Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy, there’s about to be some church up in here…

Religion seems to be part of the news everyday now. It is so tightly woven into our politics that many people can’t even separate the two. And for all this talk of higher powers, we seem to be growing more and more divided by hate. There’s just so much I want to cover, but I’m going to start with my own struggles with what I believe in.

Is there a god, better yet THE GOD?

I was raised in a strict Catholic household, where shame was embedded in my subconscious at a young age. Catholics feel shame for everything. We’re always asking forgiveness and are taught to believe that we’re sinners as soon as we pop out of the womb. It’s pretty sick stuff.

For the majority of my life, I have strongly believed in God. At the most basic level, I choose to believe there must be something bigger and greater than we are as humans. And I like believing in God. Yes, I’m putting blind faith into the concept that some mysterious force exists high above the clouds. But that gives me comfort.

As long as I don’t use God to justify my opinions, my actions, or to influence the way laws are governed, I feel like that’s okay. Nobody is being harmed, right? So whether I’m right or wrong, if it makes me happy to pray to God, that’s a-okay.

Over the summer, however, I have found myself being more skeptical, analytical, and negative about the whole thing. I’ve found myself losing faith. What if we are all there is? What if nothing divine or superior exists above us?

It was troubling at first. In fact, even entertaining the notion gave me the shakes. But I finally found myself brave enough to explore it, and now I think I’m actually coming back around. I do believe again. I’m finding peace in my beliefs too. They’re mine. All mine. They weren’t forced upon me by family, society, or friends. I came to my own conclusion, once again that I choose to believe in God.

So what about this dead Jew hanging from two pieces of wood?

Okay, I’ll be honest… Jesus disturbs me. How did the imagery of a dead body become an acceptable image in our society? It’s very scary if you think about it. Kids are exposed to this? Whew.

God is a concept that can be embraced by many different cultures and religions. Everyone can decide their way of worshipping God and exactly how they want to integrate God into their lives. But Jesus? How did Jesus become so important? How did we decide that Jesus was the chosen symbol of Christianity (even though Jesus was Jewish) and now he’s the ultimate human representation of God? I’m going to need a moment to take all this in…

My partner Daniel identifies as Christian and does believe in both Jesus and God. I’ve (very delicately) discussed this with him. I had questions, and I was honest about it. I asked him who exactly we were praying to, and why were they interchangeable? People always jump from God to Jesus, but aren’t they separate?

I haven’t resolved how I feel about Jesus. I don’t know if I ever will. Earlier this year, I taught classes to the children at a GLBT-based church. I thought this church would strengthen my beliefs and inspire me. But most of the time, I just found myself laughing hysterically inside as I tried to read The Bible to little kids. Was I really supposed to explain Noah’s Ark to a bunch of impressionable youngsters?

Adults there would be so passionate about their faith. They’d say, “I was once a coke-snorting, crackhead prostitute that liked receiving double anal while I gave head to homeless men. But Jesus saved me!”

Wow. Okay. That’s great, I guess.

But in all seriousness, I don’t know about my beliefs in Jesus, or how they impact my beliefs in God. I’ll continue to think about it and explore it.

What have I learned from all this?

It’s scary to question things. I’d feel much more safe and secure if I just wrapped myself in the stories that I’ve been told since I was a child. But I feel compelled to dig deeper and figure this all out on my own. It will boil down to my personal interpretation of it. We can’t ever claim any part of religion as fact. That’s where faith comes in. Faith is the act of believing in the unknown.

I do want some kind of spiritual enlightenment in my life. What it is and where my source comes from is a mystery I hope to solve.

What do you believe in?


I hated to do it, but yesterday I had to tell my roommates to hit the road.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, and I do despise being the villain. But enough is enough. Chronically late with the rent, damaging my furniture, not respecting boundaries or personal space. Yep, this arrangement has run its course.

I hate the way it went down. I told them they had to be gone by Monday. The sensitive side of me feels bad that they are scrambling to find a new place, get it ironed out, and move their stuff this weekend. But hey, they once again were late with the rent and I was done with it.

I know it was for the best. We were all breaking the lease in September anyway. I’ve been living with Daniel since the end of May and I plan on moving my stuff later in August. But when they came to me and said they needed more time to come up with their rent, I knew I couldn’t put up with them for another month.

So there you have it. My first and last time with roommates. Ah, well. It’s one more life experience I’ve learned from. :)


Just imagine it…

Warm, gooey cream cheese, vanilla, and sugar, baked between two layers of crescent crust, topped with butter and cinnamon, then finished off with honey. The aroma of it, fresh out of the oven. Mmmm….

Last Thanksgiving was when I first discovered Sopapilla Cheesecake, a recipe of Mexican origin. My Mom served it to the family instead of Pumpkin Pie. Messing with tradition is always a risk, but this amazing dessert was a huge hit!

Then last month, I made the recipe for a party. It was my shining moment. I was sitting outside when I heard a group of people behind me going on and on about how amazing the Sopapilla was. Then I heard them curiously trying to figure out who made it. That’s when I turned around and smiled and told them I had. There were about a dozen different desserts to choose from that night, and mine was the first one to go. I was so proud when I saw the pan completely empty. For the rest of the evening, people came up to me and asked about the recipe.

So now, my dear readers, I bestow this recipe on to you. It’s very easy to make, and a guaranteed crowd pleaser.

Ingredients:

16 oz. cream cheese softened
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 8 oz. cans of crescent rolls (refrigerated)
1 stick of butter softened (equal to 1/2 cup or 8 tbsp.)
3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
Honey

Directions:

1. Preheat oven on 350 degrees
2. Spread out the first cresent roll on a 9×13 pan
3. Mix cream cheese, 1 cup sugar, and vanilla, then spread it on top of the first crescent roll, all the way to the edges
4. Carefully unroll the second crescent roll over the top of the mix in the pan
5. Mix together butter, 3/4 cup sugar, and cinnamon. Spread it over the top but don’t oversaturate.
6. Bake for 30-35 mins. or until crust is golden brown.
7. Drizzle honey over the top and enjoy!


As much as I hate them, it’s impossible to avoid them.

Accepting that we all have secrets is a difficult pill to swallow. I’m endlessly curious about everyone, and would like to believe that I know everything about the people I love.

When I find out someone has a secret, I get upset. I realize a person can’t possibly share all their secrets at once. Even if they have the honest intention to tell me everything, it can’t be done overnight.

But the unknown scares me. Getting to know a person takes awhile, and I’m still getting to know Daniel. He’s 43 and I’m 28. With a 15 year age gap between us, it’s just inevitable that he has more history than I do.

So I’m learning new things; some good, some bad. None of them deal breakers. We just have a past. We ALL have a past. We all have things we wish hadn’t happened, and wish they’d go away. But when these secrets get brought to the surface, they can be haunting.

I guess it’s my intense curiosity about human nature that keeps me entertained. But I’m often unprepared for what I’ll discover underneath.


Did you hear the one about the city that got so much rain, it became an island?

So, um, yeah… The city of Nashville is flooded and we can’t blame poor levees like New Orleans did. One weekend, Mother Nature just decided to dump about 18 inches of rain on us. Oh, but wait, there’s more…

It started on Saturday morning, May 1st, when tornados ripped through 3 states. Scared the hell of out me, especially after last year, when a tornado demolished a neighborhood down the street from me. But that was just the appetizer. We had no idea what was coming next.

Rain. Lots and lots of rain. By late afternoon, they were shutting down parts of the interstate because they were flooded. By evening, people were forced to flee and by the time we went to bed, I had friends who had completely lost their homes and vehicles.

Sunday morning came and there was a brief break, but then the rain started again, and the flooding got worse. By that point, entire sections of the city were halfway underwater. The force was so strong that buildings were just floating off the foundation. The famous Opryland hotel evacuated 1,500 guests without electricity.

By Monday morning, the rain had finally stopped. The Cumberland River, which flows right through the famous downtown area of Nashville, was 51 feet high and water began spilling into the city streets, shutting everything down.

It’s been quite an adventure here in Tennessee! Thankfully I’m safe and dry in the suburbs. Whew.


For the first time in a long time, I really feel on top of my game again…

My house:

I’ve moved into a rental house. The house I owned with my ex foreclosed. It’s over and done, and now the rebuilding begins. I feel so free now. There are no memories, good or bad, in this house. I have a clean slate and feel empowered to do whatever I want with the place. I have an awesome roommate who is the perfect combination of being social without being in my business.

My life:

I’ve made incredible leaps and bounds with my therapy sessions. I was in such bad shape that I was going twice a week. I’ve made it to once a month and been told that my level of personal success is rare in her profession. She was very pleased with my progress, and I feel very proud of myself. There was a time not too long ago that I just sobbed uncontrollably at the drop of a hat.

My friends:

I’ve become so outgoing that I hardly have time to get online. I feel bad because I’ve neglected a lot of my wonderful internet friends. But human contact has been very healing for me. I love going out with friends and living life to the fullest. As a lifelong introvert, the energy is refreshing!

And finally… MEN… the bane of my existence:

It’s true, I’m obsessed with men. I love them. I love everything about relationships; the good, bad, and ugly. But I developed a terrible habit of losing myself. I didn’t have my own interests. I’ve really turned that around.

Men are still, and always will be, a part of my daily life. But I’m more independent. If I want to do something, I do it myself and don’t wait around for a guy to join me. If he comes along, that’s great. But if he doesn’t like it, he can hang out with me some other time. I’m not putting my life on hold for other people anymore.

Life’s good!


I’ve been trying for weeks to write this post. I can’t seem to even find a starting point.

I’ve hit rock bottom. Really hit it hard. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

How does a soul get so broken? When did my spirit and enthusiasm begin to die?

I’m working with a counselor. I have to get through this. Damn it, I know I’m better than this. I know I can be stronger.


Negative equity is becoming all too common…

A house was bought several years ago for X amount, but now the value is cut in half. There is no way the owner can sell it to pay off the loan, unless he has substantial equity already built up, so his only option is to foreclose.

The damage it does to credit scores is immense. The prospect of getting another loan of any kind is shot for years to come. But more and more homeowners are weighing the options and deciding they’d rather get out of debt.

I’ve often thought about this myself. I love my home. I know that if I foreclosed, I wouldn’t be able to buy another one any time soon. But I also know that I will never be able to sell the house for what I bought it for. So unless I intend to stay here for the rest of my 30 year loan, I’m going to lose the money. It can be today, or it can be 5 years from now. It almost seems like it would make sense to do it now so I can start re-building my future.

I don’t plan on doing anything like that right now, but I am curious to hear what other people have done. It’s a problem that isn’t going away.

What are your thoughts? Have you foreclosed on your house? Do you regret it? What influenced your decision?


… to get some help.

That’s what my best friend said to me on the phone today. I think she’s right.

I am scared… wait… petrified of being cheated on again. 2 different men cheated on me last year, and it has really broken down my sense of trust for others.

The first partner who cheated on me did it because he felt we’d lost our emotional connection after so many years together. It was painful, but in retrospect, wasn’t that shocking. I should have seen it coming. I’ve heard that cheating sometimes has nothing to do with sex at all.

The second partner cheated because I wasn’t a bottom. That really did surprise me because he knew I was a top when we got together. He didn’t indicate that he was dissatisfied with being a bottom. But I learned a lot of things about him being promiscuous after the break-up, so I guess I just have to chalk it up to him being a bad person. I wish it were more profound, but I don’t think it is. Even if I had bottomed for him, I get the impression he still likes to play games.

It will take some time to build up my trust again. I realize that anyone can cheat at any time. I could be together with someone 20 years, and things could still fall apart. I wish I had an insurance policy to avoid being cheated on, but I guess that’s just the risk we take when we date others.

All I know is that fear consumes me. I have spells where I feel unlovable. This is going to require some time and work to regain my confidence. But I really do need some help.

Admitting it is the first step.


Day 6 of the new year. No drama, no stress. Life is enjoyable.

I’ve scaled back everything and gotten back to basics. I haven’t even been online much, except for work.

One day at a time.