January 1, 2008 - 12:30 AM
The phone rang.
Rodney and I were driving back home after having a great New Year’s Eve celebration at some friends’ house. We were on the interstate when Rodney got the phone call.
“Oh my God!” I heard Rodney say.
A series of questions followed as I listened curiously, knowing that it was bad news.
His Dad had a heart attack and was in the emergency room. It was the second attack in an increasingly long history of health problems. At 68 years old, it was becoming more and more difficult for his Dad to bounce back from these episodes.
“I don’t think he’s going to make it through this year,” I told Rodney. “What are we going to do if he dies?”
“I don’t know…” Rodney said.
(Rodney’s Dad survived.)
June 10, 2008 - 5:10 PM
I walked in the door of our home, a strong silence in the air. Have you ever heard a strong silence? It’s amazing how the absence of any noise can be so loud.
“Ohhh Nooo!” I heard Rodney scream from upstairs.
I knew exactly what happened, as a feeling of dread and disbelief took over me. I ran up to Rodney, where he was on the phone.
He flipped it closed, and started making sounds… sad sounds… hurt sounds… sounds I’ve never heard from a human being.
“He’s gone, he’s gone,” Rodney whimpered, putting his head down in the keyboard on his desk.
(Another heart attack… this one, he did not survive.)
June 14, 2008 - 2:00 PM
I stared down at the floral pattern on the funeral home carpet, my vision blurring as tears filled my eyes, then clearing as they poured over and ran down my cheeks. I felt the cold air press on me from the vent over my head as soft sounds of sobbing and sniffling filled the room. Every few minutes, I’d hear an unexpected gasp as the emotions became too strong for people, and they let their pain out.
Was this really happening? Was my Rodney really without his father now? The feelings were incomprehensible as I tried to understand how people go through this every day, around the world. How does anyone deal with losing a parent? I just can’t imagine it.
And his Mother… never again giving him a kiss goodnight. Never again, looking over and seeing him sitting next to her. All the little things which we take for granted and think don’t matter. Those are gone. They are no more.
June 15, 2008 - Father’s Day
Looking at a blank computer screen, I wonder how to even begin to pay tribute to the man every one called “Pa”. It didn’t matter if you were family or friend, he was Pa. Sometimes he was even Pa-Pa.
When people pass on, I know we often say the best things about them. We say “He was such a nice person” and tuck away any negative or unkind words. But really… really… he was a nice person. It’s not just a saying. Pa would help anyone out. He was always there for you.
I feel bad for not saying more to him, as we often do feel regret after someone dies. I feel bad for not keeping in touch more, not spending more time with him.
How silly of me to think we had forever to say these things. How naive of me to think he’d always be there.
Well, since I’m incapable of putting it into words, I guess I’ll just repeat something Rodney said yesterday.
“He was my hero… I want to be just like him.”
Hold your Fathers tight today. Tell them everything that’s in your heart, without fear or hesitation. If you don’t have time, make it, find it. Do it.
The idea of having children is something that’s often on my mind, and as the years go by, I feel a heightened sense of urgency to get started. I’ve reached a point where many of our straight friends have babies, and they all ask the same question— “Do you and Rodney plan on having kids?” We tell them yes, and the goal remains by the time I’m 30 (I’m 26 now). Rodney will be 41, so we really feel something has to happen by then.
But I do have to admit that I’m crippled with fears and worries about the whole process. The first obstacle is that I want to have a biological child, which means I’ll need to find a woman who will carry the baby.
When you’re a lesbian, your options are endless. All you need is a sperm donor and you can handle the rest. But for us, we would basically be at the mercy of this woman for 9 months. I have this deep fear that she would change her mind and want to keep the child… On the flip side, you have to almost question a woman who doesn’t have a problem giving up a baby.
Then there is adoption. People always throw that out there. I might be open to it if we have a second child. In fact, I’ve wondered about adopting a child that is 5 or 6 so that we can theoretically turn back the hands of time to counter Rodney being in his 40’s when we get started. But I definitely want at least one biological child and I think that should be the first.
A whole other issue that worries me is the day to day stuff. Many people are afraid of settling down and the lifelong commitment to be a part of a child’s life. But that doesn’t bother me at all.
What I worry about are the little things. Spending 1 hour with my nieces and nephews exhausts me. There is no “off” button, no pause. They are sweet as can be, but they have to be entertained from sunrise until sunset. I can turn my head for a second and they get into trouble. They get into something they shouldn’t, or they fall off and get hurt. How does any human maintain the energy for that?
Well, I’m just venting my fears. As people always tell me, “It will all work out.”
I know the child(ren) will be loved, fed, and clothed, so that’s the first step. It’s all the minor details that overwhelm me.
We’re back home after a long trip of helping my parents move into their new house. It was a bit stressful, very tiring, but all in all, not too bad. I find it’s much easier to help other people move because I’m not trying to micro-manage where everything goes.
They lived in their other house for 30 years and it’s the home my brothers and I grew up in. Parting with that was a bit overwhelming, especially when it was empty. But the house is for sale now, so I don’t think it will really bother me until somebody else buys it. That’s when I’ll know I can’t ever go back.
I had so many philosophical and insightful things to say, but now I’m just glad to be back in our own home, and all my thoughts and feelings went out the window!
That’s the news. It’s a beautiful spring day here in Tennessee. I’m ready to get back to my normal daily routines.
Can you handle the amount of cuteness in this picture?
These two little kitties were born on the back porch of my parents’ house in Illinois last March. We’re here this weekend helping my parents move to their new house, and we’re taking these babies back with us to Tennessee next week. Too bad we can’t keep them.
A client of mine was interested in adopting kittens so we found a good home for them. The only problem is I’m getting so attached to them. (It doesn’t take much for me to fall in love with an animal.)
So this is them, just hanging out on the back porch. Ah, the good life.
They also have a sister, but she’s mean and I want nothing to do with her. But don’t worry, she and her Mommy are being adopted too. Speaking of which, the Mommy cat is a love bug. When I crouched down taking these photos, she jumped on my lap. I wasn’t even sitting. She just balanced herself on each of my knees and made herself at home. 
A few months ago I had written about some health problems our dog Petey was having so I thought I should follow-up with the latest. He never did pass the 16 stones he had in his bladder, so he had to have surgery this past Thursday.
The incision was 4 inches long across his abdomen and all around his penis. It looks pretty gruesome and a 4 inch wound is pretty substantial on the belly of a miniature schnauzer. Silly me, I guess I just thought it would be a tiny incision and they’d pop the stones right out. I didn’t realize they’d have to cut through all the stomach and muscle and bladder. Ouch.
We also didn’t realize he’d have to stay in his crate 24/7 for the next 10 days. It is too risky for him to be out because he is a very wild boy who likes to run and jump. One wrong move and he could injure himself, so he has to be confined. I think that’s the hardest part… just resisting temptation.
Once he has his pain medicine, he acts like a normal dog. So we have to keep in mind that he’s not okay to play right now, even though he thinks he is.
But I think the worst is over. He was very sore and couldn’t move on Thursday. He had a few accidents and leaked on himself Friday, but actually started doing better and was able to go outside to use the bathroom, and also eat and drink. His appetite is back.
We’re on our way to a healthy dog!
This is a message from Rodney. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who extended well wishes to me. I had a dramatic event happen this past week. It was a very eye opening experience. It just shows you that no job is “safe”. I have a very loving, understanding and supportive husband. He is my rock! I’m the luckiest man in the world and I just wanted to share this with our blog friends. I promise you will hear from me again. “You haven’t failed until you give up”. Here’s a side note our Petey will have surgery on April 24th to get rid of those bladder stones. Please keep him in your prayers. Lots of hugs, Rodney
There have only been 3 nights that Rodney and I slept apart in the 7 years we’ve been together. Once in 2001, once in 2005, and once in 2006. We’ve never went more than 24 hours without seeing each other.
Well this weekend, I’ll be breaking that record by spending not one, but two nights without him, and a full 48 hours apart.
2 of my nephews have birthday parties this weekend, but we don’t feel comfortable leaving Petey at a kennel to go out of town. He still hasn’t passed his bladder stones, so he’s kind of a “special needs” dog right now. So Rodney is staying home in Tennessee and I’m driving 4 hours to Illinois.
It’s going to be different without him. But I’ll make the best out of it. We’ll chat via webcam and he already has plans to spend time with friends this weekend. Wow, we’re both so independent all of a sudden.
The plus side is that I’ll have the car to myself, and I can listen to as much Mariah Carey as I want. Rodney hates Mariah. I can play the songs as loud as I want and sing along. Yes, there’s definitely going to be some very off-key “singing” going on in the car this weekend. There will also be some diva-like hand gestures. I’ll be really into it.
Can’t you just hear the bad singing now? Touch my bod-ay-yay-yeeeeeeah.
I hope everyone had a great Easter. Ours was nice and sunny, but deceptively cold.
Rodney had the idea of re-covering our dining room chairs. They are white, and unfortunately white chairs do not hold up well in a household with 2 cats and a dog. So we went to Hobby Lobby and found some gold fabric. The whole job was done for $16. Not bad at all.
This is a before and after. Pardon the small folds in the fabric. Re-covering a chair is harder than we thought…
On Sunday, we had Easter dinner. Rodney baked chicken, seasoned it, and even melted a slice of sharp cheddar cheese over mine. He knows I just love sharp cheddar. What would a meal be without mac and cheese? Mmmm. Also a sweet potato, whole grain rolls, salad, and strawberry shortcake.
After eating, we took Petey to the park to play in the grass and show off his new haircut. Doesn’t he look good? I did it myself. The cut isn’t perfect, but I’m doing much better.
I lost count of how many places Petey marked his territory somewhere after the 5th time. But Petey is a very social boy, so he never minds taking a break from pissing to bark at strangers jogging by. Here he is with Rodney trying to run after them.
One of my favorite trees is the Bradford Pear. I love it when they are in bloom during Spring. Every year, I say I’m going to take pictures of them, but I never do. So this year, I did. Here are some between the park and the golf course.
We came home and watched the Disney movie Enhanted. Really fun movie. I like anything shot in New York now that we’ve been there, but it was a good love story too. While we were on the couch, Purr Purr jumped up and put a stuffed bunny in check. He’d been getting a little too rowdy, but she handled him.
Sorry our other cat Prissy didn’t make an appearance. As usual, she’s camera shy. She spent Easter asleep on our bed. I did spend a little cuddle time with her, and even pulled a hair knot off her head. She promptly ate it before I could throw it away. I suppose I will wake up to find it on the carpet tomorrow.
Happy Easter!
Tonight I was thinking about our nephew and how it’s been almost a year since he died from a drug overdose. It was such a tragic event at age 23. Situations like these are difficult because there is so much anger left lingering after all the tears have dried. So many questions left un-answered.
I often hear people talk about losing someone they loved through an illness or suffering of some sort. It seems they always get a chance to say “goodbye”. For me, it seems that everyone who has died left without warning. It seems there are so many people I never got closure with. Grandparents, cousins, nephews, friends. It really makes me stop to appreciate each conversation I have with people. I always remember the last one.
The last time I talked to one Grandma was when I was in a hurry to get off the phone. I feel badly because if I’d known it was the last time, I would have said so much more. Then another Grandma, I sat with her at a restaurant, keeping my eye on the watch. Dad offered to let me ride back with them to the nursing home, but I declined. Would it really have bothered me so much to just haul my butt in the car and ride back with them? I can still see her tracking slowly to the car with her cane that night. If I’d only known it would be the last time I saw her.
Recalling these memories made me think about the conversations we have with people and the constant rush to be places and do things. Most of the things we’re in a rush to do won’t even matter tomorrow.
I try to value every moment of life, but many times I still feel I’ve failed to appreciate people. I always wish I could have one more conversation before they go, and maybe say the things I really felt in my heart.
Next time you’re engaged in a conversation with someone you love, I encourage you to imagine it’s your last. Make sure you’ve said the things you really felt so that you won’t regret not saying them later.
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