It seems that every couple of years, I get a masochistic streak and decide to have another go at body wax.
Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I remember, I tell myself.
My last experiment was in 2011 when I had it out with a jar of white chocolate scented body wax from hell. At the time, I promised myself that I would never do it again.
Never, like ever, as Taylor Swift would say.
Now clearly 2013 isn’t the time to have a smooth body. Manscaping was all the rage a few years ago but the tides have turned. Now it’s all about the hair — thick, bearish, manly man hair. If you aren’t naturally hairy, you better cut up a wig and glue it to your body to fit in with the other manly men!
And growing long beards has become a sport. I think guys are using it now as a replacement for penis measurement. He who has the longest beard wins.
Well, hell. I’m not very hairy. I’m kinda proud of the hair I do have on my chest, and friends always seem genuinely surprised when they see it.
“Nathan, you have chest hair?” they say with eyes wide in astonishment.
“Yeah, boys, I do. Looks like I finally hit puberty.”
Ever since Daniel and I started doing P90X in January, the idea of shaving, or at least trimming my body hair has become appealing again. I understand why professional bodybuilders do it. A smooth body really does show off the curves of your muscles, and when you’re new to having muscles, it’s pretty exciting!
A few nights ago, I bought some Veet wax strips (thank you, Sarah!). I figured they wouldn’t be nearly as messy as the jar of wax and I was hoping they would be less painful. I decided to start with my armpits and have Daniel help this time.
The hair under your armpits grows in two different directions, which I’d never thought about but after I read about it in the instructions, I did realize it. So you’re supposed to use one strip for the bottom of the pit and one for the top.
Daniel put the first strip on my lower right armpit and rubbed it on to get it nice and tight against the hair. Just then, I freaked out and changed my mind.
“Wait, stop!” I said, coiling away in fear. “I don’t wanna do it. No, no. I don’t wanna. I’m just gonna leave it on.”
“But you can’t,” Daniel said. “We have to pull it off. Trust me, it will hurt worse if you wait.”
I shook my head. “Nope, it’s a part of me now. Maybe it will just kind of wear off and come off on its own.” I was rationalizing at this point.
“It doesn’t work like that,” Daniel said.
I finally worked up the nerve to let him pull it off… And FUCK it hurt! I yelled out and pushed him away.
“That was awful! AHHHH it burns soooo bad!”
It really did. My entire underarm was bright pink and drops of blood were oozing out of my armpit. We still had 3 more sections to go!
“No, that’s it,” I said. “We’re not doing the rest. I’m just going to walk around with a half waxed armpit. I don’t care. It’s too painful.”
If you haven’t caught on, I turn into a toddler when I’m upset. It’s not pretty.
Daniel convinced me the top half wouldn’t hurt as badly. It would be easier. He lied. The top half was even worse!
“That’s it! I’m just going to have one hairy armpit,” I said in protest.
But a new problem had come up. Since we split the strip into two sections of my armpit, there was a thin line of hair through the center where the wax strips overlapped. Now I had two cleanly waxed (albeit bloody) sections of my armpit and one hairy line through the center. Goddamnit.
I finally worked up the nerve to have him do both sections of the other armpit, but again, there was a line of hair through the center. It was red and sore for 2 days and I’m just now able to wear regular antiperspirant again. I don’t dare put on Certain Dri again until I’m fully healed, because that would really burn!
So that’s my story of another failed, yet hilarious and painful, experience with wax. I won’t be using those strips on my chest or anywhere else. In fact, I hope I’ve learned my lesson this time.
But hey, if history has taught us anything, I’ll try again in two years. 😉