Am I Poison?
- I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison running through my veins
You’re poison, I don’t want to break these chains
- Alice Cooper, “Poison”
I was eating dinner with a friend when he told me that I’m poison to be in love with. I looked deeply into his eyes, trying to figure out if there was going to be a punchline. His expression remained unchanged and I realized he wasn’t kidding.
“What are you talking about?” I asked him curiously.
“You’re like that Alice Cooper song. You draw men in, but then they can’t let go. They know they’re getting in too deep, but they just want more of you,” he explained.
I blushed a bit, trying to write off his heavy analysis of me. “You don’t seriously believe I have that much power, do you? I’m a kitten,” I said with a wink.
“More like a lion,” he said. “I don’t know what it is you do when you’re alone with them, but they never want to let go.”
By that point, I was very uncomfortable, so I changed the subject to get the focus off me.
Fast forward to the next night. I had been seeing a guy for a few weeks and I felt fairly certain that we weren’t going to have a long term future together. I liked him and I had fun when we were together. But he and I both agreed we wanted different things. So we mutually agreed to cool things off. Well, I thought we’d agreed.
Tonight, I received this very melancholy text message from him. In the message, he told me:
- “As I lay here alone in bed, I wish you were here holding me. I wish it didn’t have to be all or nothing with you. I wish you could be here because you see something between us, something that’s worth building on.
“His words broke my heart a little. The thought of someone alone in bed, wishing I were there with him. I contemplated many replies. I even considered going over to hold him in my arms.
But I don’t understand it. How do I have such a strong influence over someone I just recently started dating?
Whatever it is… this poison… I wish I could bottle it and sell it as a love potion. There’s clearly something magical about my affection.
The Ex of the Ex
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS PHOTO!
I saw this photo of myself online today. It was taken on Saturday at the AIDS Walk.
Let me set this up for you. Remember Nathan, the abusive douche I broke up with recently? Okay, this guy on the left dated Nathan right before I did. So he is my ex’s ex.
At this exact moment, our eyes met and we both thought “Hey, don’t I know you?”
A priceless moment caught on camera. On a sidenote, look at my nipple pornage.
The Tarot Reading
Tonight I had a tarot reading done on my love life. I don’t remember all the cards and the proper words, so I apologize if I get a lot of the terminology mixed up. I’ve written out the overall points in a way I understand how to describe them.
Every segment was accurate in relation to my current life. Read below to see what I learned…
The Woman Who Oversees
Above all elements in my life, there was a woman who was tightly wrapped up in my thoughts. She was a weathered person who carried the weight of the world with her. She’s involved in almost all of my decisions relating to men. This was dead-on. I haven’t mentioned her much in my blog, only because I keep our conversations so private, but there is someone that I share just about every secret with on a daily basis.
My True Self
The cards showed me as someone who always leaves my relationships with men. Regardless of whose fault it is, or what the circumstance, I am one that ultimately disappears every time.
The Big Picture
There are multiple men in love with me, all of them very intensely, and all of them are going to be hurt. There is chaos and disorder. The cards showed me having good intentions with sensitivity to their feelings, but also showed the entire thing getting wildly out of hand.
The Outcome
After the walls come crashing down with the men who are pursuing me/will pursue me, there will be a period of sadness when I realize I can no longer go on as my current self. It isn’t supposed to be too dramatic or too painful, but it will be uncomfortable and it will require a new period of growth to come before the chaos passes.
The Devil
This is one card I remembered by name. In the context of this spread, The Devil card showed me as an extremely charismatic person that other men fall in love with easily. It also showed me to be an object of obsession that men cling to and have trouble letting go of. This statement gave me goosebumps because I’ve said this over and over in the past. Men have always become obsessed with me in relationships. I don’t understand it.
A Peaceful Future
After all the storms pass, the spread showed me finding true love and happiness. It is in my future, but not without a very serious overhaul of my entire life.
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
I wasn’t surprised to hear any of this, but I was frustrated with the whole part about being an object of obsession and all these men falling in love with me. What do I do about it? How do I stop it from happening? I see the pattern over and over. Even when I try to have casual relationships, it isn’t long before my partner attaches himself to me.
I was reminded that “with great power comes great responsibility.” He told me that I had to understand I have a very strong influence on men I meet, and I needed to be careful about getting involved with them. He also said it would make me a very good lover, but I had to be cautious about who I shared my time with because it wouldn’t be long before they fell in love.
Whew, it’s a lot to absorb, but useful, nonetheless.
Snot Makes Me Feel Gorgeous, Dahling
Every year, I preach it. Zinc tablets and echinacea will keep you from getting a cold.
The problem is… well… you have to actually take them! I seem to have gotten too cocky about my good health and neglected to take them myself. As a result, I have a fierce cold! Oh, and nobody wants to come and take care of me. They don’t want to get sick. I swear, the nerve of people. 
Tonight is the end of this cold. I’ve been quarantined in my house all week. I expect a 100% recovery on Friday so that I can have a wild and wonderful weekend. That’s just all there is to it.
In other news, I’ve signed up to do the Nashville AIDS Walk on Saturday. It’s something I intend to do every year, but I always end up being lazy and not going. Lame, I know. There’s just no excuse for it.
So I’ve started a donations page, and people have already contributed money, so now I have to go! I can’t let people down after they’ve spent their cash on me, right?
If you’d like to contribute, please click here to make a secure online donation. I’ll take anything, even a dollar.
To show my gratitude, I’m offering a free handjob to anyone who donates. Yep, you read that correctly! Make a donation to the AIDS Walk for me and you’ll get a handjob.*
(*Some restrictions may apply. See in store rules for full details. Void where prohibited.)
Embrace Your Labia
The word of the day was labia, but I couldn’t get any of my friends on board with that. They must be gay or something…
It all started at 9AM when a lesbian friend texted me to inform me that she cut her labia while shaving it. Ouch.
(I don’t know why I pointed out that she’s a lesbian. I suppose straight women have labias too, right? I’m not sure about these things…)
Throughout the day, I checked in on her to see how her vag was feeling. She proceeded to tell me that she had to put a Snoopy bandage on it. Hilarious!
Somewhere around 3PM, I started my typical text messaging orgy. It’s becoming a daily ritual that breaks up the monotony. I think of something dirty and start discussing it at random with friends. Well, nobody was on board with the labia today. Nobody except my lesbian friend, of course.
Chris was kind enough to point out that I couldn’t even locate the labia. Well, that’s probably true. I looked up a photo and was mortified. Is that what women have between their legs? It reminds me of that talking plant in Little Shop of Horrors.
In any case, I say embrace your labia! Celebrate your thighs! Peace on earth and good will… Oh, neverfuckingmind.
Tomorrow’s word is masticate. Look it up.
Lift Your Leg and Say “Hey, Gurl!”
Let me set this up for you. Petey is the miniature schnauzer that I had with my ex, Rodney. After the break-up, Rodney and I both agreed that Petey would go live with him.
Petey never hiked his leg when he went to pee. I don’t know if it’s a learned behavior or not. He was never around other dogs and we didn’t have any trees. I don’t know if that matters. Anyway, he just squatted in the yard to pee. He’s 4 years old.
But…
A few days ago, Rodney called to tell me Petey lifted his leg to pee on a tree. He walked right up to it, gave it a good squirt, and was done. He hasn’t done it again.
I would just like to know the insight into this. Did Petey plot the whole scene in his head? Did he practice the big event days in advance? I can just see him thinking about it at night. The right angle, the right presentation, it was all mapped out so he would pee like a pro.
And how did he feel after he did it? Was he proud, triumphant, embarrassed? Clearly he didn’t like it since he hasn’t done it since.
I really wish I had been there to see Petey’s first pee on a tree. He’s always been such a homo. I can just imagine him lifting one leg and saying, “Hey, Gurl! Look at my thighs, I’ve been working out.”
Holla.
What Fall TV Shows Are You Watching?
The fall TV line-up is beginning. I’m looking forward to my returning favorites, including Two and a Half Men, Desperate Housewives, 30 Rock and Private Practice. I lost track of The Office and Ugly Betty, but I want to get started again.
I’ll always love The Simpsons and Family Guy, so those are a given. I’ll also start watching The Cleveland Show by default. Unfortunately I don’t know much about new shows that are starting, so I’ll have to see what people are watching with those.
What are you going to be watching? New shows, returning shows?
Random Facts About Me
I got this from The Covert Homo
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Thankfully, no.
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Part of the time.
3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?
Too long. If we ever get some decent snow here in TN, I should do that.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Someone else.
5. Do you believe in ghosts?
I’m pretty open minded about supernatural things, but I don’t have any strong opinions on ghosts. I know that we’re all made of energy, and I do believe that we can leave our energy behind after we die. So I believe in something.
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Very.
Choices
Everything we do, large or small, is a choice with direct consequences. I was thinking about that this afternoon and how profound it really is.
I feel like nobody knows me and it’s my own fault. It’s a choice I’ve made. I’ve withheld too much from too many people and refused to share myself. I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to protect or why.
The consequence to that is that people misunderstand me on every level. I come off the wrong way and not the way I wish to be perceived. It’s so very rare that anyone truly “gets” me.
I’m not sure where to go or what to do. I’m not sad. I’m not lonely. I’m just very, very lost in life. I don’t have any direction, any 1 year plan, 5 year plan, or anything like that.
A new choice needs to be made, but I’m not sure what my course of action should be yet. I need a complete and total life make-over.
Again, I’m not sad. I’m just stuck.
Boys and Drag Queens Make Me Happy
This week was easier than I thought it would be.
After the drama that went down with Nathan last Tuesday (see post Battered and Bruised), I expected to be sad, lonely and depressed. But I’m actually doing really well.
On Friday night, I decided to go to a gay bar for the drag show… alone. The thought of me going out alone made a couple of friends nervous and one even tried to talk me out of it. But I knew it was the best thing for me.
Drag queens make me happy. I love them and they always bring a smile to my face. So I got there at 11, just as the show was starting. For a full hour, I was entertained, lighthearted and happy. I always have a good time at the drag show.
It ended at Midnight and everyone scattered out between the bar and the club. Eyes followed me across the room as I contemplated my options.. Some people would check me out and be interested, others didn’t like me and kept looking. There’s a lot of judging going on, both positive and negative.
The attention became overwhelming, so I went outside and started walking to my car. But before I did, I opened up Grindr, an app on my iPhone. Grindr uses GPS to connect you with other gay guys nearby.
The screen was suddenly alive with men who were within feet of me at the club. I got a renewed sense of adventure and decided to go back inside. As I did, my screen started getting filled with instant messages from other guys wanting to meet up.
I had to grab a chair right inside the door to sit down and process it all. Most of them were very general in their conversation, but one guy asked if I wanted to meet.
A few minutes later, the friendly stranger turned the corner to me and extended his hand, flashing me a smile full of pearly whites. We sat on the couch and talked.
I’m so glad I decided to venture out on my own that evening. It was just what I needed to end a very crazy week. Now the weekend is over and I feel just fine.
