I know that every person comes into my life to teach me a lesson; but this will be the hardest one so far.

When I meet someone and really like them, I don’t talk about them. It’s this odd thing I do to protect things that are most sacred to me. That’s how I felt about this man.

We just clicked immediately. We were very similar in all the right ways, but we were different too, and it was this nice balance that kept things interesting. We laughed constantly and had this funny energy where we fed off each other. I would say something crazy and outlandish, then he would try to top that and say something even crazier.

And when it came to romance and emotions, we were the same way. We both had this fiery passion about us that the outside world couldn’t see. Just like with our humor, we would try to outdo each other with our sweetness toward each other. We were ridiculously sappy when we were alone, and we loved it.

Things came to a screeching halt after he met with his doctor. He was diagnosed with something that’s killing him and it’s happening aggressively. He disappeared, he ran away. I wish he hadn’t, but I understand. We really had just started seeing each other, and he felt it wasn’t right to drag a new boyfriend through his own personal hell. I don’t agree with his decision; I think I could have been there for him, but it was his choice nonetheless.

I’m purposely being vague about his medical diagnosis. I feel like it would invite all kinds of questions and advice, and I just don’t want to take that angle. He has a doctor and I’ll leave that stuff to them.

So I’m just writing this to say how sad it makes me. I hope he survives; I guess there is always a small chance. But all in all, the current status is that he does expect to die within a year and nobody is really saying otherwise. Doctors aren’t coming in saying “Oh, you’re going to be fine. It’s all going to work out.”

He’s picked out a casket and made funeral arrangements. It’s all so crazy and surreal, I don’t even know how to absorb or accept it.

I just know that this incredible man came into my life, made my head spin, turned my world upside down. He was, in theory, everything I was looking for. Obviously we weren’t together long enough to find out if that is true. And now, it doesn’t appear we ever will.

I’ve agreed to be there for him, as his friend. But he’s told me that he plans to be reclusive and shut himself off. I wish he wouldn’t, but I obviously don’t know what he’s feeling now and I can’t act like I understand. So truthfully, I really don’t know how much more I’ll see him.

I wish we had been together longer and I wish I had more memories to share. He is someone who is going to leave a big imprint on my heart.

I guess heaven will get an angel back if he dies.

You know my friend, I swear there are times in this screwed up life that definitely cause us to take pause, to wonder, to think, to try and figure things out…….. thinking of you today. And wishing for peace and tranquility where there is none.

I HATE that I live so far away from you. I just want to sit quietly and hold you, and cry with you.
XOXO

Its hard finding that right guy. I made so many mistakes so many times. I know I have alot of heart to give a guy. but there are things that just dont make sense. and hearts clash.