Two Bowls and a Mat
I love my two cats.
They have outlasted every man and every relationship I’ve had in the last 10 years. And yes, I know they’re just animals, but they’re my little girls. I can always count on them to be there for me unconditionally.
My cats require a bit of work. They hiss at strangers, throw up hairballs on the carpet, and occasionally have “accidents.” They also get very clingy when I’m gone too much. If you don’t like clinginess, you probably wouldn’t like them.
With all that said, most of the men I’ve dated in the past haven’t been very loving towards them. This has always upset me because I naturally want someone who accepts them.
Daniel, the man I’m with now, the one I consider to be the love of my life, has a refreshingly different approach to my girls. He understands that they are shy at first and he’s been patient with them. He accepts them and believes with great optimism that someday they will warm up to him.
So yesterday, Daniel came home with two bowls and a mat with little hearts cut out of the sides. He set them out in a corner of the kitchen, looking quite proud of the mini-dining area he’d created for my girls. Then he said with a smile, “Now you have a place for the girls to eat when they come over.”
This tiny gesture means more than I can even express in words. Yeah, it’s just a bowl and a piece of fabric. I know that. But it symbolizes true acceptance. It’s his way of saying he wants to accomodate my babies if I bring them over to his house. He wants them to be part of our time together. That means so much to me.
Anyone can say they love you. That’s easy. But it’s the actions that really prove it. The small acts of kindness show the depth of it. Daniel constantly amazes me with his thoughtfulness and attention to detail. I’m so happy to have him.
Living the Snooty Life, Dahlings
I’m so high above you that you look like a little ant, muhahaha!
For a very brief period, I associated with a group of wealthy 40-50-somethings in an upscale section of Nashville. It was fun for awhile, but then I found the conversation to be insufferable. They really and truly acted like something snobby out of a fictional television show.
“Dahling, did you hear about this fabulous new spa that just opened? They use dead baby seals for facials.”
“No, Mitzi, I didn’t. But have you heard about the homeless people on 5th Avenue? I attached one to a broom the other day and the oil from his hair made a fabulous conditioner for my hardwoods.”
They both cackled wildly as they dabbed the caviar off the sides of their lips.
Okay, that didn’t really happen, but you get the point. Rich, snobby, dead inside. Moving on…
The thing that really got me was their references to the high rise building they all lived in. Teeny tiny apartments condos that sold for ridiculous amounts of money. Everyone lived in a shoebox with a breathtaking view of the Nashville skyline. They even had a 10×10 “balcony” to step out on and enjoy.
Let’s say the building was called The Veranda (it wasn’t, but we’ll pretend it was). All I heard about was The Veranda. One guy actually posted a Facebook status saying, “I need to get away from The Veranda this weekend.”
What the fuck, dude?! It’s a building in Nashville. You live in a building. A stupid, overpriced building. And there is no sign on the outside! No fucking sign. I had such a hard time finding it because it’s sandwiched between other buildings and there is just one very discreet entrance to the parking garage.
So one night, I arrived, feeling very flustered at the 20 minutes I’d spent circling the block, trying to find it. I asked one of the women, “How do I know when I’m here without a sign on the building?”
Her response was simple. “Because, dahling, it’s The Veranda. You don’t need a sign, you just know when you’ve arrived.”
Whatever, bitch. I was so over that whole scene. If that’s what it means to be wealthy, I’d rather stick to being modest and happy. 
Questions About Anal Douche
Let’s talk about cleaning your pooper shooter.
There is this anal douche with a glow-in-the-dark tip. That sounds kind of fun and cool at first. Oh, wee! It’s glows! But then if you stop and think about it… Well, it’s kind of confusing.
I’m assuming you douche in the bathroom, preferably while sitting on the toilet. Would anyone out there care to confirm or deny this?
Okay, so if you’re dealing with that level of messiness, I’m assuming you’d want as much lighting as possible to make sure there is no splashage. Am I wrong?
Sooo… In what situation would you be relying on the subtle green light of a douche tip to guide the way to your chocolate starfish? It sounds scary and messy, and sends a germophobe like me into seizures.
I’ve been polling friends and having intellectual brainstorming sessions in hopes of discovering a scientific (or even theoretic) reason for such a feature. Nobody has the answer.
Perhaps I should contact the manufacturer directly and schedule an in-depth phone interview to find out exactly why the tip glows. Don’t even think about stealing my idea. It will be a Nathan Exposed Exclusive. It’s already copyrighted. Boo-yah!
Brown Sugar, Baby
So picture it… Daniel and I were at the local HIV clinic getting tested. It’s a ritual I do anytime I’m in a committed relationship. (And I know all of you are getting tested regularly too, right? Right?) We had finished up with our results and were walking through the lobby to leave.
A black woman who worked there walked by me, stopped right in her tracks, and looked at me.
“Well hello, cutie pie!” she exclaimed, nudging the employee next to her to look at me too. “You are just the cutest little thing, look at you. Honey, you can caaall me, anytime! Mmm-hmmm.”
I blushed in disbelief and we stumbled out of there laughing at her very public flirting.
It made my day. I’m afraid she got into trouble after we left, but I hope she didn’t. I have a sense of humor and I thought it was funny.
That spicy lady wanted some Nathan Exposed, ha ha!
Inside Jason Derulo’s Head
Honeys, this song is a mess. We just have to talk about it…
Most of you have probably heard the Jason Derulo song “In My Head.” It’s very popular right now, and even I will admit that I like the beat. But I have so many issues with the lyrics.
Can we start with the opening laundry list of artists, record labels, and producers?
First line: “Jason Derulo”
Second line: “Beluga Heights”
Third line: “J-J-J-J-R”
I keep waiting for them to say “Betty Crocker” or “SC Johnson, a family company” because it sounds like we’re just throwing out all kinds of shout-outs. Um, I’d like to thank God, my Mom, and the Academy…
This inspired me to do some research, because honestly, I don’t know who or what the fuck these things mean. Well, Jason Derulo is the singer. I know that much. Beluga Heights is a record label. I thought it was some dumbass ritzy neighborhood he grew up in. I live in a subdivision called Evergreen Farms. Maybe I should just go around saying “Evergreen Farms, bitches!” You know we’re hardcore over here in the Farms.
J. R. Rotem is the producer, and apparently he’s this powerhouse white guy who has produced dozens of R&B and rap hits. I didn’t even know who he was, but his songs have dominated the Billboard charts for the past couple of years. Oh, and his Facebook page actually says “Beluga Heights” in posts. He’ll just post a sentence, and then end with “Beluga Heights.” Like I said, I’m from the Farms. Maybe I should start a cat fight between Evergreen Farms and Beluga Heights. What do ya think?
This is just the opening of the song. We haven’t even delved into the storyline…
In the song, Jason sees this woman at the club, where he claims “everybody’s looking for love.” I couldn’t disagree with you more, Mr. Derulo. Most people at clubs are not looking for love. So then I guess this lady is dancing with a guy, and Jason cuts in to say “You ain’t gonna find it dancing with him.”
Um, rude. Excuse me, weird stalky dude. You don’t know her. Don’t be cutting in and saying stuff like that to strangers.
He proceeds to talk about how he’s going to show her a side of love she’s never known and “show her the ropes.” Apparently he thinks this woman is so stupid that she doesn’t know anything about relationships. Women love to be treated like idiots. Hottt!
Again, who is this crazy Jason dude? How did he gather so many assumptions from a woman dancing with another man?
But my favorite line… and OH MY GOD, this gets me every time… is when he says:
“Get down to business and skip foreplay”
Oh, hell no. I appreciate that you’re such an eager beaver and everything, but you can’t be skipping the foreplay. Don’t you know anything about women???
The icing on the cake for me is Jason’s previous single, “Whatcha Say,” which was about him cheating. This guy just doesn’t build a good case for himself. He has affairs, he randomly goes up to strangers at clubs and tries to pull them away from their men, and he doesn’t like foreplay. Yeah, um, not a winner in my book.
So that’s my two cents from N-N-N-N-E.
Evergreen Farms foreva, beotch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyG1FG3H6rY
Freshly Squeezed Cum
Having a roommate has really worked out well these past few months. I was apprehensive about it at first, as I’ve never had one and have heard my share of horror stories. But he and I get along very well.
A few days ago, I opened up the refrigerator to find a plastic bag labeled “Cum”. Yep, doesn’t get more plain than that. I immediately started laughing and snapped a pic with my phone.
It seems he and his boyfriend were making something in the kitchen, and decided to leave the left-overs in the fridge. Waste not, want not, I suppose.
Drink up!
How I Met the Love of My Life
- You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like a bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh you make me smile
— Uncle Kracker, “Smile”
Well, chickies, this is where one journey ends and a new one begins. It’s time for me to get back to the fun Nathan… the Nathan who posted crazy, outlandish posts, filled with good humor and an occasional glimpse at my sweeter side.
I’ve spent the past 12 months searching for love. I found it in many places and ways. But what it really came down to was finding real, everlasting love. I feel like I’ve found it. I really hope I have. Some people search their whole life for it.
My hero’s name is Daniel. That’s his real name. I feel no need to hide him behind any false screen names. He’s real and therefore I want the story of him to be real too.
I first saw Daniel on Facebook last fall and was immediately attracted to him. But that was the extent of it. We never connected until this past February, where I saw him at a party. That’s when we were first officially introduced.
At the time, I was going through all that dark, heavy stuff. Depression, another break-up, losing my house, going to counseling. Not a pretty place.
But we noticed each other, we liked each other and were attracted. It was only after I’d worked through all my stuff that I could truly be open and available for a new relationship. And I got there. I’m there now. It’s a really good place to be.
Now that my head is truly clear, my heart is truly open, it’s all coming together for me. There have been a few times in the past when I thought that was the case, but it led to a dead-end. I’m feeling so confident that this time is different.
I love Daniel in ways I never knew you could love someone. This is my happy ending.
Now I hope I can get back to my upbeat posts!
Oh, So This Is Love?
Sooo it’s not supposed to be a one way street where I give and give, but receive little or less in return?
Wow, what a concept.
I’ve found someone who gives as much as he takes, who believes in fairness and kindness. Someone who loves me for who I am, as I am. Someone who doesn’t mind all my hang-ups and quirks, who is endlessly fascinated by me, and someone who actually respects me. And I love him for it. I’ve always had a lot of love to give, but this one is actually worth giving my heart to.
The feeling of reciprocal love is amazing. One of the themes I worked on in my counseling sessions was not being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It seems like a no-brainer, but we do tend to zero in on a certain type of person and ultimately repeat our mistakes over and over.
I’ve broken the cycle and found happiness. Yay!
