Nathan Exposed

I am writing today regarding your Deluxe Mixed Nuts. I would like to ~~whine about~~ discuss the things I don’t like about them, and then expand my ~~whining~~ discussing to cover the general realm of your products.

First of all, what is the story with the cashews? Why do all cans of mixed nuts have an over-abundance of cashews? Even mixed nuts from other companies have a crazy amount of cashews. I’m assuming cashews are the cheapest nut of the bunch, and therefore you cram them into the can to save yourself money. Meanwhile, you drop a few almonds in there (which are expensive) and slap a $5 price tag on the can.

Now, on to the bigger picture… I am allergic to onions. Well, not “allergic-allergic.” You see, I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a condition that affects 10% of the population (for reals). Onions are one of the leading triggers for an IBS episode, which results in painful cramping and upset stomach.

As a result, I can’t buy your cans of walnuts or smoked almonds because you insist of sprinkling them with onions. I’m sure these nuts taste delicious, as I watch my partner Rodney eat them happily while I drool. But why do you insist on using onions on your nuts? Is that your unique contribution to the world of nuts? I’ve never heard of anyone mixing onions with nuts. When was the last time someone stopped and said “Gee, these nuts would be so much better with onions”?

So that is my beef with you Emerald. It’s too bad, because I really like your nuts. And to show just how much this bothers me… I’m going to boycott buying your brand.

Just look at what happened when I wrote that bad review about Campbells because of their sloppy Soup at Hand. My sharp words devastated the soup industry. Absolutely devastated. They have never been the same.

So I suggest you ease up on the cashews in your mixed nuts. Oh, and get rid of those onions too!

Warmly,

Nathan