Is This How I’ll Go Out?

Aug 21, 2015 / Filed in Life / 4 Comments

Dealing with cancer has been a painful reminder of my own mortality. It reaffirms the fact that someday, somehow, I’m going to die. And now I feel like I’ve been kissed by the icy lips of the grim reaper. He put me on his list and even if it’s 60 years from now, I fear that cancer is how I’ll go.

The scary truth is that I could get cancer again. There’s only a 3%-4% chance of developing new cancer, but the fact remains that cancer survivors are at higher risk. This worries me, and quite frankly, it frightens me with a depth that cannot be pacified.

I find myself questioning many things. Most often, I question my health. I have been obsessive about my health. I always tried to eat organic food, avoided pesticides, bought ridiculously expensive body products that were free of parabens and other chemicals, and only used natural home cleaners. I treated my body like a temple because I believed I was building a wall around myself that would keep out all the deadly things in the world. And yet there I was with cancer. Should I have just eaten anything I wanted?

I look at the people around me. Family, friends. Most of them don’t worry about what they eat. They don’t worry about the air they breathe, the chemicals and the contaminants. They go through each day with peaceful bliss and they never get cancer. Statistically, they probably never will have cancer (and I certainly don’t wish it upon them!). So of course I ask, “Why me?”

Asking that question is part of the grieving process. And there is usually no answer. Why me, why me, why me? Nobody knows. Bad things happen. Healthy people get sick. Unhealthy people smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and live to be 102. That’s how it goes.

The first week after surgery was very difficult, but it’s getting better. On a lighter and less depressing note, I kind of like having one testicle. Isn’t that odd?

My underwear has a little more room in the pouch. I like that. And you know how sometimes the seam in the center of your pants gets pulled at the wrong angle and parts your balls in a painful way? That will never happen to me now. My one ball just moves around freely.

It still freaks me out to see myself naked and I try to avoid it. Having one ball looks exactly the way you think it looks. The ball has moved to the center and hangs there. I try to use humor to help. I call myself a uniballer.

There are many thoughts that cross my mind. Too many to process sometimes. I don’t know if cancer is what will ultimately kill me, but for now, I’m cancer-free and alive.

If you enjoyed this, please share the love!


  • Hi glad its going well.

    Don’t worry about the c word.
    It may not happen again.

    I have lost 2 out of 3 grandparents and all my grate grand parents. And uncle from it.
    Life is what you make from it. I don’t think that I will more likey dye from it. I have more important things to worry about. Like when is my pay day. Where am I going on holiday to. What’s Nathan said on his blog.
    In my experience there are two types of people who have cancer. They are the ones Tha worry and let it take over their lifes and lose the will. Or the fighters who know how important life is. My nan was the latter. She found out Tha she had cancer in the pancreas and secondary cancer. That’s when she told the Dr to shut up and looked at her options. She was dying. But she did it her way the hospital said she had to stay there nan said no home by day and hospital by night they said dead in a week my nan said xxxx xxx. She put up a long fight 28 days. I got the call I was waiting for and dreading to come home now. As she was on her way home by ambulance to die and se was nit expected to make it home. But she did and for the last 8 days she lived and died in her home. That tortured me watching her die but it showed me that life was too short and to take ownership of it. Nan took it. And I know that you will. After all you have nappies to change dishes to wash and what’s for tea to worry about.

    Sorry if this does not make any sense. But its sent with love and the emotions of nan are still very raw. And I am crying typing this.

    chris cross (Aug 23, 2015)
    • Sorry to hear of the painful battle with cancer your nan went through. I know we’ve talked about this via email too, and I know it will take awhile for you to process the emotions of her passing, especially since it was this year.

      Nathan (Aug 25, 2015)
  • I understand that you worry. It’s only natural after going trough what you’ve gone through.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if I got cancer later on. My grandmother has had a total mastectomy, she got diagnosed almost 30 years ago and is now 82.
    One of my grandfathers had cancer when he died, but it wasn’t the cancer that killed him, he got to be 86. My other grandfather actually did die from cancer, but he didn’t die young, he got to be 82.
    My other grandmother died from a stroke.
    So me getting cancer, it wouldn’t be surprising, especially as 1 of 3 Swedes gets cancer in their lifetime. But many won’t die from it.

    And that’s what I’m trying to say.
    I expect that I will get cancer, but it don’t expect to die from it. If you live to reach a certain age, you will probably get cancer as the body can’t keep up with maintenance.

    You should of course continue to eat healthy, it might not have helped with this cancer, but I’m sure it has helped your cells with dealing with other types of injuries or malfunctions. Eating healthy statistically improves your chances, and I know you know this.

    On the one ball note, I can’t really relate. But I imagine that not having any boobs has it advantages. Not having to wear a bra for example.
    But for me, personally, I really don’t care if a guy has one or two balls. They aren’t that fun. 😉

    Sarah (Aug 23, 2015)
    • Sarah, as always, I find you incredibly inspiring. You have such a brave outlook on this, and I love it that you look at cancer as a mere obstacle to pass over.

      Despite your family’s history, it’s certainly possible it will skip you, and I hope it does. But even if it doesn’t, I know you have the positive outlook to beat it and live a healthy life. You rock! And thank you for your encouragement.

      Nathan (Aug 25, 2015)

Join the conversation

About Nathan

I'm a happily married gay man, writing about my life as a new father and sharing our adventures with a side of snark.
Learn More About Me

A Word from Our Sponsors