Nathan Exposed » My Secret Reader, My Secret Post

My Secret Reader:

Ah, the internet. An open portal to the whole world. A 24/7 spycam into the secret lives of others.

I’ve always known that there is the chance someone in my family would find my blog. I always told myself I’d close my blog if they did, because I knew I could never be as open and honest if I had to worry about them reading.

But one person I never expected to find my blog was someone I’d been in a relationship with. It was someone I’ve referred to as “Don” in posts that mentioned him. Well his real name is Dennis, and I found out today that he reads my blog.

Strangely enough, I don’t mind. When I found out, I didn’t feel the need to delete my blog. In fact, I was incredibly honored that he cared enough to keep up. It’s been 7 years since we broke up and I started my relationship with Rodney.

Recently I’ve had the strong urge to make peace with him, so I e-mailed him. He e-mailed me back, and I’m hoping we can talk about things.

I also wrote a post about him, but I never published it. When I wrote it, I obviously had no idea he was reading my blog.

Now that the cat’s out of the bad and we have opened the lines of communication, I’ve decided to go ahead and publish my thoughts in this post that never saw the light of day.

My Secret Post:

Hello there

I bet you weren’t expecting to hear from me. Suddenly I have so much to say, and I hope it’s not too late.

I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I know I’ve apologized before, and I know that we have both moved on and have our own lives now, with our own relationships.

With all things considered, I guess you could say it all worked out. But even though it did, I’ve somehow always sensed that you were still hurt about the way things ended.

Maybe we’re both hurt. It was fast, I know that. One day we’re together, then the next, we’re dividing our belongings.

One of the reasons it had to end so abruptly was because I was so physically ill. There was just something inside me that was so upset about things, which caused me to run to the bathroom to vomit every time I came into our apartment.

But I still feel so bad when I think about how you must have felt. You probably thought I was throwing up because of you. Please understand, I wasn’t. Dennis, I would never get sick because of you. I think that you’re a wonderful person, and I’m so glad you were a part of my life.

It was the stress that made me sick, the feelings of turmoil and confusion that caused me to vomit. And please know that I’m not making excuses. No matter what, there is no excuse for hurting another human being.

All I know to say is that things changed. My heart was in a different place, and sometimes that happens in relationships. I realize that in your eyes, I’ll probably always be the bad guy who broke your heart, and I can accept that. I think that’s fair, and I’m certain I would have felt the same if I were in your shoes.

I’ll always hate the way things ended. I’ll always wish it could have been more diplomatic and more mutual. I think the love we had was very special and we had a bond that I’ve never shared with anyone else.

I’m okay with that too. I have no desire to replace you or erase you. Dennis is Dennis, and our relationship is an eternal part of our history. I really don’t see a reason to pretend it didn’t exist, so I embrace it for what it was.

You know, I also wonder if you were stuck thinking “what did I do to deserve this?” I can’t speak for you or read your mind, but I do remember you asking me that.

Dennis, there’s nothing you did. When I think about it, we were actually a pretty peaceful couple. We didn’t fight, we didn’t abuse or mistreat each other. I think we were a pretty good pair.

Like I said, sometimes things just change. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair, and sometimes it really hurts. I hate that it hurts, and believe me, it hurt me too.

So I guess this is what I’ve been wanting to say to you. I don’t know if it was a mistake saying these things, but I’m glad that I have.

These are things that I finally had the clarity to say. I could have never said them with such honesty back in 2001. It was only with time, age, and wisdom that I’ve finally seen things for what they were.

But sharing this with you makes me feel better, so I hope on some level, it makes you feel better too. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, even if just for old time’s sake.

Tue, Mar 25, 2008 @ 9:22 pm | Filed in Life | Permalink

1 Comment

Making peace is essential. For wellbeing, wholeness, health, happiness. I’d say you’re well on the road to all of them!

Posted by Lewis on Wed, Mar 26, 2008 @ 9:25 am