What Do I Believe In?
Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy, there’s about to be some church up in here…
Religion seems to be part of the news everyday now. It is so tightly woven into our politics that many people can’t even separate the two. And for all this talk of higher powers, we seem to be growing more and more divided by hate. There’s just so much I want to cover, but I’m going to start with my own struggles with what I believe in.
Is there a god, better yet THE GOD?
I was raised in a strict Catholic household, where shame was embedded in my subconscious at a young age. Catholics feel shame for everything. We’re always asking forgiveness and are taught to believe that we’re sinners as soon as we pop out of the womb. It’s pretty sick stuff.
For the majority of my life, I have strongly believed in God. At the most basic level, I choose to believe there must be something bigger and greater than we are as humans. And I like believing in God. Yes, I’m putting blind faith into the concept that some mysterious force exists high above the clouds. But that gives me comfort.
As long as I don’t use God to justify my opinions, my actions, or to influence the way laws are governed, I feel like that’s okay. Nobody is being harmed, right? So whether I’m right or wrong, if it makes me happy to pray to God, that’s a-okay.
Over the summer, however, I have found myself being more skeptical, analytical, and negative about the whole thing. I’ve found myself losing faith. What if we are all there is? What if nothing divine or superior exists above us?
It was troubling at first. In fact, even entertaining the notion gave me the shakes. But I finally found myself brave enough to explore it, and now I think I’m actually coming back around. I do believe again. I’m finding peace in my beliefs too. They’re mine. All mine. They weren’t forced upon me by family, society, or friends. I came to my own conclusion, once again that I choose to believe in God.
So what about this dead Jew hanging from two pieces of wood?
Okay, I’ll be honest… Jesus disturbs me. How did the imagery of a dead body become an acceptable image in our society? It’s very scary if you think about it. Kids are exposed to this? Whew.
God is a concept that can be embraced by many different cultures and religions. Everyone can decide their way of worshipping God and exactly how they want to integrate God into their lives. But Jesus? How did Jesus become so important? How did we decide that Jesus was the chosen symbol of Christianity (even though Jesus was Jewish) and now he’s the ultimate human representation of God? I’m going to need a moment to take all this in…
My partner Daniel identifies as Christian and does believe in both Jesus and God. I’ve (very delicately) discussed this with him. I had questions, and I was honest about it. I asked him who exactly we were praying to, and why were they interchangeable? People always jump from God to Jesus, but aren’t they separate?
I haven’t resolved how I feel about Jesus. I don’t know if I ever will. Earlier this year, I taught classes to the children at a GLBT-based church. I thought this church would strengthen my beliefs and inspire me. But most of the time, I just found myself laughing hysterically inside as I tried to read The Bible to little kids. Was I really supposed to explain Noah’s Ark to a bunch of impressionable youngsters?
Adults there would be so passionate about their faith. They’d say, “I was once a coke-snorting, crackhead prostitute that liked receiving double anal while I gave head to homeless men. But Jesus saved me!”
Wow. Okay. That’s great, I guess.
But in all seriousness, I don’t know about my beliefs in Jesus, or how they impact my beliefs in God. I’ll continue to think about it and explore it.
What have I learned from all this?
It’s scary to question things. I’d feel much more safe and secure if I just wrapped myself in the stories that I’ve been told since I was a child. But I feel compelled to dig deeper and figure this all out on my own. It will boil down to my personal interpretation of it. We can’t ever claim any part of religion as fact. That’s where faith comes in. Faith is the act of believing in the unknown.
I do want some kind of spiritual enlightenment in my life. What it is and where my source comes from is a mystery I hope to solve.
What do you believe in?
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It was fun growing up polytheistic Hindu (though we rarely went to temple or did anything at home) and go to a fundie Christian school. For a while, Jesus and his dad were just ‘two more gods’ in my personal vast pantheon. Lost interest by my teens, though… If God (or gods) made the universe, who made God anyway? Religious texts do have some good wisdom in places though, so they’re worth a read in my opinion. Some people read them too literally, better to look for metaphors.
I think I’ve given up on this topic…..even if I figured it out and I’m not certain any of us could wrap our heads around it….Joe