You Shouldn’t Stab People in the Eye
Hey, did you hear Nathan’s new campaign tagline? “You Shouldn’t Stab People in the Eye.”
Wow, that’s catchy. There’s an idea I can support. Who would want to stab someone in the eye? It’s just wrong, I tell ya. Wrong. Let’s vote him into office because I agree with what he stands for.
Am I just stating the obvious?
Well, no, of course we shouldn’t stab people in the eye. If we did, everyone would be walking around with a patch on, like a pirate. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t deal with the stress of matching one more accessory to my outfits. It’s enough work as it is putting all this together. Plus, I know some crazy kid would start the trend of camo patches. Sigh…
So once I’m voted into office, will I end the eye stabbing epidemic that is crippling America? Probably not. People are always going to stab others in the eye, and that’s just how it goes. But eye stabbing is illegal in all 50 states, and I can brag as much as I want during my campaign speeches about how I’m going to stop eye stabbing. That doesn’t change anything, does it?
Immigration is like eye stabbing
Okay, stick with me on this. Politicians are going nuts over immigration. It’s one of the key topics in many election ads for 2010. Meanwhile our President is fighting tooth and nail to fix real problems, like unemployment and taxes. But who cares about the poor, sick, and dying? They’re probably black anyway.
The issue that really matters in America is immigration. Do you know that there are illegal immigrants scrubbing toilets to clean up the crusty, dried urine of rich, white men all over the country? They are taking over our gardening and filling up our customer service call centers! You know, basically the jobs that nobody else wants anyway.
I think we have to stop this right now! We should pass state laws to make it okay to pull over anyone we suspect may be an illegal immigrant (translation: anyone with brown skin). We should invest all of our time, attention, news, and resources into fighting the war on Mexicans! Ahem, sorry… I mean “immigration.”
So I guess this is our new distraction, huh?
Oh, how I miss the simple days when the only thing that mattered was a new photo of Britney dropping her babies on their heads. But those days are gone. It looks like the latest and greatest political distraction is illegal immigration.
I wouldn’t mind if there was actually some intelligent planning behind it. I think we can all agree that people shouldn’t live here illegally, just as I hope we’d all agree that you shouldn’t stab people in the eye. But these politicians are going on and on in their campaigns about how they’re going to put an end to it.
Yeah, right. Can you walk on water too? Look, immigration is becoming a problem because our system is very broken. Nobody wants to sit down and actually think about how to make things better. Instead, politicians just sling mud at each other and hope voters will elect them into office. But nothing is really being improved. Instead, we’re just profiling minorities and hoping it will make Americans forget about the bigger problems our country is facing.
Worst of all, this is a topic that seems to stick. Why? Because, just like eye stabbing, it’s so incredibly simple. You just make a statement, such as, “Illegal immigration is bad,” and everyone becomes your cheerleader. Of course they are going to cheer when the concept is easy to agree with.
Welcome to the next 2 years of politics. After it’s all said and done, I just hope that something about the immigration process actually gets improved.
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Haha Nathan your so funny and right!! Well with everything except the part about them doing the jobs nobody else wants… mostly true though. My dad is a general contractor with his own construction company here in Las Vegas, and it’s really easy to undercut other people on bids when you use dirt cheap “cough* illegal *cough* labor.
Politicians are getting kind of crazy about it though. I wish there was an alternative, but I am not informed enough to suggest a better option. What ideas do you have to fix it? Think us up a good answer and I’ll vote for you in our next election! ^__^ <3
Hmmm, perhaps its more like cumming in someone’s eye. It doesn’t permanently disfigure… but it BUUUUUURRRRRNNNS!