Nathan Exposed » A Man Named Pa

January 1, 2008 - 12:30 AM

The phone rang.

Rodney and I were driving back home after having a great New Year’s Eve celebration at some friends’ house. We were on the interstate when Rodney got the phone call.

“Oh my God!” I heard Rodney say.

A series of questions followed as I listened curiously, knowing that it was bad news.

His Dad had a heart attack and was in the emergency room. It was the second attack in an increasingly long history of health problems. At 68 years old, it was becoming more and more difficult for his Dad to bounce back from these episodes.

“I don’t think he’s going to make it through this year,” I told Rodney. “What are we going to do if he dies?”

“I don’t know…” Rodney said.

(Rodney’s Dad survived.)

June 10, 2008 - 5:10 PM

I walked in the door of our home, a strong silence in the air. Have you ever heard a strong silence? It’s amazing how the absence of any noise can be so loud.

“Ohhh Nooo!” I heard Rodney scream from upstairs.

I knew exactly what happened, as a feeling of dread and disbelief took over me. I ran up to Rodney, where he was on the phone.

He flipped it closed, and started making sounds… sad sounds… hurt sounds… sounds I’ve never heard from a human being.

“He’s gone, he’s gone,” Rodney whimpered, putting his head down in the keyboard on his desk.

(Another heart attack… this one, he did not survive.)

June 14, 2008 - 2:00 PM

I stared down at the floral pattern on the funeral home carpet, my vision blurring as tears filled my eyes, then clearing as they poured over and ran down my cheeks. I felt the cold air press on me from the vent over my head as soft sounds of sobbing and sniffling filled the room. Every few minutes, I’d hear an unexpected gasp as the emotions became too strong for people, and they let their pain out.

Was this really happening? Was my Rodney really without his father now? The feelings were incomprehensible as I tried to understand how people go through this every day, around the world. How does anyone deal with losing a parent? I just can’t imagine it.

And his Mother… never again giving him a kiss goodnight. Never again, looking over and seeing him sitting next to her. All the little things which we take for granted and think don’t matter. Those are gone. They are no more.

June 15, 2008 - Father’s Day

Looking at a blank computer screen, I wonder how to even begin to pay tribute to the man every one called “Pa”. It didn’t matter if you were family or friend, he was Pa. Sometimes he was even Pa-Pa.

When people pass on, I know we often say the best things about them. We say “He was such a nice person” and tuck away any negative or unkind words. But really… really… he was a nice person. It’s not just a saying. Pa would help anyone out. He was always there for you.

I feel bad for not saying more to him, as we often do feel regret after someone dies. I feel bad for not keeping in touch more, not spending more time with him.

How silly of me to think we had forever to say these things. How naive of me to think he’d always be there.

Well, since I’m incapable of putting it into words, I guess I’ll just repeat something Rodney said yesterday.

“He was my hero… I want to be just like him.”

Hold your Fathers tight today. Tell them everything that’s in your heart, without fear or hesitation. If you don’t have time, make it, find it. Do it.

Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 12:45 am | Filed in Family | Permalink

11 Comments

So that’s where you’ve been…I just knew that something was up. Funny, “those feelings” of knowing that somethign is’t right. Would you give him a big hug for me today, on this Father’s Day. Knowing full well the pain and horriblenss (Yes, it’s a word) of living without one. And you’ve been “right there” for me in my times of trouble. Please, my heart and soul goes to R and to you today.

Posted by Lewis on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 10:42 am

My deepest condolences to both of you, and especially Rodney, his mom and the rest of the family.

You are dealing with your own grief, Nathan, but I know you will be strong for Rodney and give him the comforting he needs. You won’t need to know any magic words, or get advice from experts. Just love him, and hold him, while he cries, or talks, or just wants quiet closeness.

I wish I didn’t know firsthand how horrible it is to lose a parent one is close to. My mom has been gone 10 years now, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her.

Bless you both.

Posted by irisgirl on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 2:55 pm

My Sympathies to Rodney and all of those around him. This is the second Father’s day without my dad. The void can never be filled by the essence will always remain within one’s heart, Be kind to yourself and each other. ((Warm Hugs))

Posted by Tony on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 4:51 pm

I am so sorry to hear that, Nathan. Our thoughts are with you and Rodney. I know we can’t do too much because we are so far away but we are keeping you in our hearts. xxoo

Posted by sunshine on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 6:02 pm

Nathan and Rodney I am so sorry. My deepest condolences to both of you and Rodney’s entire family. You are both in my heart and prayers.

Posted by Dan on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 8:18 pm

So sorry to hear about Rodney’s father. My deepest condolences.

Posted by Riverwolf on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 @ 8:46 pm

Oh my god - please let me know if either of you need anything. I’m so sorry to hear this news.

Posted by DanNation on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 @ 12:02 am

I am sorry to hear. My deepest condolences!

Posted by ALEXSANDER on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 @ 11:57 am

I’m so sorry. There are no words that can describe losing a parent, and I can not imagine losing a parent that I was close to. My mother passed 1 1/2 years ago. She was my primary abuser. I always thought that when she died that I would be overjoyed, but the sense of loss sent me right back into therapy (for the umpteenth time). My heartfelt condolences go out to you both. Just remember, its always about the passage
of time when you lose someone. Ride it out. It’s the hardest thing that you will ever do. But only time will lessen the sense of loss.

Sorrows
James

Posted by James on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 @ 1:31 pm

My deepest condolences to you, Rodney and his family. I can’t fathom the pain they are feeling at this point. Hugs to everyone.

Posted by Scott C on Wed, Jun 18, 2008 @ 7:38 pm

I’m sorry for both Rodney and your loss. My deepest condolences.

Posted by Andrew on Wed, Jun 18, 2008 @ 9:07 pm