The Deepest Shade of Blue
When I was a teenager, I used to write a lot of poetry.
Looking back, I really don’t like much of what I wrote. It just seems very “artsy”. I get visions of men in berets and black turtlenecks sitting in a coffee house, talking about their feelings. That doesn’t fit my persona.
I did find one poem that I thought would be okay to share:
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“The Deepest Shade of Blue”
May 22, 1998
The deepest shade of blue
Is a world without you
A universe destroyed with the weight of my tears
And the blood from my heart to flood for years
The stars burn the sand as they rain from the sky
The clouds melt in the seas as they come to die
In the deepest shade of blue
There is no world without you
Beer and Bruises
When I was a little boy, my best friend was a girl that I’ll refer to as Cathy.
I had a dream recently about Cathy. I sure do miss her right now. We were such good friends. When I think of her, I can remember laughter and sunshine at the pool, chocolate chip cookies, and games of Monopoly. Childhood is such a precious thing, and we can never get it back.
But on a darker note, Cathy’s father was an alcoholic. He used to get drunk and beat his wife. Sometimes he would try to kill her. I remember one time when he tried to strangle her with a cord, and Cathy begged him to stop.
One evening, when I was 5-years-old, Cathy’s father decided to go on a drunk rampage. He came downstairs where we were playing and started yelling at me. He said “I’ll throw you out the goddamned window!!!”
I have never forgotten his angry voice. I was so scared. Again, I was 5-years-old.
Cathy’s parents eventually got divorced. Aside from all the abuse, he also cheated on his wife all the time. He even got another woman pregnant.
I have a lot of happy memories from my days with Cathy. But her father is a dark reminder of a less-than-perfect household. I learned about the real world very early in my life. I don’t believe children should have to deal with these things.
Darkness and the Beast Within
I guess we all have a little darkness in our hearts. There are thoughts and feelings that we prefer to keep buried beneath the surface. There are memories that are too painful to share outloud.
Sometimes I write things and decide not to post them because they are too dark and too negative. I am afraid that I will come off as depressed. Actually, I very rarely have a bad day, so there is nothing to worry about.
This week I am going to publish all the bad things I tried to hide from you. It will be a marathon of ugly emotions, taken from the archives of my blog’s “Draft” folder. I will also post a very personal podcast that reveals my deepest secret ever.
I hope that by the end of the week you will feel like you know me even more.
These Are My Confessions, Part 2
In my first chapter, I only listed very light facts about myself. But now I am going to talk about the very heavy stuff that I feel very strongly about.
Some people might not like what they read, but remember that this is my blog and these are my views.
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Spirituality
- I was raised Catholic and I believe the religion made it so much harder to for me to deal with being gay because of the way Catholic churches push judgement and intolerance into its “family values”
- I do not believe that hate should be a family value
- I believe very strongly in God. But I will not force my beliefs on other people, because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end
- When I was growing up, I knew I was “different” and I was an outcast at school. In 5th grade, my Mom sent a letter to Mother Teresa asking for her to pray for me. Mother Teresa sent me a prayer and a blue plastic Rosary. I have carried that Rosary in my left pocket (the side of my heart) every day for over 12 years. It is very cracked and worn, but remains strong and unbreakable, just like me.
Hot Button Topics
- I have never done drugs, and I am very against them. I have seen a lot of friends ruin their lives because of drugs. It’s just not worth it. But I’m not very sensitive about it. If somebody talks about them, I don’t necessarily care. But it will knock my respect for you down a level or two.
- I am also against abortion and consider it murder. I don’t like it when politicians discuss abortion and gay marriage in the same sentence. Making a commitment to the person you love has no relation to killing a baby. I am also offended by women who use abortion as birth control. As a gay man, I know it is going to be a struggle to have a child, especially if it is through adoption. While I’m working so hard to get a baby, someone else is ripping it out of her like it’s nothing. Just like religion, I refuse to debate it.
- I don’t understand why our country is “at war” and I think this “war” has been the biggest hoax in history. I try to remain in denial because it upsets me so much to think about how many innocent people are dying.
Body Modification
- When I was 17, I got a scorpion tattoo because of my astrological sign. The astrological analysis of my personality is very accurate and I fit almost every Scorpio stereotype there is. But I have very little faith in horoscopes (which people confuse with astrology).
- I used to think guys with piercings were so hot. It’s a good thing I never got one myself. Some holes don’t heal.
Gay Stuff
- I started my first relationship with a guy when I was 15. I came out to my parents when I was 16. It’s been a continuous process but I am pretty open these days.
- Being gay in high school caused a lot of problems for me. We’re talking real hate crimes here. You can find me venting about the demons of my past throughout my blog, but most of it is in the “Gay” category.
- I don’t believe in “open” relationships. I think it is an excuse to say “I’m too much of a slut to make a commitment, so I’m just going to make up a term for it so that people will accept my need to fuck everyone.” Yeah, I know that sounds harsh. But sexually transmitted diseases are still a problem for all people (straight, gay, bi…) and we are losing the fight. Condoms are not guaranteed and there are some diseases that condoms cannot prevent. Futher, it is hard to push for gay marriage when “open relationships” confirm stereotypes about gay men.
- I don’t understand bisexuals. I’ve had to fight for everything I have, while they get to ride the fence. That doesn’t mean I dislike them. I just don’t understand them. The only bisexuals I’ve known ended up finally coming to me and say “You were right, Nathan, I really am gay and I was just scared.” So I’ve never actually known a “real” bisexual in person.
Case of the Ex
Last night, I was talking to a friend about the break-up with his girlfriend. He was really in love with her, and planned to marry her. Things didn’t work out. When he was telling me about his girlfriend’s behavior, I suddenly realized how much she acted like an ex of mine from over 7 years ago. Even the way they broke up was somewhat like my past situation (minus the gay stuff).
My first relationship was a long distance one that started in summer 1997. We He had a lot of issues. He was in denial about being gay. Sometimes everything was great, other times he would back away from me, ignore my phone calls and e-mails. He always told me I deserved better. He was right, I did.
We “broke up” many times but the worst time was Christmas 1997. Yes, the asshole broke up with me at Christmas. And that is when I came out to my parents (I was 16 at the time). I thought I had a partner in this world to help me through the hard times, but he abandoned me when I needed him.
In January 1998, I started a new relationship, and 6 months later he tried getting in touch with me. I had a website with a guestbook (those were cool back in 1998) and he made an anonymous post to me. But I knew it was him because I saw the I.P. address in my guestbook and again in a friend’s guestbook, where he used his name.
After all he put me through, I was pissed that he was trying to get back in my life through my friends. Deion was completely in the closet. He was scared to death of his Mom knowing he was gay. She hated gay people, and hated white people. This was a double whammy. I threatened to “out” him if he didn’t leave me alone.
At one point, he even found a chat room and got acquainted with this guy who knew me. Deion was telling him all about our personal relationship, and it got back to me. I was angry that he was spreading our personal business.
Yes, I know this is all very childish. Remember we were younger then. I wrote him this scathing e-mail to warn him that I was on to his games, and I wanted it stopped before it went any further.
I felt like sharing this e-mail that I wrote to him. I have never shown it to another person, and I have edited parts, because it was really personal.
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June 3, 1998
Deion,
Consider this email official warning to stop this bullshit before it even starts. I know all about your little games with Will and the way
you’re trying to crawl back on to my good side. I suppose you think the guestbook entry was a nice touch, huh?
I know it was you who signed it, the IP number traces to the same computer you used to sign Will’s guestbook. Don’t play games with me.
Let me add that I don’t appreciate you spreading rumors about me and telling people I’m gay. It was a lucky break meeting that guy in a chat room, but just remember that when it all comes down to it, you’re worried about your family finding out you’re gay. I suppose you’re still too weak to face the fact that you’re gay.
It’s amazing that you spent 6 months trying to get rid of me and now after 6 more months you’re still trying to get back in my life. It’s been a year and it’s gotten you nowhere. You always told me to move on and that I could find someone better…I am happy to say I have found someone better…even more, I am happy. I couldn’t say that with you. Every week you changed your mind.
You’re wrong 99% of the time, but the one thing you said to me that will always be true is that “I deserve someone better.” You were right about that, I do deserve someone better.
I wish you a lifetime of suffering and heartache. You will get what you deserve as you grow old and lonely, realizing how shitty you were. I hope the guilt eats you into insanity. You deserve every bit of pain that you made me feel. It will all come back to you slowly. If you think I’m joking, it’s okay. You’ll see.
Goodbye
Nathan
These Are My Confessions, Part 1
A lot of established blogs have a section about the author in a bullet format for easy reading. This is the beginning of mine. Let’s start with the lighter topics.
Personality Analysis
- My astrological sign is Scorpio
- My Chinese astrological sign is the Rooster
- Myers-Briggs code is ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging)
Location
- I currently live in Nashville, TN
- I used to live in Raleigh, NC
- My roots are in Illinois
Family
- My husband is Rodney, we have been together 4.5 years
- We have 2 cats, Purr Purr and Prissy
- I have 2 brothers
- I am very close to my parents now, but it wasn’t always that way
- The first and only family member to fully accept me was my Grandma. She passed away on July 29, 2004. I miss her.
- Rodney and I hope to start a family of our own someday.
Career
- I am a graphic & web designer
- I started my design career in 1998
- My first job was mowing lawns when I was a teenager
- I also used to pull weeds and do gardening for the elderly lady down the street. She bothered me sometimes, but now that I’ve grown up, I realize she taught a lot about a hard earned dollar.
- I have also worked in retail, where I sold DVD’s, CD’s, and related items. It was a thankless job, but I was a good sales person and I inspired employees with my people skills.
- My worst retail experience was when I carried a very heavy storage unit out to this man’s car. He did not even help me. After doing that, he made a comment about ‘queers’, I thought of all people, he would know something about discrimination since he was black. I made him very sorry for what he said.
- I have also worked at a Domino’s Pizza. The smell of the ingredients was amazing every day. I love pizza.
