Transformation
Pardon me for a moment while I explore the intricacies of my own astrological sign, Scorpio.
Books always say that I’m a sign of transformation. It’s true that during many points in my life, I’ve abruptly and without warning changed my entire lifestyle. Many people find that to be a hard pill to swallow, as change usually requires gradual transition. But for me, I’ve found myself capable of completely jumping into a new routine, as if a switch were turned on.
When the new year began, I changed. It was completely intentional. All of the things that caused me trouble in my life were gone in an instant.
I spent Dec. 31 volunteering at church to feed the homeless. Every Thursday night, a group comes in for a hot meal and a place to sleep. It was humbling to witness what life is like for them. Sure, it makes us all feel better to do these kind deeds, but this isn’t about earning a pat on the back. This is real life. This is the world we live in. It can be scary and cold, and isolating.
Often times, I feel isolated myself. Trapped in the pain and suffering of my head. I have felt so lonely at times. I have felt empty and useless, as if nothing mattered.
But it does matter. It all matters. It all counts for something, and I’ve had to step outside of myself, my own selfishness, and understand that there are bigger things in this world.
I still lack direction. I still don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I felt the healthiest thing to do was immerse myself in helping others first. This is how I’ve transformed myself, starting with baby steps.
Another effort I’ve taken on is teaching a Sunday school class for children at this same church, which is a gay-friendly church. (The pastor is a lesbian.) Religion is a deeply complex issue that I am still working out. I don’t suppose we ever truly have it figured out. But nonetheless, I enjoy spending time with the children. They are little rays of sunshine with bright eyes and big dreams about the world. Thankfully, this type of religion focuses on embracing our diversity, not spreading hate and judgment, as so many do.
This is my transformation so far. I’ve had to completely break myself down and throw away all the pieces to build a new me. The old me just wasn’t working out.
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The old you. I like that. I have no doubt that you matter what you put your creative and energizing hand to, it will be blessed with great things. Create on!
This is particularly heart warming. Keep up the wonderful work, Nathan.
I hope your changes make for a great 2010! I’m sure no matter where your path takes you it will be filled with happiness, sadness, joy, fun, heartache, love, friends, families, relationships found, relationships lost, celebrations, and faith and hope. Lots of faith and hope. Faith in yourself and in your beliefs and lots of hope for a brave new year and exciting new decade. **** hugs ****
Just be sure not to throw away the good pieces of Nathan. Like the one that makes me laugh and feel better when the pain is almost unbearable. And the one that hangs on the phone with me, for long, silly conversations about make-up tips, kitty cat antics, foreskin, and shopping adventures!
Lewis – Thank you so much. Lord knows you’ve been through your share of ups and downs too. I appreciate the fact that you always support mine.
Eddy – I promise to try. Thanks for always hanging in there with me.
Dan – No doubt! I think I’m off to a great start. I hope yours goes better too. Big hugs!
Irisgirl – The pieces are still there..the good ones, and I think even just in our daily conversations, you’ve noticed a huge difference in how I deal with negativity and stress.
But I like the original you. Sigh, I guess I’ll just have to learn to like the new you as well. XO