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Let’s talk about sex. We’re all adults here, right? We can have a civilized conversation. The spread of HIV is rising in alarming numbers. As we’re moving into the third decade of really knowing and understanding this disease, you’d think we’d all be smart enough to play it safe. But now risky sex has its own fetish name… “barebacking”. In case you don’t know, barebacking refers to having unprotected sex and is pretty much just used in the gay community. What’s so hot about it? First of all, it says you don’t respect yourself. I don’t think that’s ever an attractive quality. Second, I don’t even see why it’s so exciting. Let’s look at it from the angle of the “top” and “bottom” (oh, how I hate those words…) For tops: Another excuse that a lot of guys used to make was that they were “too big” for a condom. HAHAHA! Let me pick myself off the floor from laughing. A study was done to prove that most condoms stretch to more than double the size of the average erect penis. In other words, there’s plenty of rubber to accommodate your size. I can make a water balloon out of a condom. If you’re telling me you’re bigger than that, we need to talk. But just to put this old excuse to rest, manufacturers have started making “extra large” condoms, so again, no excuses. There is something available for everyone. For bottoms: When I am the receptive partner, I really can’t tell the difference. In fact, I’m kind of annoyed because now I’m going to have to go to the toilet and squeeze it out. There’s just nothing sexy about that. I know, I know… some guys will probably argue my point. But if your ass were sensitive enough to actually feel the semen, having a bowel movement would be very painful because every nerve would be hit as it passed through your rectum. So you can’t really feel a man ejaculate inside you. But the mental image of it happening can cause you to imagine what it might feel like… so much that is does seem real. Looking at it from two points of view, I just don’t see the appeal. I certainly don’t see a reason to risk your health and well being for a new sexual fetish. Just wrap it up, guys! With the right condom, you won’t even know the difference! And I personally think that taking care of your health is very sexy.
It’s finally here. January 14, 2008. Ten years ago, right around this exact time, I began a journey I never could have imagined. It had been three weeks since my secret boyfriend dumped me on Christmas and I came out to my parents. It was a confusing, vulnerable time in adolescence. On one hand, I was dealing with having my heart broken for the first time. On the other, I was feeling rejected because my parents weren’t accepting, they didn’t understand what I was going through, and I felt completely alone. While all this was going on, there was one guy (Jack) who had remained in the back of my mind. I had met him in the previous autumn, 1997. Visually, he was a dream. He was the physical translation of heaven. A lot of kids talked about him because he was the only openly gay boy in the school. There was nothing “straight acting” about him. He was out and proud, he had the lisp, the wiggle in his walk, all the stereotypes of a flamboyant gay person. But he was beautiful, and I admired him for being his true self. He was fixated on me from the moment he saw me in 1997. I still remember that day at the bus stop, and I had made every effort to push him away since. But after all I’d been through with the break-up and coming out, I felt he was the only person I could turn to. So now that the holidays and new year had passed, I called him on January 14. I told him briefly what was going on, and asked if we could get together that night. We met at the school and I got in his truck. We drove around for hours, talking, sharing stories. We had such a connection, so much in common. We were both artistic, emotional, sensitive people. It was fireworks when we were together. I could tell he didn’t have much money. His truck was old and beat up. It made loud, scary sounds at unexpected times. He smelled heavily of cheap hair gel and aftershave. But it was sexy in a weird way. The smell of that old truck and cheap products, all converged with the emotions and visuals of Jack. I can still smell it all today. I’m telling you, this boy could have smelled like shit and I would still be turned on. Just something about him… Finally, it started to get late, and I needed to get home. It was a school night, and 16-year-old’s do have curfews. By the end of the night, it was pretty evident that Jack and I were falling for each other. I guess in a weird way, this was our first date. I remember the sky was clear and crisp, and I could see the moon as I got out of his truck. He got out too, walking towards me like he wanted a kiss. But I was aloof and distant, and remained guarded. “Can I at least have a hug?” he asked me. “Okay,” I said with much hesitation. Our bodies pressed together, and I lose my breath right now just re-living it. I felt like a part of me had been missing my whole life, and when we touched, I felt whole. We both had coats on, but they were open and our chests were touching. Only our shirts were separating our skin. I can smell him all over again. I went to bed and I could not sleep that night. I was too excited. I just sat in bed all night, watching the clock and waiting for the sun to rise. Classes didn’t start until 8:20 that morning, but I think I pulled up in the school parking lot at 7AM. There was Jack… waiting for me… This was the beginning of a relationship that hurt me more than anything else in my life. I always wondered where I’d be in a decade, and now I know. I’m right here. I’ve told the story of Jack before, but for the newbies out there, it’s quite a tale. The purpose of this post is not to tell the full story… but instead, just to tell of the night it all began. Despite all the pain he caused, nothing can replace the way I felt on January 14, 1998.
I also like the fact that it gets people talking about design. It helps brings good design to a level that is more affordable for the average household. I realize Target is doing the work for you, so you really don’t learn much if all you have to do is buy a set and put it in your house. But it’s better than nothing, right? Some of the concepts are mildly stereotypical (do they really have to put dragons and flowers on everything in the China section?). But all in all, I do think they’ve created a system that’s mostly fool proof and it does push people to step outside their beige comfort zone. Good design is about mixing color, texture, pattern. This year’s selection was one of my favorites. I’ve noticed wood is becoming more popular again. There was a period where metals were the big thing, and I tend to like that. But wood is being re-introduced in a more interesting way. I’m seeing more dark and light woods mixed in the same object, which I like. I also like metal mixed with wood.
January 2001… Before Rodney and I were officially a couple, we lived in the same apartment complex, with just a driveway separating us. I liked going to his apartment. It was so cozy and always smelled like banana bread. To this day, it’s a mystery why I thought it smelled that way. He didn’t have anything banana bread scented in there, but oh well… That’s what it made me think of. He loved candles, flowers, and plants. That set a peaceful tone in his home. It was a relaxing environment and when I stopped by every night after work to see him, I often wondered what it would be like if I could come home to that forever. After our visit, I would leave, and a few hours later, Rodney would wind down and go to bed. He has always been a morning person, so he went to bed early at night. On the other hand, I have always been a night person, so I was still up. So late at night, once I was certain he was asleep, I would sneak over and leave love notes at his door for him to find in the morning. I was like some romantic hero, appearing mysteriously in the night and leaving a surprise to start his day with. I just felt like sharing that.
Last night it was rainy and stormy, and I think the weather outside was in direct alignment with the weather inside, where both Rodney and I felt angry and frustrated with his parents. I stayed up most of the night thinking about things. It finally dawned on me around 3AM that there were small things that could be done, starting with their eating habits. I looked up their local Meals on Wheels and gave the information to Rodney. At 9AM this morning, he called and got things set up so people could start providing meals, and even picking up groceries for his parents. It’s a small change but it might help them at least be healthier since their health is on a downward spiral. They did agree to this, by the way. As for work, it was an interesting day indeed. The day started with a man calling and asking if I’d consider being an employee for his company part time. He liked my design work so much that he wanted me for himself. I dug a little, and finally got him to admit he’d need me up to 30 hours per week. That’s a little more than “part time” in my book, and if you factor in driving, wearing clothes, and taking lunch breaks, it’s pretty much full time. (I hate wearing clothes and driving, by the way). It was flattering to be solicited, but I don’t plan on giving up self-employment any time soon. Then I had this woman who has called me every day this week with questions about her website. She finally told me today that it was between me and this other guy, but she felt “drawn” to me. (I get that a lot, actually. I must be magnetic.) So this evening, she called and said she got such good feelings from dealing with me that she canceled her appointment with the other designer and only wanted to work with me. I was happy to hear it. I feel pretty good today. The storm is over and it’s a sunny day.
If you’re a customer in the state of Tennessee, and maybe even surrounding states, you might be in for a long wait for your favorite titles on Netflix. I knew something wasn’t right when I visited my Queue yesterday and noticed that only 3 out of 22 of my chosen DVD’s were available for shipment. In the past, I’ve hardly ever had that happen. Even new releases usually arrive on the day they come out. Next I tried to e-mail their customer support. Good luck with that, by the way. All you’ll get is a vicious cycle of FAQ pages. Just when you think you’ve found a link to write someone, you end up on yet another FAQ page. I finally gave up and just called them. The man I talked to was very nice, and pulled up my account. “Whoa!” he exclaimed. “I’ve never seen that many titles unavailable on one page!” That’s encouraging. He investigated the matter and found out Nashville just opened a new facility before Christmas. He said that it usually takes them a little while to get everything sorted, so that’s probably why I was running into delays. I asked him if there was any way to re-route my deliveries to come from Kentucky, where they used to be shipped from. He said there wasn’t, as the system is set-up to deliver from the nearest location. So if you’re in the Tennessee area, be forewarned that it might be slim pickings for awhile if you’re in a rush to catch a new DVD that’s out. I’ll go ahead and stick it out, though. I’ve been with them for 4 years and always had great results. So I do have faith that they will resolve it. I don’t like to be a negative person, but I must vent… On New Year’s Day, Rodney’s Dad was rushed to the hospital. We got the phone call at 1AM as we drove home from our friends’ party. His Dad had congestive heart failure, pneumonia, and a few hours later, he suffered a mild heart attack. Where do I even begin with this man? He only eats fast food. Morning, noon, and night. I don’t think one morsel of food that touches his lips hasn’t been fried. A few years ago, he had a massive heart attack and was in such poor health that they couldn’t even perform surgery. They put two stints in him, which helped prevent blockage around his heart. Doctors warned him that he had to eat healthier and stop exposing himself to second-hand cigarette smoke from Rodney’s Mom (and we’ll get to her in a minute). He sits right next to her when she smokes, so he is literally inhaling unfiltered smoke right into his lungs. You’d think that almost dying would change a man, but it didn’t. For these past few years, Rodney’s Dad has went on with his unhealthy lifestyle, not changing one thing. I swear he’s on a suicide mission. How could someone care so little about himself? So when all this came about on New Year’s, I have to admit, I wasn’t surprised. But I was naturally upset, and went into my usual ritual of praying very intensely that he would survive. Sure enough, he did make it. They put him on some medicine to help with the fluids on his lungs and also the pneumonia. They also cleared out his stints, which were already 40% blocked! Do you have any idea how much effort it would take to block stints after just a few years? 48 hours later, and he was out trying to run errands. He had to pull over 3 times because he was having so much trouble breathing. Did he call an ambulance? Of course not. That would be the SANE thing to do! He just went on with his errands, as if the problem would go away. 24 hours later, he was in the hospital again, and going through congestive heart failure. Do you see a pattern here? On to Rodney’s Mother… Whew, I have to really bite my tongue with this woman. She is all colors of crazy. The only way I know how to describe her is a parasite. She latches onto other’s people’s energy and sucks them dry until they are as sad and miserable as she is. But on the topic of smoking, I can’t believe she continues to blow smoke towards Rodney’s Dad, even though she has specifically been told by doctors that if she continues smoking in their house, she will kill her husband. Those are the exact words of the doctor from a few years ago. Her lungs are so bad that she has a breathing machine. Can you imagine needing a machine to help you breathe because your body can no longer do it? I don’t know who is worse… Rodney’s Mom for continuing to smoke, or Rodney’s Dad for continuing to be around it. We’re going to be burying them both within 5 years… and that’s being optimistic. Keeping on the happy face Right now, Rodney really needs me to be strong and supportive. It’s tough. It really tests every ounce of my patience. If they were dying of cancer, I could at least feel a little sympathy and say they had no control over it. But both Rodney’s Mom and Dad are dying because of their complete and utter disregard for themselves. There is just no way to sugarcoat it. Even doctors have agreed that these health problems are a direct result of the way they live, and not hereditary. How in the hell do you feel sorry for someone who is slowly killing themselves, and making the rest of their family suffer in the mean time? It is the cruelest, most selfish thing to put a family through. I am trying to be compassionate. It would be so much easier if his Dad would rest after being in the hospital, and report any problems immediately. It would also help if he changed his eating habits. Surely there’s some type of service for the elderly that would deliver healthy food. He could just as easily pay for that as he pays for fast food. Maybe I’ll look into that for him. As for his Mother… I’ve been mild and there’s a lot to be said about her that I’ve purposely withheld. But on the topic of smoking, well we all know what needs to happen with that.
Picture it: January, 2002. If only I’d had a blog during that time in my life. It was the most fun, the most laughs, and I have no idea why I have never talked about it before. Now how can I even begin to summarize it into this post? Let’s just say that when I lived in Illinois, I grew up a closeted gay boy, afraid to be my true self. I had taken some time off after high school to work full time as a designer, and even then, I remained in the closet at work. When Rodney and I moved to Raleigh, NC in 2002, I decided it was time to be a grown man, and people would have to accept me for who I really was. I became a bold, confident version of my true self. It didn’t take long before people noticed. I had wit, I had humor, and I had talent to top it all off. I was outspoken and unafraid of authority… The Test One of my favorite moments in college was the day the whole classroom took a test and failed. The instructor was awful. He really didn’t know how to explain the material, he was very bad at his job, and I really felt we were victims of his poor judgment. I didn’t see how we could possibly have taken the test and passed. So in a ballsy move, I asked him to step out into the hall with me, and I explained that he had done a very bad job as a teacher. I told him that our test results were a direct reflection of his lack of skills, and if he put the scores in our permanent records, it would only show that he didn’t know how to properly go over the lesson. I asked him to throw out our tests and re-teach the entire lesson…. and HE DID! The whole class cheered when they found out what had happened. I was a hero that day, and I really think I did the right thing. But I was most proud because I did something the high school version of me never would have done. The SEX Scandal One of the projects in a class on print design was to re-create a CD cover that we felt could be improved. I chose Madonna’s Erotica CD, because I’ve always loved the music, but always hated the cover. I decided I wanted to incorporate a photo from her racy “SEX” book, so I went online to download pictures from it. Right then, one of the big wigs from the school (I don’t recall which) walked in and his eyes went right onto my screen. “Did I walk in on something?” he asked me. “No,” I said without hesitation. “I’m working on art. Besides, I don’t like naked women anyway.” This was Nathan Exposed in the making, I have to say. Pulling up porn in class, and getting away with it. Somehow I don’t think these stories will translate as well to my blog now, compared to how they would translate if you’d known the old me and then saw the new me in the making. I guess the most important thing is that I came out of my shell, and found out people really liked me. That’s a very nice feeling.
This time of year brings out the romantic in me. Who doesn’t enjoy a good love story? The best ones are those that involve drama and controversy. The story of Romeo and Juliet is a well-known classic, afterall. It was during this particular time 7 years ago that Rodney and I were fighting our feelings for each other, as I was in a committed relationship with someone else. If you only knew the fires that burned secretly in my heart. It’s such a crazy, physically and emotionally painful thing to be with someone and want someone else. You go through spells of self loathing, of guilt… yet you feel like there’s this light at the end of the tunnel if you could just break free. Talk about fireworks… when I finally told my partner at the time how I felt for Rodney, it was an explosion. It was misery. At first, I thought I could get over how I felt. But I couldn’t. This was not some crush, I really loved Rodney. There are many casualties in love, and unfortunately my partner became one of them. I did what I had to do to be happy. I had a choice to honor my commitment to one person and live the rest of my life with him, or I could end things and take a chance at being happy with Rodney. You must remember that there are no guarantees. I could have later realized I’d lost the most wonderful person in my life. Luckily, that never happened. Rodney is the one I would have regretted losing. So today, I was thinking about all I’d been through, and the fight to get where I am today. The crying and fighting, the feeling of being physically ill (I vomited often while this was going on because the pressure really got to me). It was all worth it. Most importantly, I would do it all again. I would go through all that over again just to have Rodney in my life. That’s a true testament to love. Every winter, when this time of year rolls around, I’m reminded of where I’ve been, and how I got here. It was worth the fight. I have no regrets.
I remember a time when I was a young boy in school. I felt I didn’t have a voice. Bullies ruled, and nerdy fairies like me would keep their mouths shut and hide a corner if we knew what was best for us. In many ways, I feel like politicians have become the bullies of the adult playground. Over the years, gay people have become their punching bags. For a long time, we fought back, and there were many passionate discussions on blogs. But in 2008, I’ve noticed that hardly any gay bloggers have even said a peep about the current caucuses going on. A part of me thinks it’s because our community feels defeated. We’ve been beat up and pushed around so much, we’re finally submitting to the demands of the big bullies, just like in school. We’re shutting up, we’re hiding. We’re focusing on other things. Now is not the time to back down. It might feel better to hide our heads in the sand and just wait for the major elections to roll around, but that’s not the way to live. We still have a voice. We are still Americans, and the bullies only win if they succeed in silencing us. What is going on right now is relevant. It’s shaping the future and paving the way for whose name will be on your ballot in 11 months. Don’t you think that’s worth talking about? I do, because I want change. I feel very confident that our Democratic candidates will bring it. I’m not just talking about GLBT issues either. There are many important topics going on in America, from health care to bringing our troops home safely. I hope that 2008 is the year when things starting moving in the right direction. But it requires all of us to participate. We need to figure out which candidate we support, and make sure we speak up! Let’s make sure we are heard, and don’t allow ourselves to become tired and defeated. Make sure your friends and family know who you support, and why you support them. You might be surprised at who’s listening. Most importantly, just keep the conversation going. You have more influence than you might realize. Use your voice, your strength, and your power. All it takes is one person to start a movement.
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One of my favorite rituals of January is going to Target to check out their yearly Global Bazaar. From a marketing perspective, it’s genius. Other retailers are suffering this time of year because there isn’t anything exciting going on that makes people want to shop. But Target has landed a clever concept that gets people to open up their wallets, and also gets them talking. I can’t think of any other worldwide retailer that actually gets people excited about their home on an annual basis.
