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Cloverfield, is that you?
It all started when this mysterious beast washed up on the shores of Montauk, NY. On Tuesday, a photo of it was posted on Gawker.com With its unusual beak and sharp teeth, rumors quickly spread that it was a “monster”. Was it some kind of turtle without a shell, a dog with a decomposed snout, a pig? WTF? The mystery continued to unfold, and since the exact whereabouts of the body are unknown, people decided it was all a hoax… That is until witnesses started coming forward claiming they too had seen the body on the beach. Now new photos have surfaced, taken by a different person. In these shots, it just kind of looks like a dog. Not nearly as interesting as a monster, I know. And the “beak” was actually just the bone of the nose, taken at a strange angle.
I actually have a theory of my own. It’s a creature sent by God to punish us all for trying to legalize gay marriage. The Bible thumpers always warned us that bad things would happen if queers started getting married. Too bad God forget to make the creature water proof. But hey, the universe wasn’t created in a day. Sending a creature to punish us all for gay marriage might take a few prototypes to get it right.
When we get a popcorn kernel stuck in our teeth, why do we fish it out with our tongue and then eat it again? Don’t we learn our lesson the first time?
But when I got a look at the jar, I couldn’t help noticing the label said www. amishjam.com (yes, there was a space in the address, for no apparent reason). That seemed odd. I thought the Amish rejected modern life. Why would they have a website? So I took a look at amishjam.com. Of course the design was horrible. I already expected that. But the real surprise was that they offered online shopping, credit card processing, and shipping. Hmm, I just dunno about this. Today, the Amish are just innocently selling their products online, making a little extra money for the farm. But you know there’s that one guy who will get the nerve to search for porn and then the whole village is corrupted. (If I were Amish, you all know I’d be that guy!)
Bedjump.com is a whole site dedicated to photos of people (mostly adults) jumping on beds in their hotel rooms. When I was a kid, I always loved jumping on the beds in hotel rooms. There was nothing more fun than leaping from one bed to the other. My parents got so mad when I did that.
[Site found through Riverwolf]
Where do we even begin, boys? The mullet? The bed sheets? The owl on the nightstand? The 19th century lamp right next to the big 1980s lamp? The overly confident pointing to his flaccid penis? No, it’s none of the above. The thing that bothers me most about this picture is a detail that only a graphic designer would notice. Do you see those little bits of grain and specs on the photo? That’s noise from a scanner. This man took the photo with a 35mm camera, had it developed somewhere, and then scanned it into his computer. Oh, to be the guy working in the photo lab that day.
Tonight I saw a commercial for a vibrator on national television. It’s called the Neutrogena Wave. And who was the spokesperson? None other than Vanessa Hudgens, the controversial star of High School Musical, whose nude photos were leaked last year. You can’t make this shit up! So the vibrator, I mean “cleanser”, is supposedly intended for refreshing your face with gentle vibration. But I suspect this tiny device will soon become every woman’s replacement for the “neck massager” she keeps in her nightstand. I love it! Hilarious! Brilliant! Buzz-tastic! Here’s the commercial:
I’d love to eavesdrop on the conversations going on in the White House… Hey, what if we started putting pressure on the auto industry to produce more models that got 40MPG or more on them? Nah, that would be too hard. It would require communication. We don’t like that. Hey, what about improving our relationships with foreign countries so they could help us with oil? Nah, that would be too hard. It would require friendliness and negotiation. We just like blowing shit up and killing people. Hey, what about drilling more holes in a planet that is already unstable? Yes! Now that’s an idea I can support!  ©2005-2008 Nathan Exposed . All Rights Reserved Meet the Cast
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1 Comment
On a recent visit to Illinois, Rodney bought some Amish jam that was being sold. I wasn’t with him, so I didn’t get to see the set-up.
Oh, this is too good to be true! A marketing idea like this just comes along once in a lifetime.
