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I am not ashamed. I have all of her CD’s. I own the DVD for “Glitter” and have watched it many times. She can do no wrong in my eyes. When people say bad things about her, I make a voodoo doll and stab them. Mariah is the only woman I would let touch my balls. Take that.
Wrong. To my horror, these things were a mess. I distinctly remember the first time I opened one at work. When I pulled off the lid (very gently) it splattered all over my shirt and hands. Then, while in the microwave, it bubbled over and made a mess on the tray. Bitches. I was so annoyed that I personally e-mailed Campbells and told them how much bullshit their ad campaign was, and proceeded to tell them I needed a bib to eat their damn soups at work. Their reply: “We are sorry you are having difficulty eating our soups, but we stand behind our products and their quality.” WTF? Not only did they treat me like an idiot, they absolutely refused to believe that anything was wrong with their product!
I walked into the break room with confidence, and slowly opened the top. BAM! Tomato soup splattered my sleeve and floor. Campbells Soup is a bunch of bitches. You have stained my super-gay purple shirt that I just had dry-cleaned. That is a crime against humanity. Fuck you. My dry cleaning bill is in the mail. And I’m also sending you my therapy bill, as I’m sure I’ll need it after writing this.
Caption this, bitches
Rodney and I went to buy groceries this evening…a weekend ritual. Exciting huh? I think a lot in the grocery store. All the colors and logos and smells make my head race. So I thought I’d share some thoughts with you. - I am not ashamed to spray air freshener in the aisle to test it out. (Poor Rodney acts like he doesn’t know me when I do this). - I am paranoid about expiration dates, and will go through a whole display of milk or bread to get to the freshest one. (Hint: they are always in the back on the display. They are stacked that way.) - I have a fetish for flavored chapstick. If you’re going to use the stuff, you might as well get a little enjoyment when you lick your lips, right? Besides, my kisses taste awesome. - My phone always rings when I’m at the store. I don’t know why. - Incidently, my phone is set to vibrate, and I get a lot of wrong numbers. If the phone is laying just right in my front pocket, a wrong number can be a very good time - I don’t like it when people mess up aisles and sometimes I will pick up things and put them back in their place. - I think buying things just because they are on sale is stupid. The food usually goes to waste. We only buy things we know we’ll eat in the near future. It cuts down on clutter and spoiled food. - I laugh at people who carry those little baskets and just have one apple and a bottle of water. WTF? - I eat way too much frozen pizza, canned soup, and pasta. Perhaps I should have been Italian. - I considered buying Fresca tonight because I’ve heard a lot of podcasts about it. (Inside joke, a few of you will get it.) - Wow, I could go on and on. But I think it’s time to shut-up. In closing, congratulations to Eddy on the new baby! He’s fucking adorable, and the kid is cute too
Well, I’ve found the perfect straight guy. Cory has all the traits women want. He has all the stereotypes people look for in a guy. And he’s single. This news is probably interesting for the 1 straight woman who reads this blog. All others need not apply, because this guy really is straight. I sit by him everyday, yet I am constantly surprised by his emotional depth. These are some of the things he posted on his blog recently. Isn’t it just adorable? Dan and I were reading them last night and the conversation consisted mostly of “awwww”. ——— 05. I am a hopeless romantic. 27. Not being listened to also drives me crazy. People that ignore me hurt my feelings pretty bad. I’m not sure where that comes from. 28. A girlfriend calling me ‘baby’ causes me to melt. 32. I am obsessed with shoes. 34. I despise racism and bigotry with a passion. 50. Being a ’single-father’ every other weekend is emotionally straining and being without my daughter for long spans of time is very difficult. I’m afraid of losing her. 56. I love being in love. 58. I hate being scared. I don’t like haunted houses or anything of that nature. 65. I am very respectful of women. I open doors and all that gentleman shit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t occasionally forget, but I always try and show them respect. 66. I’m not into ‘traditional’ gender roles. I consider a wife to be an equal investor in a common venture. Neither party has any more power than the other. 67. I wash, clean and cook. I enjoy doing all of them. 76. I have never cheated on anyone. 110. I am very close to my mom. She has been there for me any time I’ve ever needed her. She’s the best mom ever.
She-ot. This morning I got 2 messages from my domain host saying my domain name is about to go over its bandwidth limit. I need to upgrade my account. I think I’ll put one of those Paypal donation buttons on my blog this weekend. I see them on other blogs, so I guess that’s normal. If there are any sugar daddies out there who want to contribute to my blogging addition, go for it. To show how grateful I am, I’ll send you nude photos…. well, they won’t be nude photos of ME. But they will be really hot anyway Anyhoo, if you come here over the weekend and my blog is down, don’t worry. I’ll get it back up ASAP.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: This is the act of walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: This refers to a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. The WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life. —
I enjoyed this segment so much that I’m doing another one. JJD asked: “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.. and yet, the truth will set you free. How do you reconcile these two opposing adages in your own life?” Great question. I generally prefer to not say anything at all. I like to weigh out the situation. If the truth is going to hurt someone, I have to ask myself how much it’s really worth. Will it damage the relationship forever? If so, why risk it? I don’t like taking risks when emotions are at stake. These rules all disappear if I am hurt, angry, or personally offended. That’s when I choose to let the truth set me free. I don’t like to keep things bottled up, so I can be scathing at times. That’s when the truth really hurts. Readers - what are your thoughts on this? Which path do you usually choose? Also, I’m still open to more questions Update: Hmmm…I think this was taken out of context. Some of the comments have made me question how this post was perceived. I think I was even being called a liar, but I’m not sure. As a general rule, I prefer the phrase “If you can’t say something nice…” because it avoids silly conflicts in our daily lives. That doesn’t mean I lie. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to withhold the truth in a serious matter. If it’s something serious, then yes I’m going to say something. But I thought this was a light-hearted question, not a serious one.
Toilet Paper Positioning Well, I’m not too picky about it. But what is up with the people who put it on the roll backwards? Ellen Degeneres has discussed this subject, and I agree with her. It does not make any sense for the roll to pull from the back. Look at the photo for an example. That’s how it should be. Toilet Paper Stacking Somebody in our bathroom at work sets one roll of toilet paper on top of the hanging roll. Why? This prevents me from using the toilet paper, because obviously it can’t roll if something is sitting on top of it. So I have to pick up the top roll and set it on the back of the toilet. I don’t get it. Actually, I know exactly who does it. I don’t know what his deal is. Why do you stack your toilet paper? Not Washing Your Hands There is one guy at work who does NOT wash his hands after he pees. Why? How gross. I will never shake his hand again, nor will I touch the mouse on his desk, or ink pens, or anything he’s touched. How rude. He’s such a nice guy too. I’m so disappointed. Look, there is no excuse for people not washing their hands. Nobody wants to shake your hand after you’ve touched your dick. Practice good hygiene…or at least be considerate of other people. No Courtesy Flush When you’re taking a shit, you always flush after the main chocolate bomb drops. It helps reduce the smell. Please, do the courtesy flush. And flush again after you’re done, obviously. The people who use the bathroom afterwards highly appreciate it. If you have an upset stomach, the rules change. Flush often, and clean up after yourself if you’ve made chocolate milk. Splatter on the rim is not hot. In Closing Sometimes, ya just gotta get it all out. Pun intended. I hope this has been useful and informative. To the guy who doesn’t wash his hands…you’ve been warned. And to the toilet paper stacker…well, we’ll see about you. There is one topic I purposely left out. I think it’s been discussed enough
This morning was like that for me. I put on my new black pants, along with a dark striped shirt. I was having a pretty good hair day, wearing my favorite cologne, Pleasures. Yep, everything was going my way. When I got to work, Cory said “Hey, you’re wearing a blue shirt with black pants. That doesn’t match.” WHAT??!! All the coolness got knocked right out of me. I looked down as the fluorescent lighting beat down on me. Oh my God! He was right. I looked like I got dressed in the dark. Shit. Okay, I guess the shirt was blue….very dark blue. I usually associate colors by tone. I guess that’s part of being a graphic designer. I put a dark shirt with dark pants, and they looked really good in natural lighting. But it was a totally different story under this lighting. I look terrible. This is the equivalent of going on a date, having a great time, and then realizing you had something in your teeth the entire night. Ugh.
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I love Mariah Carey.
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A few years ago, I bought some of those 
Fast forward to Jan. 31, 2006. I decided to give them another chance. I won’t buy their “Soup-on-Your-Hands” anymore, but I was willing to try out their 15 oz. disposable bowls.
This is the post you’ve been waiting all your life for. Well the day has finally come. I’m going to tell you about my bathroom annoyances. Yay!
We all have those great mornings, when we think we’re on top of our game. We’re dressed up, looking hot, smelling good, and feel totally indestructable.
