Two Daddies
It was clear from the start that family was very important to us.
When Daniel and I met, one of the first things we bonded about was the need to be fathers. I had a very specific goal that I’d decided on and I was committed to it. When Daniel came into the picture, it was crucial that he be on board with it.
Within the next year, I intend to get started in a foster program. I’ve researched and explored it, and personally feel it’s a good fit for me. I’m aware that there are many challenges in working with foster children, but I believe I’m built for it. Specifically, I thought I would be good with young adolescents.
Daniel supports this and knows that in order for us to have a future, it would mean he would be involved in the foster parenting too. I don’t think there has ever been any hesitation about that on his part.
A little inspiration from CNN
Last night, we watched a report from the “In America” series called “Gary and Tony Have a Baby.” It was a great program and I highly recommend catching the reruns of it this weekend if you didn’t see it! Basically it covered the journey for two gay men who wanted to have a baby.
By the end of the program, Daniel was crying. I held him in my arms and told him how much I look forward to us being fathers together. A smile came across his beautiful face. I love the way he looks at me, especially in private moments that we share like this one. It makes us both happy to know we really want the same things out of life.
The deeper discussion
I knew the show we’d watched on CNN would create a conversation later. I predicted it would happen before bed and would probably involve my plans to start with a teenager rather than raising a newborn baby, as they had in the show.
Sure enough, before bed, we did talk. Daniel questioned why I didn’t want to adopt a younger child and explained that he thought it would be better. I got mildly defensive because I felt the things I wanted were being compromised. I’d already planned it all out in my head and here someone else was coming and trying to suggest something else.
Funny how we get so protective of our own ideas, isn’t it? I finally caught myself and took a breath, then asked, “What is your ideal scenario for having children?”
This was important and here’s why… All along, I’d been talking about my plans, my wants, my needs. I’d never once stopped to ask Daniel what he wanted out of this. Further, it was important for me to let my guard down a little and consider his feelings too.
Daniel’s version of a family
Once I opened the door, Daniel began to explain why he wanted a baby. He said that if we raised a teenager together, we’d missed out on an important bonding experience for us. He felt we’d bypass all the stages of growing together as a family and working with a child to instill our own values. He also thought it was an experience that would strengthen us as a couple, and was sad at the thought of losing that opportunity.
I had never thought of it that way. I guess I had been looking at things from a technical standpoint, and he was coming from a more emotional view. But I loved it. It softened me up and I began to like the concept of growing together as a family.
I jumped from being defensive to being loving. I pulled Daniel into my arms and he put his head against my chest. I kissed him and told him that I would keep an open mind to different age ranges. At this particular moment, I felt we were even closer than we’d ever been before.
But there’s one catch…
I told Daniel that I’d still like to explore foster parenting next year, even if it were just short term. We don’t necessarily have to adopt one of the foster children and we can explore other avenues together in the long run. We can also look into adopting a newborn or infant. But with all of that said, I do still want to have the experience of foster parenting with an older kid. He agreed that my request was reasonable, and said he would be onboard with it.
Overall, I think we’re working together to plan outcomes that are satisfactory and fulfilling for both of us. I’ve found that he and I always seem to find a plan that makes us both happy.
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Keep the discussion going! I noticed your sentence: I’d already planned it all out in my head and here someone else was coming and trying to suggest something else.”….and want to encourage you both to say YES to all sorts of possibilities……rather than NO. Don’t limit yourselves. And, yes, every single person in the world will have a differing opinion….that’s life!
Wow, you must let us know how it goes – I’m totally looking forward to being a father some day too. Thanks for the documentary link.
Open and honest communication is s important, especially when it comes to lifelong decisions like this. Too many people never talk about parenthood before jumping into it, and the results are often devastating, especially for the kids. I get where both of you are coming from. It’s great to bond with a newborn, but its also wonderful to give love to an older child who desperately needs it. I hope as you keep talking you find the right answer for both of you and your whole future family.
Keep the discussion going! I noticed your sentence: I’d already planned it all out in my head and here someone else was coming and trying to suggest something else.”….and want to encourage you both to say YES to all sorts of possibilities……rather than NO. Don’t limit yourselves. And, yes, every single person in the world will have a differing opinion….that’s life!
+1
This is a conversation also going on in my household. I hope you’ll keep us updated with how this progresses on your blog.
Thanks all
I’ll post updates