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Well, Ace is gone from American Idol now. He was awfully pretty, but it was time to go. I always feel bad on Thursday’s. You know it’s a sad and disappointing day for these people. Sure, they’ll go on to bigger and better things. But still, I hate to see anyone’s dreams not come true. So whenever I need a good laugh, I just whip out this photo of Simon Cowell’s speedo bulge. *tee hee* Gets me every time.
“Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”
Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man’s man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn’t seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is. Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don’t recall the phrase, “Suck my cock” entering the conversation, and I don’t have a sign around my neck that reads, “Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock.” I’ve got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I’ve got a real problem. Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he’s sucking my cock! What is it with these homos? Can’t they control their sexual urges? Aren’t there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me? Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who’ve come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots? I’ve tried all sorts of things, but it’s all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn’t work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes? I swear, if these homosexuals don’t take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I’m going to have to resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can’t get much more direct than that. —-
There are hundreds of Goatse parodies. Nobody seems to know exactly who he is, but the graphic photo of his asshole remains a classic. Anyway, I had a nightmare about Goatse a few nights ago. The spirit of him had possessed my paper shredder and he was trying to grind up our pets. He was an evil, hungry little paper shredder with a magnetic force to draw the animals towards him. The only way to stop him was to break the curse by writing some sort of spell on paper, and then feeding the paper to him. In the dream, I did that and the spell freed the spirit of Goatse from our paper shredder. All was safe again in the household. Whatta dream, eh? Click here to see the real Goatse (Warning: VERY GRAPHIC!)
Every child has their “When I grow up, I want to be a…” answer. My childhood ambition was to star in movies and be an actor. I wanted all the fame and fortune. When I was in high school, I was a thespian and a member of the school’s drama club. I starred in a comedic role in the play “Lend Me a Tenor” and also played a preacher in a Huckleberry Finn play. Somewhere along the way, my dream of being an actor faded. Hollywood’s a bitch, you know. My first “real job” was at Domino’s Pizza. It was actually a really well maintained place. A lot of nasty stuff goes on in the food industry, but I’m happy to say everything was very clean. To this day, they are still my favorite pizza place. My next job was as a lawnmower. I hated mowing lawns. My Dad pushed me to do it and even got clients for me. Looking back, I should have appreciated it more. It’s easy money, good exercise, and a good way to get a tan. In addition to lawn mowing, I also did garden work for a little old lady down the street. Yet another job I hated. But those were good times in retrospect. I learned a lot from her. I started doing graphic design at age 15. I’d really gotten a grasp of it, and inherited by Mom’s good business skills. I started doing professional work, and I’ve now been a designer for 9 years. In addition to design, I also worked at a music and movies store during college. That was the most thankless job. But I was a good salesman and I loved looking at covers and posters. It was also the place where I had a single encounter with a homophobic customer. I went outside and verbally humiliated him. He was so sorry that he came back later that week apologizing profusely. That’s my career to date
But recently I have looked at Google in a whole new light. They recently went live with their Calendar Beta. I love using calendars to schedule deadlines, appointments, and general goals. I feel like I’ve accomplished something when I can look at a calendar and see that things are getting done. The problem is that most online calendars are worthless. Sure, they are great because you can view them on any computer. But they often fall short in usability. The Yahoo! Calendar, for example, has too many damn buttons. I just want to jot a note on the calendar. I feel like they want me to write a whole book about turning in a project on Friday. Bleh. Google Calendar is so easy and interactive. You just click a date and a box pops up for you to add a note. Close it and you’re done. If you want a more detailed entry, it’s easy to expand on. You can also get alerts e-mailed to you or sent to your cell phone. I’m sure other online calendars offer this, but Google just makes it look simple. A calendar is a calendar, any way you look at it. Most of them will probably get you through the day. But this is the first time I’ve really been excited about an online calendar service. I give in Google, you’ve finally found the ‘g’ spot.
I realize it isn’t Sunday yet. But we’ll be out of town this weekend, so I’m posting the Sex edition early. This week, it’s a triple feature to keep you satisfied all weekend long! For the Back: Prostate Pleasure Plug
This little bad-boy is designed to fuck you up. It was actually molded from the anatomy of an ass, which means it will fit perfectly inside you. The entire shape of the plug is designed to massage every inch of you inside, with special attention to your prostate. It has a powerful remote controlled vibrating egg inside, so you can control the intensity. You can also remove the egg and put your finger inside the plug, for maximum control over the penetration. Click here to buy the Prostate Pleasure Plug For the Front: Jelly Super Thruster
This little gadget looks hot. You stick your cock inside and it vibrates you into orgasm. Fine, we’ve all seen toys like this before. So why is this different? It features a specially-designed 5″ see-through shaft filled with stimulating tickler nubs. Watch them wiggle to and fro, massaging you to orgasm. You can also insert the multi-speed vibrating bullet to add to the sensation! It comes with a bottle of lube to make your cumshot extra slippery. Click here to buy the Jelly Super Thruster For a Good Time: Horse Hung
This DVD was recommended to me because a reader bought it through my blog this week. It’s 4 hours of non-stop sex! Blow-jobs, ass-pounding, orgies… This collection has it all. And because it’s 4 hours of sex scenes, you’ll be entertained for quite awhile! There are glory holes, pool sex, awkward bedroom sex…you know, all the classics of porn. All of these great items are offered through AdamMale.com. Be sure to leave me your comments about toys, DVD’s, and accessories that you think should be featured each week! You can also e-mail me: secrets [at] nathanexposed [dot] com.
Earlier this week, I wrote a post about how badly my penis was burning. Usually I get a burning feeling after eating spicy food, but this time it was much worse and would not go away. I felt a little weird about posting it, but I was in soooooo much pain. I had to cry somewhere. So thank you very much for all your funny and concerned comments! I’m happy to announce the burning penis is resting quietly in a dark, secure location. He is still very sore, so he has called off all public appearances for the remaining week. Actually, it turns out I have a urinary tract infection, caused by not drinking enough water. Let that be a lesson boys! The doctor told me to drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, and they mean it when they say that! Seriously…you do not want a burning penis. It’s also good to cut back on caffeine and sugary drinks. But most importantly, drink lots of water! And don’t think you’re safe ladies. The burning penis has a sister called the burning vagina. In other news, one of my antibiotics is supposed to cause blue urine! I can’t wait. I’m drinking lots of water in hopes that the Smurf Fairy will visit me soon. Hooray!
AND…GET THIS! I searched for everyone I graduated from high school with and came across this lesbian who I didn’t recognize at first. We graduated the same year from the same school. Surely I knew her. I looked at her picture over and over again. She was so butch. I didn’t remember her at all. Then it hit me. OMFG! It was my ex-girlfriend! She is a BIG OL’ CARPET MUNCHING LESBIAN! I had no idea. Ever. There were never any rumors. Never any signs. I would have never thought she was a lesbian. And now she’s out and proud. Let me be more specific. She is so butch, I think she could take down King Kong, bend him over her knee, and sodomize him with her strap-on dick. Wow. I love you MySpace.
This was a really interesting analysis: The Idiot Savant You like things silly, immediate, and, above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE internet forwards–and also the most likely to save them in a special folder entitled ‘HOLY SHIT’. Because it’s so easily appreciated, and often wacky and physical, your sense of humor never ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there’s a sly intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of humor could be called ‘anti-pretentious’–but paradoxically enough, that indicates you’re smarter than most. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Johnny Knoxville - Jimmy Kimmel Click here to take the 3-Variable Funny Test
My friend Eddy is the queen of blog quizzes. He loves taking quick tests and posting them, and they are actually a fun thing to do. So today’s quiz is “What Sign Is Your True Love?” (Well this quiz says my true love is a Pisces. But I believe my true love is Rodney, who happens to be an Aquarius. Take the quiz and post your results.)
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4 Comments
Look, I’m not a hateful person or anything - I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I’ve been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.
Before I tell you about my dream, I should preface by introducting Goatse. If you don’t know about Goatse, here’s the scoop. In 1999, photos of a man spreading his ass open like a Thanksgiving turkey surfaced on the net. The photos originated on a site called goatse.cx. They have been used to shock and startle internet users ever since.
Sometimes bloggers talk about the jobs they’ve done in their life, and I find it interesting to learn what kinds of experiences they’ve had. I’ve actually mentioned very little about my career, so I’m going to do that now.
Myspace is like crack. I have been a member for a little over 24 hours now and I am an addict. It is the most voyeuristic obsession ever.
