Nathan Exposed » Exposed and vulnerable

Exposed and vulnerable

Thanks to everyone for the positive commentary on my 2 year blog post. It actually made me go back and think about what this blog is supposed to be about.

I don’t feel like I’ve been completely honest in a very long time. It isn’t that I’ve been lying, I just haven’t been exposing anything beneath the surface. I haven’t allowed myself to really be open and talk about things that strike a nerve with me.

I guess that carries over into my real life too. I don’t mean to do it, but I seem to lock everyone out. When I scan through the rolodex in my head, I can’t think of anyone who TRULY knows me. Rodney comes pretty darn close, but that’s it.

I try to think of one friend that I feel like I can say anything to. Nobody comes to mind. And it’s not their fault. Many people have told me they will be there for me, and I believe they would be. I just don’t allow myself to open up.

If someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, you can bet I’ll be there. I’m happy to listen to anything that’s troubling you. But when it comes to me opening up, all you’ll get is a big grin and an attitude of “Oh, everything’s fine and dandy.”

Sometimes it’s not. I’m not intentionally lying, it’s just part of my optimistic demeanor. I want to be the happy guy… you know the one that you can invite to anything and you know he’ll be in a great mood and ready to make you laugh.

That’s who Nathan is… or at least who he’s meant to be. God forbid I should ever show a real ounce of emotion or weakness.

But if we’re getting down to the nitty gritty, things are pretty crazy for me right now. It’s just up and down, up and down, and most of it is tied to the almighty dollar.

Money is a very severe reality. Maybe it can’t buy you happiness, but it sure buys our mortgage, car payment, utilities, phone bills, gas, and groceries. Going out on my own has been more challenging than I’ve ever imagined.

When it’s good, it’s soooo good. Last week I was working 10 hour days and making money left and right. This week… not a penny. That’s the part that drives me crazy. I can’t plan ahead because I never know what’s coming up.

Will I have money next week? Who knows? Nobody.

Then when I finally do get money, I’m backtracking trying to catch up on bills from the week before. So I’m always either ahead or behind.

I’ve considered looking into jobs at design firms, but the thought just grates my nerves. I can’t even begin to tell you what the world of design is like. Extremely catty, like runway models. Designers are a rare breed of bitchiness.

I’ve also looked into other jobs. When I go to a job site, and look at the options staring back at me, they feel so foreign. Accounting, customer service, medical, real estate, retail, sales… WTF? I’m not any of these things.

This is the downside of starting so young. I started designing when I was 15. Now I’m 25 and feeling the kind of burn out people usually don’t get until their 30’s.

Ugh… I know this too shall pass. I know I’m bitching and moaning, and this is exactly why I don’t open up more often. I’ll probably get 3 new clients next week and be happier than a bug in a rug.

It’s these highs and lows that drive me crazy. When I’m up, I feel invincible. But when I’m down, I stew in my own misery.

There… I exposed myelf. If you made it this far, you definitely deserve a lollipop.

Fri, Jul 27, 2007 @ 2:11 am | Filed in Life | Permalink

6 Comments

You are not alone as what you have written here most definitely resonates for me. Good for you for being honest and sharing that and exposing yourself in that way. Congrats on the blogiversary!

Posted by Shutternick on Fri, Jul 27, 2007 @ 2:41 pm

Thanks for the lollipop.

Posted by TJ on Fri, Jul 27, 2007 @ 3:59 pm

Nathan, my two cents worth is you don’t owe it to anyone to “open up”. I think every one relates to their outside world in different ways. If you don’t feel like opening up, so be it. I’m the same way. There are things I hardly talk about because they are personal to me. Even Sam isn’t privy to those things sometimes. But at other times, when I feel like sharing, I do. Just be yourself and continue to be the Nathan we have grown to love.

Posted by enihsnus on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 3:14 am

Nathan, it’s all about you baby. If you feel the need to open and tell someone something then that’s your prerogative. If not, then that’s ok to. I enjoy reading your blog, I enjoy talking to you on the phone. Just always be honest with yourself and things will work to your advantage.

Posted by chip on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 9:30 am

To this day, it is hard for me to open up to people so I know what you mean, but you can’t be there for everyone and then not have someone be there for you. There are only two people that I really discuss my life with because personally I don’t trust people too much.

Working freelance is hard. There will always be good weeks and bad weeks. If I had a million dollars I would share it with you. You have been great to talk to. Again, thank you for allowing us to be part of your life.

Posted by vfrankl on Sat, Jul 28, 2007 @ 10:35 am

First of all, where’s my lollipop!? Now, I think the reason you don’t open up is because you are afraid you’ll be annoying everyone. It’s ok sometimes too share a little bit of our inner misery, don’t you think? Otherwise we would drive ourselves crazy. If you’re so worried about money, why don’t you look for another job (one that still allows you to stay at home and be a web designer)? Do they have cat walkers in the states? xD Seriously now, I have always thought that been at home too much time eventually gets to you, you should look for an activity where you can breath fresh air once in a while.

Posted by danny on Sun, Jul 29, 2007 @ 9:40 am