Nathan Exposed » I Don’t Belong Here

Catholicism. It’s a religion that evokes very strong feelings, whether they be positive or negative.

I was raised Catholic and grew up in your traditional Catholic household. Church every weekend and on Holy Days, no meat on Fridays during lent, and confession for my sins on a regular basis.

By the time I was a teenager, I’d become rebellious and enjoyed pushing the limits of my religious confinements… as many young Catholics do. I went through many struggles with my religious identity, which continued into my adulthood.

Today, at age 26, I consider myself a “forward thinking Catholic”. I’ve denounced the strict beliefs of the church, but embraced my own personal beliefs of compassion and love that I believe to be truly “spiritual”.

I never go to the services, not even with my family on holidays. It’s just too difficult. But recently my Mom was in town, without my Dad. She usually goes to church with him, but this time I was the transportation and I took her to the church to drop her off.

I had my Nintendo DS Lite with me, and planned to play a game in the parking lot while I waited for her. It was no problem at all, I didn’t mind waiting.

But she gave me that hurt expression that Mom’s are so good at. “You don’t want to come in?” she asked.

“No, thanks. You know how I feel. But I’ll be fine. You go ahead and I’ll be here when you get out,” I said cheerfully.

“Oh, okay,” she said, hanging her head low and getting out of the car.

Arghhh! No matter how old I get, my Mom knows how to get my soft spot every time.

I slammed my Nintendo shut and walked cautiously inside. When she saw me, her face lit up with a smile. It was a nice service with Mom, I enjoyed it.

A few weeks later, I felt sentimental and decided to go to church alone. I had such a nice time with Mom, I thought maybe I would enjoy it by myself.

I walked in, and everything felt different. I was a gay man and everything around me felt so “straight”. I felt un-welcome, like everyone knew and didn’t want me there.

It was my imagination, I know it. I was just a guy in the back row. Nobody cared. But I felt uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I didn’t believe the same things they believed. I felt like an imposter. I kept telling myself you don’t belong here.

Then I started thinking about when I was younger, and went to church with my family and my grandparents. Those days are done. Grandpa and Grandma are dead now. Mom and Dad are miles away. I’m just a guy… on my own. I don’t belong here. Nobody who made me feel safe and secure was around to protect me.

I felt tears surfacing. I can’t explain why. It was just emotional to know that the past is past, and there are so many feelings associated with the Catholic Church.

I waited until the time was right, and then I discreetly got up and slipped out. As I walked outside, the smell of rain filled my senses. The fresh air, the cool breeze. I felt as if I’d escaped.

I drove home and sat down on the couch next to Rodney. He held my hand and I cried. I don’t know why, but that’s okay. All that mattered was I belong here.

Tue, Mar 18, 2008 @ 10:50 pm | Filed in Family, Life | Permalink

3 Comments

Awww… what a sad yet sweet story.

It’s funny, I consider myself a “salad bar Catholic”. I pick and choose what I like to believe in the religion I was raised. While I too don’t accept 80% of the archaic teachings of the Church, I was lucky enough to have been friends with some very progressive, forward-thinking priests. As a teen, I spent a lot of time at religious functions and youth mass and retreats and such. And I had a very good experience with the Church (I went to Catholic school my whole entire life). I’m not as filled with the anti-Catholic sentiment that many people (both gay and straight) have towards the religion. So, to this day, I still consider myself Catholic and don’t demonize the Church.

But would I find myself unwelcome at Church like you did? Probably. And probably for the same reasons. That feeling of not being accepted by a whole religion has a bigger effect on me than all the Tricky Trays, Search Retreats, and other religious activities I grew up on.

And I’m sure I’d find more comfort at home with my partner on the couch than in a cold and hardened pew.

Posted by Rey Rey on Wed, Mar 19, 2008 @ 12:28 am

I must admit, that church/religion occupies a fair amount of many of our heads and hearts in the gay community. For the hatefulness is produces towards us to the powerful emotions of music, candles, and words of scripture that encourage us and make us feel great. I imagine that we’ll fight it until the day we die. I am horribly thankful for my church family…welcoming, open, affirming. Every service opens with “No matter where you are on life’s journey, you are welcome here.” It’s a fantastic place to be.

Posted by Lewis on Wed, Mar 19, 2008 @ 10:13 am

I was raised Epsicopalian, like you going to church every Sunday, Holy Days, etc. When I came out to myself, I had a had “church issues” and fortunately, found a non-judgemental priest, and was able to work with it in my terms.

Now, that I am grown, I don’t attend church all that often, as it has been difficult to find one where I feel I fit in. In my area of the Chicago Burbs, most of our churches would welcome me with open arms, as long as I don’t tell anyone who I am. That ain’t gonna happen. So every now and again, I venture to service to see if things have changed.

However, when I feel the need for Church, my parents live and attend one about an hour away from me, and I attend there. While a little too far to go everyweek, there I feel welcome as an out gay man. Of course, they have asked me to be open to questions due to what is going on in our church community, so I have led some discussions, which helped.

And, imho, there is nothing wrong with staying home and worshiping your partner, or with your partner.

Posted by Scott C on Wed, Mar 19, 2008 @ 7:56 pm