My birthday is one week away.

I’ll be turning twenty… um… something.

I received a card today from my parents and it really choked me up.

Here’s what the card said inside:

    You love his smile. You know his shrug. You’d recognize his walk a block away. He makes you laugh. He makes you proud. A thought of him can really make your day. You hope for him. You dream for him. You pray that life will always treat him well. He’s all you ever wanted in a son. You love him more than words could ever tell.

Ooh, that gave me chills just typing it out.

Mom also wrote a note:

    Nathan, what a true card. You are my sunshine. Love, Mom.

Dad wrote:

    Nathan, you do have a great smile. I do know your walk. You do make me laugh. I do hope life treats you well. I am very proud of you and love you very much. Your Dad.

It’s really great to be so loved. I’m looking forward to seeing them for the holidays.


Purr Purr sleeping on my chest

I have a new routine for relaxing at the end of the day. I like to keep it really cold in my bedroom and then bury myself under big, fluffy blankets. This attracts one of my cats, Purr Purr, because everyone knows cats can’t resist big, fluffy blankets.

Purr Purr sits on my chest with her paws curled underneath her like a little duck. I call her “Ducky.”

While she takes a ducky nap, I read a book. But I must admit, it isn’t long before I drift off to a ducky nap myself. Something about a purring cat sleeping on your chest is so peaceful.

That’s the story of ducky love.

It’s time to talk about Rodney again. Many of you know him. He was a part of my life for 8 years, a part of this blog for 4 years, and when we broke up last March, his name was dragged through the mud with my anger and bitterness.

I meant what I said at the time. It was a hard time, a bad time, and a very ugly, low point. I’m not going to backtrack and try to pretend it didn’t happen.

But over time, wounds have healed and I finally forgave him in August. You may have even noticed that sometimes he comments on posts now.

Rodney has become a good friend and an active part of my life. We talk several times a week, sometimes for an hour or more. I’ve spent time with him and his new partner. The three of us went to a festival one day, and another time, we went out to dinner and a bar with some of their friends. Last Sunday, I met them at church and went to brunch afterwards. I like his new partner and I’m happy for them.

It’s amazing how life can change. I obviously never thought I’d hang out with an ex and his new man. I never thought that we’d become friends and we’d talk about boys together. He even tries to set me up with his friends! Ha ha!

Anyway, life is funny. For better or worse, this is where it’s brought me. I’m glad that Rodney has become an unexpected friend. For all the mean things I’ve said about him, I felt I should say something nice.

Thanks, Rodney.

Let me set this up for you. Petey is the miniature schnauzer that I had with my ex, Rodney. After the break-up, Rodney and I both agreed that Petey would go live with him.

Petey never hiked his leg when he went to pee. I don’t know if it’s a learned behavior or not. He was never around other dogs and we didn’t have any trees. I don’t know if that matters. Anyway, he just squatted in the yard to pee. He’s 4 years old.

But…

A few days ago, Rodney called to tell me Petey lifted his leg to pee on a tree. He walked right up to it, gave it a good squirt, and was done. He hasn’t done it again.

I would just like to know the insight into this. Did Petey plot the whole scene in his head? Did he practice the big event days in advance? I can just see him thinking about it at night. The right angle, the right presentation, it was all mapped out so he would pee like a pro.

And how did he feel after he did it? Was he proud, triumphant, embarrassed? Clearly he didn’t like it since he hasn’t done it since.

I really wish I had been there to see Petey’s first pee on a tree. He’s always been such a homo. I can just imagine him lifting one leg and saying, “Hey, Gurl! Look at my thighs, I’ve been working out.”

Holla.

Petey came by for a visit yesterday. It was the first time I’d seen him in awhile and I was very happy to spend some time with him.

I’ve had a really good couple of days.

On Sunday, I went to a family reunion on my Dad’s side, which I hadn’t done in… hmmm… 12 years. Eeek.

After a ridiculously humid week, the heat finally seemed to ease up and the temperature was perfect. I even got to have some fun in the pool. I don’t think I’ve been swimming in years.

The food was also great. I went back for seconds with the baked macaroni and cheese… yum. I had a good visit with everyone, but got a stern lecture from my uncle for not visiting more often. I know, I know… I’ll do better.

Before heading back to Tennessee, my Dad took my to Dairy Queen for some ice cream. This DQ was the real deal. Everything about it felt authentically 1950s. We sat in a corner and talked for an hour. A really nice time.

Monday evening was yet another great time. Nathan came over and we went for a very long walk by the river. We shared life stories and talked about all kinds of random stuff. We came across a path of rocks that you could step onto and go right out into a shallow area of water. The view was beautiful.

After our walk, I took him to a nearby Japanese restaurant that we’d wanted to try. The service was extremely slow, but that was fine with us because we were talking non-stop for 2 hours.

I’m really growing to appreciate the value of food and its effect on relationships. I grew up in a household where it wasn’t a big deal if we didn’t eat dinner as a family. My parents certainly made an effort, but it wasn’t a rule.

This behavior carried into my adult life, and my partners and I have often skipped meals together. Or sometimes, we’d each fix our own food and just go to opposite places in the house, completely ignoring each other.

I think that’s common in many modern relationships, but eating together has become an extremely important aspect in my relationship with Nathan. No matter how busy we are, we try to make time to get together at night and eat together. We always have really deep conversations, and share stories, share feelings… All kinds of good stuff. It is not uncommon for a meal to go cold because we’ve talked so much.

This is such a Southern post, isn’t it? Well, I do think there is some significant value to eating together. Food, family, and fun has definitely been a winning combination lately.

It’s taken a long time, but Google Maps has finally begun working on coverage of the little Illinois town I grew up in. Sure, it’s blurry, low-resolution, and oddly angled. But there’s something deeply sentimental about the ability to walk the streets of your childhood from the privacy of your computer.

I came across a photo of my Grandma G’s house and it struck a sensitive nerve with me. I never drive by there, it’s just too much. And the new owners have really let it fall apart, which is all the more upsetting. But seeing it there on Google really took me back. I could smell the flowers in summertime and the fresh cut grass when my Dad took me over so he could mow her lawn.

It’s one of those memories we can never get back. She would have been 78 last Wednesday. Now thanks to Google, I can still visit her house any time I want.

Rodney and I are celebrating our 8 year anniversary today.

Here’s one of our first photos, taken at Planet Hollywood in St. Louis. I love you honey!

Today is my Rodney’s 38th birthday. Love of my life, my best friend, I hope you have a wonderful day. And if you don’t… well, my desk is about 2 feet from yours, so I suppose I’ll be the first to know. I love you today and always.

Hello all! I hope you had happy holidays.

After almost a week away, Rodney and I are back in Tennessee and getting back to things. I must say it’s been an introspective week. We’ve come to terms and are facing the grim truths of how we feel.

Rodney and I, as well as my parents, have all agreed we no longer enjoy Christmas. There is a long list of reasons why, and as much as I’d like to go into detail, I think it would only come off as whiny when I really don’t intend to be.

I guess the short version is that it’s just not the same. Our family is shrinking. In the last 2 years, Rodney has lost his father, I’ve lost my grandmother (Mom’s side), and Rodney’s nephew passed away. Family traditions are waning and all that’s left is a fake smile as we are reminded of Christmas past, when we had happier times.

The funny thing is I can’t name one thing that went wrong this week. We had good visits with many family members, spent quality time, ate good meals, have some laughs, shared some hugs. If this were a movie, everything would seem just fine.

But there is an emptiness we feel and we discussed it with my parents. All 4 of us feel it, so it can’t just be coincidence. None of us are sure if we will ever be able to move on and enjoy the holidays. We feel like we’re just going through the motions, doing what’s expected, but none of us really feel the way we’d like to feel (or used to feel).

So I guess this is something we’ll need to work on. The human spirit is always a work in progress, right? It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels lost, and maybe as a family, we can all lean on each other to find our way in the dark.

In the mean time, Rodney and I are both ready and waiting for the new year. It’s a symbolic opportunity to shed any burdens from 2008 and get a fresh start.

2009, here we come.