Body Wax from Hell

Sep 6, 2011 / Filed in Humor / 16 Comments

I’ve always been curious to try body waxing, but I wasn’t brave enough.

Body Wax BitchBefore I delve into this adventure, let me preface by saying that YES, I know some of you guys are jumping on the “natural hair movement.” Manscaping is going out of style and guys are once again embracing their right to have ball hair that hangs down to their ankles. If that makes you happy, I applaud you. But you’ve got your Bear Week in Provincetown where you can all run around naked and celebrate your hairiness, so shut the fuck up. I don’t want any comments from guys complaining about my interest in waxing my chest.

So as I was saying… I’ve been interested in waxing but the closest I got was a small patch of hair. It was last spring when Daniel dabbed a little bit of hot wax on my chest, ripped off maybe three hairs total, and I went running into a corner, curled up and cried. Yeah, it was awful. Body wax is Satan’s hot molten lava.

Today, I was feeling inspired and brave, so I got out the jar of Sally Hansen Express Wax. It’s white chocolate scented, for whatever that’s worth. Mmmm… It smells like I’m in a candy shop when all the delicate hairs are being ripped from my skin. How relaxing. Next time I’m at a fondue fountain, the aroma is going to trigger some deeply hidden trauma and I’ll run out of the building screaming, “It burns, it burns!!!”

That bitch on the cover acts like she’s so happy. “Hey, look how comfortable I am. I smell like white chocolate, blood, and tears, and I can’t move my arms or legs. So I’m just going to sit here and smile until I can muster up the strength to crawl into bed and die.” Yeah, it’s like that.

Despite the horrendous pain and after burn, I managed to wax most of my chest and even some of my stomach. Considering I was doing it myself, I’d say that’s pretty impressive… Especially for a guy who hardly survived having a few hairs pulled out last time he tried.

So now I can finally say that I’ve given body waxing a try. I like how it looks, but I hated the process. Ouch.

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Discussions

16 Comments

  • so funny…. lol! was it like steve carrel when he got his chest waxed? 😛

    Maurice (Sep 6, 2011)
    • Ha ha, YES! That’s exactly what it was like. 😀

      Nathan (Sep 6, 2011)
  • That is too funny, Nathan. I can only imagine. I’ve considered trimming my stomach / chest hair; but then I hear you get the itches. I’d look like I got fleas. So for now, I’ll keep myself as is! Thanks for the laugh though! 😛

    Maurice (Sep 6, 2011)
  • I prefer strips with cold wax that you rub warm with your hands. Like “www.veet.us/veet-ready-to-use-wax-strips.php”.
    I’ve never understood the meaning of hot wax in a bowl with strips on the side, seems messy.

    Sarah (Sep 6, 2011)
    • It was a TOTAL MESS! 😀 I’ll probably be too lazy to ever try it again. But now I can say I did it.

      And I don’t envy women for having to deal with it. Really, it gave me a new appreciation for what you go through.

      Nathan (Sep 9, 2011)
  • …you made me giggle. <3 Yep. You've got it down. That's what it's like.

    The white chocolate bitch especially. Thumbs up. Very realistic. I should start following your blog if you're this entertaining. <3

    Jen (Sep 7, 2011)
    • Thanks, Jen! I try. 🙂 I’m glad you found my blog.

      Nathan (Sep 9, 2011)
  • White chocolate? Maybe Daniel could nibble it off and it wouldn’t hurt so much.

    And I know how you enjoy trying new desert recipes, so you probably want to keep this product in its original box and not store it in the kitchen—-just in case you get “bake-happy” some evening after one too many Cosmos.

    Someday I might tell you MY hot-waxing stories, after ingesting a few happy pills!

    irisgirl (Sep 8, 2011)
    • Ha ha, you’ll have to tell me some of them!

      Nathan (Sep 9, 2011)
  • hahahaha… nathan scorpie!!!!… at least you are smooth now!…hehe…

    i never knew you had chest hair at all…

    have you ever tried Nair?… best when done after a shower so the roots are softened.
    dabbel it on for 5-10 mins (do not massage, just dabbel) and wipe off with a warm damp towel. moisturize afterwards with a good moisturizer such as coconut or almond oil… no pain!, AND you get a smoothie!…

    love,
    your scorpiee!!!

    Scorpiee! (Sep 10, 2011)
    • People are always surprised that I have chest hair. Apparently I don’t look like the type of person who hit puberty? ha ha!

      I’ve had bad results with Nair and will probably not try this again. But I actually kind of like my waxed chest look. And I’m proud of myself for trying it and will enjoy it while it lasts.

      Love ya, Scorp!

      Nathan (Sep 19, 2011)
  • Waxing is just wrong. Haven’t you seen the 40 year Old Virgin??

    ?

    cb (Sep 18, 2011)
    • Now that I’ve recovered, I must admit I actually like the outcome! Oh, and I’ve seen the movie, but thankfully my hair is not nearly as thick as his was. So it’s much easier by comparison.

      Nathan (Sep 19, 2011)
  • I waxed my face once. Once.

    I now nominate the laser as the single greatest invention of the last hundred years.

    Jennifer (Sep 19, 2011)
    • Jennifer, I’m sorry to say you’re the hairiest lady I know. Thank Buddha for laser surgery because keeping your mane tamed would be a full time job. 😀

      Nathan (Sep 19, 2011)
      • hahaha yep. right now I’m two treatments in on my chest, stomach, and back, and one treatment in on my face and arms, and oh what a wonderful difference it’s made already.

        Jennifer (Sep 19, 2011)

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I'm a happily married gay man, writing about my life as a new father and sharing our adventures with a side of snark.
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