Revised Chapter: Lead Us Not Into Temptation
Thank you for the feedback on the opening chapter of my book. I’ve talked with a group of people about it and also done some editing over the past few days. I believe this new version of the chapter is an improvement.
I was surprised to learn that everyone who read the chapter kind of liked Father Robert. (I wanted you to hate him.) They disagreed with his beliefs, but they still wanted to learn more about him.
Charismatic is a word that might describe him. But I’m happy with this feedback and have decided to run with it. Maybe if you like him, you’ll feel sad when he dies. The important thing is that you felt something. This tells me I’ve created a multi-dimensional character that you believe is real. Exciting!
Here’s the new version. Again, please tell me your thoughts on it. Thank you!
1
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION
The phone rang, breaking the quiet tranquility on a Thursday morning. Father Robert was planning the church readings for the month ahead.
“St. Anthony’s Church, how can I help you?”
“Do you believe in God?” asked the raspy voiced man on the other end.
“Excuse me?”
“God. Do you believe in God?”
“Of course I do. What a ridiculous question.”
“I’m glad you believe in God, Father Robert. You’re gonna meet him when I gut you like a fish.” The caller started laughing. The sound was thick and rocky, like a heavy smoker. “In fact, I’m gonna stick a knife in your chest and rip out your heart like you ripped out mine.”
“Look, I don’t know what this is about,” Father Robert’s voice began to tremble, “but I’m sure we can talk about it.”
“Expect a surprise today.”
Click. The line went dead.
Father Robert sat paralyzed with fear, staring off into space from behind his desk.
Who would say such angry things?, he wondered to himself.
The front door of the rectory office swung open and the mail woman, Mary Anne, came marching in.
“Good morning, Father Robert. How are you?”
Robert remained motionless in his brown leather chair. His hands were hanging limply off the armrests.
“Hello-o-o! Earth to Father Robert. Did you hear me?” She waved her hand in front of his face.
“Mmm?”
“I’m just gonna put your mail right here on the side of the desk. Are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.”
“Mmm… What’s that?”
“I said you look like—”
“Sorry, I was just, um… Trying to remember someone’s name. I’m sorry, Mary Anne. How are you today?”
“Just fine, thank you. But I was hoping you’d be here because—”
“Good. Well just put the mail over there, please.”
Robert refocused on his surroundings and frantically pulled open the bottom drawer of his desk to search through folders. He noticed Mary Anne was still standing in the room.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Well, I was saying that I was hoping you’d be in your office today. I wanted to talk to you, but I can see you’re in the middle of something.”
She turned slowly to walk away, as if she wanted to be stopped.
“Mary Anne, wait.” He sighed. “I do kind of need to find something. But what’s the matter? Here, sit down. Take a load off.”
She came forward hesitantly. The old, rickety chair in front of the desk creaked as she squeezed her full figure into it, trying to get comfortable.
“It’s about my son… Justin. I found out he’s… he’s… homosexual.” She paused for dramatic effect, waiting for a reaction.
Robert’s expression remained unchanged. He rested his elbows on his desk, hands together in the shape of a steeple in front of his mouth as he listened thoughtfully.
“How old is Justin now? 15?”
“He turned 16 last month. And a few days ago, I came home and found him in bed with his friend Caleb. I just don’t know what to do. Is he going to Hell?”
Robert leaned back in his chair, glancing down at the open drawer which was calling to him. But he ignored it and tried to focus on the question.
“Well, this is a serious problem, Mary Anne. This kind of behavior is condemned. If we don’t stop your son from doing this, and ask for the Lord’s forgiveness, then yes, it could mean very bad things.”
“He says he’s happy with Caleb. He says he deserves to experience love just like any other human. And I don’t know how to argue with that.”
“Of course he’s happy. Alcoholics are happy too, but that doesn’t mean what they’re doing is right. Drug addicts, thieves, child molesters. They all enjoy what they do.”
Mary Anne was silent for a moment. She pulled a wadded up tissue out of her navy colored shorts and carefully blotted the tears from her plump freckled cheeks.
“Do you think you can talk to him, Father Robert?” Her crystal blue eyes looked bloodshot and tired.
“I can certainly try.” He leaned forward to hold her hands across the desk. “We have a gay recovery program now. If you brought your family to service regularly, you’d know about it.”
She looked away with shame. “I don’t think Justin will go for any of this. Can you really cure homosexuality?”
“Homosexuality is a sickness and there may be no cure. But we can teach him to control his urges and resist his temptations, similar to the therapy a drug addict goes through.”
“Well… It sounds like a good option.”
“We’ve just finished our first year of offering it and we’ve seen some real progress with our patients. It’s completely private and we only see people for individual sessions. Nobody gets to know who else is in the program and we schedule the appointments with 30 minutes in between to ensure that nobody crosses paths coming or going.”
“Let me talk it over with my husband and see what he thinks. Then we’ll talk to Justin.” She sighed with relief. “It really makes me feel better to know there’s hope. I’ve hardly slept at all these past few nights. This secret has been eating me up inside.”
“We’re going to fix him. With God, all things are possible.”
Robert squeezed her hand for extra reassurance. The sun shined through the ratty old plastic blinds, lighting up his brown eyes with a star-like brilliance. Tiny wrinkles outlined the edges when he smiled and lent a bit of wisdom and comfort to what he was saying.
“Thank you, Father. I’m taking some time off so we can visit our family for the weekend, so I won’t be stopping in tomorrow or Saturday. But I’ll see you on Monday and will let you know what we’ve decided.”
“Ah, well remember the mail doesn’t run on Labor Day. But I’ll see you next Tuesday and look forward to hearing the outcome. In the mean time, I’ll be saying an extra prayer for your son. And I hope to see your family’s faces in the pews sometime soon.”
She nodded and got up from the chair, gathered her large bag from the floor and left.
Robert’s attention moved to the pile of unopened mail at the edge of the desk. He sorted through ads about Labor Day sales on furniture, cars, electronics. Finally he came across a typed envelope addressed to him personally. There was no return address but the postmark revealed it had been sent locally in Nashville.
He tore open the top and pulled out a 4×6 photo. It was a snapshot of him sleeping in his bed, taken at close range. A sharp hunting knife with a gut hook on the end was being pointed at his throat.
Robert turned pale with shock.
Did you like this article? If so, please share it.
Wow! I must admit it did not take long at all to get me drawn into the plot. However, I can’t help but to at least admire Father Robert for his patience and understanding. I am young so my perception of things is most likely different(partly due to my ignorance I would guess) from you or other who read your blog. I was expecting a more cliche reaction from Father Robert, but I think that the reason this grabbed my attention so much was the fact that you didn’t fall into the abyss of the cliche. Overall, very interesting plot and characters and you did an outstanding job with pulling me into it with the first few lines and thirst for more right at the end. Hope you keep up with it and possibly post more sample chapters!
I’m not sure what age “young” is, and I’m also not sure how “old” you think I am.
(I’ll be 30 in ten days.) But in any case, don’t ever discount yourself because of age. I only say that because when I was young(er), I loathed having people discount my feelings based on my age. Whatever you think or feel is relevant. Remember that. And for someone who’s “young,” you are very insightful and good with words.
Now back to the story — THANK YOU! I was touched by your comment. I’m happy you don’t think Father Robert fits into any stereotypes. I want him to be authentic and unique, and it sounds like I accomplished that. So I appreciate the feedback on that.
I also appreciate your interest in reading more. I’ll be posting more soon.
Thanks again!
Oh well happy early birthday! But I said young because I am still 17
And thanks! I have a few friends who seem to think the same when I write something like a poem or very opinionated paper.
Also, I just want you to know I cried my eyes out when I read your post about Magoo. That same weekend(a few days before your post) my cat was at the vet for 4 days because he had lost about half of his total blood and barely escaped the vet with his life. I was an emotional wreck. The worst part was that they couldn’t figure out how he had lost the blood, and, because we didn’t know he was sick we had been keeping them outside a lot because we are all allergic, my family was beyond feeling guilty because the vet said that his main problem was that he was having trouble staying warm. That’s what hurt the most about the whole situation. To get back on track, I understand how you feel. I have lost two cats in my lifetime and it was hard. Hope you are doing well
Thank you! I’m kind of looking forward to turning 30 for some reason.
Well the character that is going to be counseled in the story just turned 16. If you have any insight into coming out as a teenager in this decade, I’d love to hear it. I came out in 1997. A different world, almost!
Thank you for the sympathies about Magoo. I’m very sorry to hear about your cat. I trust by your message that he’s better now? I hope so.
Hope you’re doing well. Thanks for the input!
Sorry for taking so long to comment, Nathan!
You asked us to answer 5 questions about this chapter, so I’ll use that format for my comments:
1. My feelings about Father Robert, so far, are mostly anger and curiosity. His position on homosexuality angers me, especially since he is passionate enough about it to run a “gay conversion” program.
I’m also very curious about what he allegedly did to the mysterious caller, and how that will shape his character.
I also wonder how multi-dimensional he is concerning his ex-gay program. He was quietly passionate when describing it to Mary Anne. Does he change his approach, depending on his audience? Does he ever turn into one of those loud, hate-spewing homophobes?
2. The “gay conversion” issue definitely hit a raw nerve with me. The so-called basis of this theory and position is hogwash, and these programs are dangerous and very distressing.
3. I am definitely curious enough to continue reading this book! The 1st chapter has drawn me in with 2-3 plotlines, which may or may not be connected, and promise mystery and some sort of nastiness ahead. You’ve told us that Father Robert is a bad guy. Although his ex-gay program is bad enough, the phone call and photo suggest there is a lot more to this character and his history. I want to explore that! And I want to know what’s in the folder, and how that ties in to the mystery!
I also want to know how things go for Justin.
4. Most of the details I want elaborated are best left as part of the flow of the book. Perhaps in this 1st chapter you could give us a little more sense of Father Robert’s age and physical description. Can you use his actions and conversations to reveal a little more, like you did with his eyes? I liked how you tied some of Mary Anne’s description into her actions.
One more thing—-can you add something about how he hangs up the phone? Of course it’s implied that he does it, but it may give you another angle for some more useful description.
5. I wasn’t bored by anything!
This was a great start—-I’ve rejected many books after reading the 1st chapter—sometimes just the 1st paragraph, but you’ve hooked me!