I finally feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief. My follow-up blood work and CT scans confirmed I am cancer-free. I was technically cancer-free three months ago, but the doctors expressed some concern (a less than 5% chance) that microscopic cells had spread to my lymph-nodes. Now that these results have come back, I finally feel able to accept that I’m free from those shackles.
A lot has changed in three months. We live in California now. I’m not sure how we survived the move. Having cancer, having surgery, going through recovery, taking all our personal belongings and saying goodbye to people we loved. Whew. Just typing it out puts me in a state of disbelief. But somehow we did it.
Our son is perhaps just days away from taking his first steps. This morning, he started standing up with the help of furniture. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him standing up in his bed, with that huge grin on his face. He knew what he’d done and he was proud of it. It breaks my heart a little.
I’ve been looking through photos and videos, taken just mere months ago, and feeling like they were only yesterday. How did this little baby, whom I held in my arms day after day, night after night, turn into this active little boy, giggling and playing, and growing up much too fast. Every parent talks about how quickly their children grow up. I knew it was true. I never doubted it. But I also wasn’t prepared. It just rips your heart out in a way I can’t describe.
I love who he’s growing up to be. He matures a little each day, and becomes better and better at communication. Sometimes I look at him and our eyes meet, and I capture this moment of “knowing” that we’ve connected somehow. And yet I miss the days when he was just a little spud, whose little head fit in the nook of my shoulder.
Ah, that nook. Parents know that nook. We spend less and less time cuddling, and someday his head won’t fit there at all.
What was the point of my story…?
Life changing, babies growing up, life speeding by.
Well this is just a combination of thoughts, and feelings, and memories. Tomorrow I will start a new day, reaffirmed as cancer-free, and clinging desperately to each moment of our son’s time as an infant.