m enjoying it though.
Well my hands are getting tired from typing, so I know it’s time to wrap up. More to come, though!
Getting it all out – chapter 1
Everybody talks about blogging, it’s huge right now, even in the office I work in. And I get asked a lot if I have a blog. Well I didn’t, but I’m trying this out.
Why blog? I’m a tech fan, but often slow to adopt new concepts. I don’t like to jump on new trends, because many disappear overnight. If something is long-term, eventually I will become involved.
So I’m supposed to talk about ME? Feels funny. I have a lot to say, a lot that I feel, but it’s hard to imagine exposing it to anyone who might stumble upon it. To be honest, I have a *big problem* with creating my own blog.
I have always been an extremely private person. Very few people really know or understand me. I feel that a lot of people “enjoy” talking with me, but I only really expose the surface of who I am. So the mere thought of sharing my thoughts and feelings online, where anyone can read them, is jarring.
Therefore I may never put my real name on this. I may never share it with friends. This is my test phase.
I had so much to say, but now I’m just exhausted by my own thoughts and I don’t care to get them out. I usually rehearse something dozens of times in my head before I ever announce it outloud. So you can understand why just having a conversation with someone is so tiring for me. And in the end, everyone just thinks I’m a quiet, mysterious, and very internal person. This is true most of the time. But part of it is also because I think so much that by the time I decide I want to talk about it, I don’t care to share it anymore.
This isn’t going anywhere, is it? Welcome to my mind. This is every day for me. But when it does come out, it is cool, calm, and collected…. or loud, explosive, and destructive…depending on the mood.
And there is another point to expose. I am HIGHLY EMOTIONAL…more than anyone could ever imagine. But other times, I am highly detached, with no concerns, feelings, or problems. I avoid telling people that I am emotional because it is very easily misunderstood as being highly sensitive. And highly sensitive leads to being labeled “weak” or “vulnerable”.
I am neither weak, nor vulnerable. I stand strong on my beliefs, feelings, and opinions when it comes down to the heart of the matter. But I am emotional …I let it all flow through me, and I try to accept it. I am also sensitive to myself, and to others. I feel a lot for people.
It’s a river though. An ocean. It can lie dormant for days, weeks, months, or years. And that’s another problem with this blog concept. If I talk about it, if I let it all out, who knows where it will lead? There are some emotions that I would hate to stir up. They could shake up my whole foundation if I ever allowed myself to dwell or feel some of the things that I’ve felt in the past.
Because I’ve felt a lot…let me tell you. Whew, here it comes. All these lengthy paragraphs, this is exactly what I knew would happen if I started blogging. At least upfront, it would be very long. Eventually it might be a few sentences a days, like most blogs I see.
I’m not always predictable either. I can write in the same blog for 60 days straight, at the same time each day, without fail. Then suddenly it will all change. I might lag for a month, then come back. Or I might lag forever, and never return. That’s just how I am, you see. I can be the same person every day for an extended period, then something happens inside and it all changes.
Those who are really, REALLY close to me — I always return for them. Unless I am unforgivably deceived or offended, then I am the most loyal person you’ll ever know.
Okay this was actually good. I am starving for lunch, so I will go. But I’m glad I got started. We’ll see where this goes.
