“You’re shutting me out again,” he said, looking at me with a piercing gaze that cut right through me.

He was right. Damn it. Why was he so good at reading my mind? And how did he become so talented at sensing what I was feeling?

It’s not easy to stare me down. In fact, nobody else can even keep eye contact with me. But he can. I noticed it the first night we met. He looked right into my soul in a way that makes most people uncomfortable. But not him. He just looks right inside and keeps smiling.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We’ve only been together a short while, and I was already trying to block him. I’m self sabotaging in that way. When I feel too much and the emotions get too deep, it’s easier to hide them. Opening up is too scary.

“You’re right,” I confessed willingly. “I have been shutting you out. In fact, I locked up my heart the other day and I’ve been building armor around it ever since. I just can’t stand the thought of letting you in.”

“But what if I’m the love of your life?” he asked me without a moment’s hesitation.

Oh, now he’d done it. Cut me right to the bone. Hit me in a soft spot that unleashed a flood inside. He asked the one question I’ve been waiting for every man to ask. Love of my life. I’ve always wanted to meet that person.

One small tear surfaced in my eye, which I dutifully wiped away in a pathetic effort to hide any proof that I’m human. But it was too late and he saw me being vulnerable.

I covered my eyes with my hands and said, “You want to hear about the love of my life? Fine. I’ll tell you about the love of my life. I was 16-years-old. His name was Jake. I loved him with all my heart. I was completely open and honest with him. I trusted him, I told him everything, and I did so with such innocence. What can I say? I was young. I had no reason to not let him in. It’s nice to be young and naive in that way.”

“One night in June, much like this one, Jake raped me. He took something away from me that I have never gotten back. The next day, he left town and I never saw him again. I never got to say goodbye. And I’ve been leaving men ever since. David, Dennis, Rodney, Brandon… I left them all, but I had good reason with Rodney.”

“Jake was the love of my life. He is the one I’ve measured every man against, and no man has ever lived up. Nobody else has ever been good enough. I know that sounds crazy after what he did to me.”

“No,” he said. “It doesn’t sound crazy. In fact, it’s probably the most sane thing you’ve ever said. What he did to you doesn’t change the love you felt for him. That was real.”

Then he walked over to me and hugged me tightly, pressing our bodies completely together until I could feel his heartbeat echoing through me. I took a deep inhale and let the sweet smell of his body fill my head. It was a long hug that felt like it went on for hours.

We finally pulled apart and he looked into my eyes, then kissed me with soft lips that made me melt, despite my efforts to keep my guard up.

Is Nathan the love of my life? It’s too soon to tell. I feel like there has been so much drama in such a short time, but most of it is my fault. I feel like I’m going to tear this all apart, just to prove that I’m somehow destined to be alone.

He certainly has soulmate potential. Nathan’s ability to know and understand me is uncanny. That has to count for something. It also doesn’t hurt that we have such a great time together… oh, and of course it is unusual that we have the same name. Talk about signs and symbolism.

Anyway, after our deep and revealing conversation, we went upstairs to go to bed, and he took a photo of us. Nathan says I live in a black and white world and refuse to see any grey. He’s right, by the way. Appropriately enough, he converted this photo to black and white before he gave it to me.

Our lives are so parallel right now, Nathan, its scary.

Great picture, I see lots of happiness and contentment.

Thanks Scott I think we will be happy if I can just get over a lot of my baggage from the past. I suppose it would help if I stopped shutting every guy out of my life, eh?

But now I want to hear about what’s going on with you that makes things so parallel. I’ll call you sometime soon!

The love of your life will find you when you are least looking for him. You deserve whatever happiness comes your way. You’ll let the right one in.

BTW - do you ever take a bad picture?
BTW2 - I’ll try and call one evening this week, but we all know how horrible I am…

You’re too kind, Chris. Thank you.

And you’re not horrible; just evil. There’s a difference. Call me anytime.

This always helps !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYfVsVL7nIc

Also….my phone # is at the bottom of the e-mails we have traded a couple of times. You can call me ANYTIME. I would love to talk to you.

Thanks! Jim Brickman is always inspiring

Your Nathan sounds like a great guy. Give him a chance.

It’s really great that you were able to tell him about Jake. And his response to you was perfect. Keep the door open! He sounds so great for you.