Just imagine living in the kingdom of Nathan Exposed…

I was cautious about doing it, but I’ve rented out the two spare bedrooms in my house to roommates. By the way, I’ve never had roommates.

Wearing clothes in the house has been an adjustment. I must confess that I have a habit of walking around in nothing but a t-shirt and a tiny pair of underwear. (Briefs, in case you were wondering… Something has to keep these low hangers in check.)

I haven’t quite figured out my persona yet. What kind of roommate do I want to be? Hmmm… Actually, I’m a roommate and a landlord. Oh, the power!

I’ve tried to think back to all the douchey things landlords have done to me over the years. I definitely don’t want to be one of those. Afterall, you never forget them. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that guy.

One of my roommates has a cat. I don’t understand it at all. The cat is terrified of me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. But get this… The cat tore a hole in the bottom of my box springs and crawled inside. At first, I was confused when my bed started hissing at me.

Why does this cat like living in my bedroom if he’s scared? My cats were on the bed while the roommate’s cat camped out underneath for something like 10 hours. Maybe it’s a love/hate relationship with me.

Well, I need to sign off. My nose is very runny and I’m dripping on my cat, who is snuggled up in my lap. Who needs tissues? Her fur is so absorbent.

Well, not really a she-man, and not really in love, but I needed a catchy title…

Anyway, a random thought popped into my head today. I was thinking about a girl I liked in 5th grade named Erin. She was Cherokee Indian and already had a mustache you could weave a winter jacket out of. We played during recess and always shared a bag of Fritos Chili Cheese chips.

In retrospect, I probably just liked Erin because her facial hair made me think of boys. But I could really go for some chips right now. Mmmm…

Okay, not all of my love stories are epic, but that’s the story of when I fell in love with a she-man.

Or man-she. Whatever…

Clearly I am in the minority with this boots craze.

Everywhere I go, women have on boots. Short boots, tall boots, furry boots, hooker boots. You’d think we live in Alaska. But I do believe in democracy, so I guess the people have spoken.

Nonetheless, I think this outfit has a whole lot of wrong.

I would like to say, for the record, that I detest the return of furry boots.

It’s mostly girls, mostly tweens, but I see you guys out there with them too.

The first question is… WHY?

What is it about implied dead animal carcass that is so fashionable? I realize that times have shifted and the fur is fake now, but I still don’t like it. It looks weird… It reminds me of the ’80s, and I’ve been there once, thank you very much.

Furry boots do not go with anything. I can’t think of one outfit in my closet that would make me pause and say, “Hmmm… this looks great, but it needs some furry boots to finish it off.”

No, no, no. I want to make you die a painful death and then bury your body in the backyard, similar to the way Chris buries his dead hookers.

I say this with love… I really do. You bitches that brought vests back in 2008 need to suck it too. You’re lucky they lasted through 2009.

Thin ice, my friends. Thin ice…

Okay, I can take a hint…

Over the last year, a couple of people have complained that my blog had become all about men and my pursuit of love. Well, I have bad news for you… It’s going to continue.

But if possible, I will try to throw in more posts about humor. The same people who complained told me they wished I wrote more posts that made them laugh, like I used to.

So here goes… You’ll either laugh or turn away in horror.

I haven’t shaved my ass in years. I do manscape, just because I think it’s important. I keep the hair on my head groomed, so why get lazy with the rest of my body, right?

But I have a furry butt, and to be quite honest, I like my furry butt. It isn’t overly furry, but seems to be just the right amount. Apparently I also have a black man’s butt. A friend recently told me that it’s larger than you’d expect from a “skinny white boy,” but also assured me that it’s “the right kind of big butt.” Hey, I’m just going to take it as a compliment and move on. When it comes to my ass, baby got back!

I was recently having a discussion about manscaping and the topic of shaved butts came up. According to the person I was talking to, shaved butts are hot. I guess I agree with that. I certainly enjoy it if other guys shave their butt. However, for me, it’s more work than I’d want to keep up with.

Still, I was feeling a bit inspired by the conversation. So yesterday, I crouched down over a hand-held mirror to inspect the task. Wow, I hadn’t been back there in years. I wasn’t even sure where to begin.

I took my manscaping clippers and mowed down what I could. Then I took a razor and gave everything a close shave. On a sidenote, what the hell is happening to my sex drive? When I was younger, the mere prospect of manscaping got me hard. In fact, I usually had to stop shaving my balls just to jack off. But not these days. I was more concerned with getting the job done.

Anyway, the feeling of having a shaved asshole, shaved balls, and everything in between, was quite nice for the first 3 hours… Then, the itching set in. I was walking through a parking lot and all I could feel were my cheeks rubbing together.

Probably won’t be happening again, but for now anyway, my ass is nice and smooth.

I used to write about random, stupid crap on my blog, and apparently people liked it. So here goes…

- One of the pipes that goes to my washing machine froze up, resulting in a flood. A cold, icy flood when I was barefoot. Love it.

- I wore a balloon hat on New Year’s Eve. Photographic evidence attached.

- My first attempt at baking a cake from scratch imploded, caught on fire, then crumbled. But it tastes damn delicious.

- I sleep more and try to do less. Energy is totally overrated.

- For 2010, I made a resolution to eat all the bad food I wanted and gain a bunch of weight. My mission so far has been successful.

- My BFF reminded me that I haven’t written about the progress with my foreskin restoration in awhile. I got lazy and haven’t worked on it lately, so I don’t have any new skin growth. But what I do have is awesome and so much fun to play with. Just sayin’.

I’m so excited to tell you about this!

I’ve written a guest post for my friend Chris of My 2 Cents and it will be going live on New Year’s Day. Let me give you some background on it.

Chris has a column called “Ask Sofanda Cox.” (Say the name together… so-fond-a-cocks.) Sofanda is an… um… how do I put it… opinionated lady who gives advice to crazy questions. For my guest post, I created a column called “Ask Justin Yermouth.” Chris supplied the questions and I gave the answers. I really enjoyed it!

Here is a sampling of what you can expect. Be sure to visit My 2 Cents on New Year’s Day to read the full guest post!

—–

Dear Justin,

Recently I decided to shave my balls so I jumped in the shower grabbed a razor and some shaving cream and went to town. I evidently fucked it up because I sliced open my sack and blood went everywhere. I’m too embarrassed to go to the doctor to get stitches, but I’m not sure this will heal without them. I have three questions: how long do I have to wait before I go back to the gloryhole and let the boys lick my sack and suck my cock; do you know of a way to make this cut heal without stitches; and how can I avoid this in the future?

Gay Boys Don’t Want RedWings

    Dear RedWings,

    First of all, you’re a dumbass. Who the fuck still shaves their nutsack in the shower these days? This isn’t 1976. Go to Target and shell out the $16.99 for a men’s grooming kit and use the guard settings like the rest of civilization. And no, of course it isn’t going to heal without stitches. Unless you’re one of the vampires from “True Blood,” you probably can’t heal yourself. It’s just going to get infected and then you’ll lose your balls completely. So in summary: get stitches, get a grooming kit, and use your other head next time. The question about gloryholes doesn’t even warrant a response. Good luck.

    Keep those nuts in their shell,
    Justin

Well, shucks, it didn’t work out…

I was planning on dressing up as Kathy Griffin for Halloween. I was so excited about it. I had a red wig and make-up and planned on wearing all black like she does during her routines. I even got blue contacts, but I just couldn’t pull it off. As pale as I am, my features are still too dark to be her. I just looked like a bad drag queen with a red wig on.

But I’m excited to say that I plan to to wear my pimp outfit that I wore in 2005 at The Ellen Degeneres Show. I think it will be fun. Now who wants to be Pimp Daddy Nathan’s bitches for Halloween? Any volunteers?

Why didn’t anyone tell me about flesh tone eye shadow? Tiny blood vessels on my eyelids are soooo yesterday. Every guy needs some eye makeup.

I need some carpet muncher friends, for reals.

Lately there has been all kinds of crazy boy drama in my life and I’ve decided I need a few good bull dykes to keep things in order.

But how do you meet lesbians? They don’t hang out at the gay club because there’s nothing on the menu they want to sample. I can’t find them in a personal ad. The majority of my friends are gay boys. What do I have to do to get a little bit of pussy in my life?

I contemplated a bear trap, but a friend quickly pointed out that I’d only catch bears that way. Bears are cool with me as long as they keep their shirts on. Sweeping up the floors is a chore otherwise. You know I’m like a non-shedding cat so my floors rarely have any hair on them.

Do I make a trail of tuna to catch a lesbian? Do I have a sell on flannel or offer up big dogs to adopt? Do I organize a car show in my neighborhood? I dunno.

Well tonight I met with a friend to get some food at Wendy’s. I told him we were going lesbian hunting at the Home Depot afterwards. I had this plan where I could lure them over and he could be hiding with a big net to capture them.

So anyway, we were there at the counter when a real life lesbian placed an order. I guess she knew we were a couple of homosexuals so she made small talk, making sure to mention her “girlfriend.”

I was so excited! I told him to get the net! He just smiled like I was joking. Mmm-hmm. I’m serious; I’ll bag a lesbian and take her home to fix my dryer.

If any lesbians out there are taking applications, I would really like to be your friend. Thank you.