You were meant for me
    And I was meant for you
    Nature patterned you
    And when she was done
    You were all the sweet things
    Rolled up in one

    You’re like a plaintive melody
    That never lets me free
    But I’m content
    The angels must have sent you
    And they meant you just for me

    Gene Kelly, “You Were Meant For Me”

(Continued from Friday.)

May 30, 2009 - I walked up to the porch and was greeted by a dark figure in the night. A light at the front door illuminated Nathan like an angel, casting a heavenly glow behind him.

We stepped inside and I got my first good look at him. His presence was warm and comfortable, just as I’d imagined. His body was lean and muscular. We were the same height. I wasn’t certain how to greet him so I just opened up my arms and pulled him into a hug. It was a shy but welcoming embrace.

He smelled good, like cologne mixed with lavender body lotion. The aroma of burning candles filled the house and my senses were swimming with sweetness all around me. I looked over at the wall and noticed artwork that said “Love the Earth and the Earth will love you back.”

How appropriate. Nathan’s entire home had an earthiness about it. Greens and browns were the primary palette, with wood as the central element, as well as hints of metal. Red was subtlety present in every room. Everything about the environment seemed to fit him perfectly, like a little world of Nathan. I enjoyed this world very much.

Nathan gave me a tour of the house, and of course, I got to meet Henry, the cat that inspired my phone call. He was a playful and social kitty, which helped balance out awkward moments.

After about an hour of talking, we made our way into the kitchen, where Nathan started boiling some water for tea. I stood several feet away from him, the small of my back leaning against the sink. He took a moment to look me over.

“You’re very fit,” he said.

“Well, thank you,” I said, a bit surprised. “Nobody’s ever called me that before.”

“It actually has several meanings. Here in the U.S., it means you’re in good shape, which you are. But in England, it means something else,” he went on to explain.

I knew what “fit” meant. He was calling me sexy. I enjoyed the way he used European slang to flirt with me.

I walked over to Nathan and stopped at his lips. “You’re quite fit as well,” I said, looking into his eyes. I proceeded to wrap my arms around him and hug him very tightly, running my hand up and down his back. He rested his head on my shoulder, a smile of contentment filling his face.

I pulled myself away to re-adjust my angle. Then I leaned in and kissed his lips. They were soft and sweet. It was simple, yet perfect.

* * *

August 4, 2009 - Nathan and I were sitting in the bed, each of us with a book in our lap and a cup of tea in hand. We both had on our eye glasses and Henry was resting happily between us. I looked over at Nathan with a smile and he did the same in return.

Just a few months before, I’d been admiring a photo of Mr. Professor, sitting in bed with his cat on his lap. I’d wondered if I could ever be a part of that little family. I’d questioned if they would make room for me.

“Will it always be like this?” I asked him, knowing he would understand my reference to the photo.

“Yes, it will,” he said back with re-assurance.

“I love you,” I said to him.

“I love you, too,” he said back.

Our eyes lingered on each other for a moment before we both sipped our tea and returned to our reading.

That, my dear friends, is the story of Nathan & Nathan.

(Continued from Monday.)

May 28, 2009 - I felt a heavy disappointment after declining Nathan’s offer to meet that night. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet him, it was just that I wanted to do it when I was well rested. He was kind and understanding about it.

I asked if I could call him and he gave me his number. Within seconds, I was greeted by the warmth and sweetness of his voice. Nathan has a beautiful voice, by the way. It’s a constant source of happiness for me. Even today, as I write this, I’m captivated by the calming tone of his words. Sometimes we talk for hours, and I never seem to get bored or sick of him.

On this particular occasion, we talked for an hour. After our conversation ended, I could hardly sleep at all…

May 29 2009 - I found it hard to focus on my work and I was sleep deprived. As far as I could remember, I’d only had 2 solid hours of rest. The day was long and I thought of Nathan constantly.

This chaotic process was only further contradicting my goals of meeting him. I wanted to see him, but I didn’t want to be tired when I did it. But I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking of meeting him. Madness, I tell you!

I talked to Nathan later that evening, sometime after 11PM. He asked me again about getting together, and once again, I declined. But I was lying…

I ended the phone call, giving the impression we weren’t getting together. Then I made a dash upstairs for a cold shower. Visine in my eyes to get out the redness, cocoa butter on my skin to make me smell delicious (I don’t wear cologne), and a casual t-shirt with torn jeans. (Have I really lived long enough to see torn jeans come back into style again?) I wanted to look like I hadn’t put any effort into getting dressed when secretly I’d raided my entire closet to find the best kind of clothing that showcased my assets. Yeah, I said it… Assets.

May 30, 2009 - It was after Midnight when I called Nathan back. I sounded very somber…

“This is kind of awkward… I need your advice. Can you help me with a problem?” I asked him.

“Yes, what’s wrong?” he asked, very concerned.

“Well, I told you good-night, and you said it was fine. But I just don’t think your cat Henry is going to be as understanding. I think he’s going to be very upset with me for not coming over to tell him good-night in person,” I went on to explain.

“What do you think you should do about it?” Nathan asked me.

“At this point, I really don’t think I have much choice. This matter requires my immediate attention. I feel the only way to resolve this is for me to come over and tell Henry good-night. There is no other way,” I told him, still being very serious.

This was Nathan’s first experience with my dry sense of humor, but he caught on to my little game.

“Well if that’s what it’s going to take,” he told me.

“So what’s the address I can find Henry at?” I asked him with a bit of playfulness in my voice.

The clock in my car said 1:15 when I pulled in to the driveway…

(Continued from yesterday.)

May 28, 2009 - I spent at least an hour on my letter to Nathan, a.k.a. “Mister Professor.” What could I say? How would I introduce myself? I didn’t want to come off as some creepy cyber stalker who’d been drooling over his personal ad for days (although it was true).

I finally sent the message off into cyberspace and it was out of my hands. The hours that followed were torturous. I checked my e-mail constantly. Checked my Facebook. Was there a new message? Had I missed a message? Was my computer online?

Finally it came. A new message from Nathan. I anxiously opened it, hanging on each word, taking everything in. He was exactly as I thought he would be. Warm and genuine. Nathan was like an old friend already.

We exchanged several more e-mails that day, each of mine requiring a minimum of one hour to plan before I finally sent it. The pages became longer as we opened up to each other. We had so much in common and all of my fears slipped away. I felt like I could tell Nathan anything.

Things progressed from e-mail to an online chat session. We chatted for hours that evening. There was subtle flirtation between us and things were moving in a good direction. Our interest was mutual and the conversation heated up. A good kind of heat. A heat that made me want to ask where he lived and go over there immediately.

I wanted to take him in my arms. I wanted to smell him because I knew his scent would be amazing. I wanted to kiss him everywhere, taste his skin. He was the right combination of sexiness, emotion and intellect. If there was such a thing as the perfect man, I suspected I’d found him.

We reached a point in the conversation where it was obvious that we needed to meet. We needed to confirm that we were both real, because he just seemed too good to be true.

But I wasn’t ready. It was late. I was tired. It couldn’t happen that way. I wanted to do things the old fashioned way. I wanted to ask him on a date, take him somewhere, and get to know him. I wanted to do everything the right way.

Before I could ask him on a date, Nathan beat me to it and made a move.

“Do you want to come over?” he asked me.

“Sorry, not tonight,” I told him regretfully…

May 28, 2009 - Two months had passed since things ended with Rodney, and I’d moved on with my life. I was in my own apartment, had a new routine and new outlook, and things were going well for me. I’d even been involved in the dating scene. It was clear I wasn’t ready to give up on the concept of a partner that I could spend my life with.

One person in particular had caught my eye online. I’d seen his profile before and kept coming back to it. “Mister Professor” was his screen name. He stood out in a crowd of horny, stupid, predictable men. This one was different. Intelligent, well traveled with a sense of direction in life. His profile didn’t bore me with the same old “I’m just a regular guy, let’s hang out.” No, not him. He had ideas, goals, plans. I liked that about him.

His brown eyes were intense and I saw a very deep, complicated person behind them. I can handle deep and complicated, by the way. I’m not intimidated by emotion. But his smile was warm and gentle. He was a man who needed love and had love to give in return. The wounds were deep, the pain in his smile was evident, but I knew there was something special underneath it all.

Profiles can be so telling when they are planned properly. His told me everything. I could read between his words, see through his pictures. I suspected that he preferred quiet evenings at home with his cat, a good book, and a cup of tea.

There was one photo in particular that seemed to appeal to me. A photo of Mister Professor in bed (wearing his cute professor glasses) with his cat on his lap. There was something cozy about this photo. I wondered if there could ever be room for me in that bed too. Could I be part of the family?

Every time I thought about writing him, I suddenly became shy. I was intimidated by his status as an English professor and felt like my intelligence would be beneath his. What would I say? What would we talk about? Dick jokes and laughing about farts were what I brought to the table. Why would Mister Professor want anything to do with me?

Meanwhile, I’d been talking to another guy, Justin, as a friend. We were planning on meeting for coffee. He seemed like a nice guy, although I sensed we were very different. But I wanted to try new things and meet new people, so I was intent on meeting Justin.

Before making solid plans, I decided to check out Justin’s Facebook page. We hadn’t connected on there yet, but I was able to see his Friends list. I browsed through… Okay, let’s be honest… I snooped through his list to see what kind of people he associated with.

That’s when a kind and familiar face caught my eye. It was none other than the charming Mister Professor on Justin’s list of connections! But Facebook revealed his true name… His name was Nathan.

I clicked over to his profile and found the “Send Message” button. With a nervous and excited energy, I began composing my introductory letter to Nathan…

I made a choice this weekend.

I decided to let go of all the baggage. I broke down all the walls of distrust, fear, pessimism, cynicism, doubt. I decided to let another human being see me for who I really am. I took a risk.

But to my surprise, Nathan loved me. For I am, for who I was, and everything that I’ve been and will be. Then he returned the favor, and let me know who he was. And I loved him too. Everything that he is, has been, and will be. He took a risk.

The risk was worth it. A whole new world opened up and let me in. Everything that’s ever happened in the past disappeared. History is dead and gone now. Nobody can change it, alter it, or take it back. But today is real, and tomorrow is amazing.

Right now, rain is pouring outside, making way for a clean start. Yesterday’s rules don’t apply, and finding out what happens next is so exciting.

People just don’t write like this anymore… Read this, you’ll love it:

—-

“I Carry Your Heart with Me”
by E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
For beautiful you are my world, my true
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

“You’re shutting me out again,” he said, looking at me with a piercing gaze that cut right through me.

He was right. Damn it. Why was he so good at reading my mind? And how did he become so talented at sensing what I was feeling?

It’s not easy to stare me down. In fact, nobody else can even keep eye contact with me. But he can. I noticed it the first night we met. He looked right into my soul in a way that makes most people uncomfortable. But not him. He just looks right inside and keeps smiling.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We’ve only been together a short while, and I was already trying to block him. I’m self sabotaging in that way. When I feel too much and the emotions get too deep, it’s easier to hide them. Opening up is too scary.

“You’re right,” I confessed willingly. “I have been shutting you out. In fact, I locked up my heart the other day and I’ve been building armor around it ever since. I just can’t stand the thought of letting you in.”

“But what if I’m the love of your life?” he asked me without a moment’s hesitation.

Oh, now he’d done it. Cut me right to the bone. Hit me in a soft spot that unleashed a flood inside. He asked the one question I’ve been waiting for every man to ask. Love of my life. I’ve always wanted to meet that person.

One small tear surfaced in my eye, which I dutifully wiped away in a pathetic effort to hide any proof that I’m human. But it was too late and he saw me being vulnerable.

I covered my eyes with my hands and said, “You want to hear about the love of my life? Fine. I’ll tell you about the love of my life. I was 16-years-old. His name was Jake. I loved him with all my heart. I was completely open and honest with him. I trusted him, I told him everything, and I did so with such innocence. What can I say? I was young. I had no reason to not let him in. It’s nice to be young and naive in that way.”

“One night in June, much like this one, Jake raped me. He took something away from me that I have never gotten back. The next day, he left town and I never saw him again. I never got to say goodbye. And I’ve been leaving men ever since. David, Dennis, Rodney, Brandon… I left them all, but I had good reason with Rodney.”

“Jake was the love of my life. He is the one I’ve measured every man against, and no man has ever lived up. Nobody else has ever been good enough. I know that sounds crazy after what he did to me.”

“No,” he said. “It doesn’t sound crazy. In fact, it’s probably the most sane thing you’ve ever said. What he did to you doesn’t change the love you felt for him. That was real.”

Then he walked over to me and hugged me tightly, pressing our bodies completely together until I could feel his heartbeat echoing through me. I took a deep inhale and let the sweet smell of his body fill my head. It was a long hug that felt like it went on for hours.

We finally pulled apart and he looked into my eyes, then kissed me with soft lips that made me melt, despite my efforts to keep my guard up.

Is Nathan the love of my life? It’s too soon to tell. I feel like there has been so much drama in such a short time, but most of it is my fault. I feel like I’m going to tear this all apart, just to prove that I’m somehow destined to be alone.

He certainly has soulmate potential. Nathan’s ability to know and understand me is uncanny. That has to count for something. It also doesn’t hurt that we have such a great time together… oh, and of course it is unusual that we have the same name. Talk about signs and symbolism.

Anyway, after our deep and revealing conversation, we went upstairs to go to bed, and he took a photo of us. Nathan says I live in a black and white world and refuse to see any grey. He’s right, by the way. Appropriately enough, he converted this photo to black and white before he gave it to me.

As I referenced briefly in a previous post, I’ve begun dating someone new.

I have to say that in a very short time, he has made me feel very happy in a completely new way. I know that all humans have a certain energy to them. There are countless books and theories on the internal energy we put out into the world.

When we met, there was something uncanny that shifted in me, something that affected my own energy, and it seemed to somehow align with his energy. The easiest way I know to describe it is finding a missing piece in a puzzle, and then once that piece is there, the whole beautiful picture comes into view.

Now that I’ve met him, I see this incredibly clear picture of my life in front of me. I feel ready to face each day, and ready for all that life has to bring me. Colors, tastes, smells, sounds… all of the things in the world are fresh and new to me.

He brings out the very best in me, and that makes me want to be the very best in return. I find myself being extra attentive to him and his needs. I find myself being romantic and thoughtful, planning new and exciting ways to surprise him. I don’t think I was a bad lover to begin with. I’ve always been pretty romantic. But it’s just different with him. I try to do things that you only hear about in fairy tales. I do my best to sweep him off his feet.

I am, by nature, a bit fiery… A bit over the top, a bit unsettled… Okay, and I’ll admit, I’m just a little bit crazy. I’d like to think it’s part of my quirky charm.

This man calms me. It isn’t that I’ve lost my passion or individuality. It’s just that I find myself channeling all of my energy in a more stable, more peaceful way. Perhaps I was like this lost bird, flapping my wings continuously as I flew through life, trying to find my way home. I think I’ve finally found my nest, and with him, I feel like I always know where I should be. Even if I decide to go out for a little flight, exploring the world, I feel confident that I can count on my nest to still be there. In fact, I feel like he’ll go flying with me, and everything will be just fine.

He doesn’t know about this blog yet. He will eventually. I just kind of feel like this blog is an unfair advantage. A person can go back and read archives of the past 4 years of my life. It lets them bypass the process of getting to know me on their own. I don’t want it to be that way. I want him to know me for who I really am, and not read the cliff notes.

He does know a blog exists, however. He is respectful and considerate of my privacy, which I enjoy.

Oh, and one closing note… his name is Nathan. I’m not sure exactly how this will work when I wrote posts about him. Perhaps I can nickname him something. But we are Nathan and Nathan. I quite enjoy the look of surprise when we are introduced together!

We were standing in his kitchen, a moment of awkward silence and that first date feeling where you’re excited and nervous. I pulled him in close to me and kissed his lips. Slowly, shyly, sweetly. I felt a spark ignite inside that I’d never felt for anyone. This was the beginning of something really good.

In this moment of spontaneous affection, I had not paid much attention to my surroundings. But later, I looked above the doorway where I kissed him and noticed a decorative wall sign that said:

    It’s never too late to live happily ever after.

How fitting. Well, I have a very good feeling about this one. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we? ;)