Compulsive People Sniffer
I’m a compulsive people sniffer.
There, I admitted it. The truth is out now. I’ll smell ya, I will. Don’t stand too close to me.
Actually I was reading a post on Eddy’s blog and it reminded me of an incident. Eddy just loathes the straight boys. Can’t stand them. I personally enjoy them. Some of my best friends are straight. I don’t understand their lifestyle choices, but I accept them. 
The story goes that a few years ago, Eddy had been telling me all about how straight guys stink and have bad hygiene. So to test his theory, I had walked up to a guy at the office I was working in and smelled him. I don’t mean a light sniff, I’m talking about a full inhale of his straightiness. (Straightiness is my new word; I just copyrighted it. Don’t touch it or I’ll sue.)
He smelled fine to me. So that’s my experience with sniffing the straighties.
Now back to the main point— I like to smell people. You can learn a lot that way. If they wear cologne, you can get an idea of their personality. Is it a light, airy scent? Is it heavy and overwhelmingly strong? The fragrances a person uses reflects a deeper part of who they are.
I can also tell about your diet. Food affects how you smell, and though I’m not a trained expert, I can sometimes guess if a person eats healthy things or not.
I’m also in tune with a person’s unique smell. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it’s just something specific to each person.
I don’t really know what I get out of smelling people. It’s not a fetish, but it is a habit. Animals smell each other all the time. It’s how they become familiar with each other. I think more humans should sniff each other too.
Sniff, sniff.
The Agony of Defeat
- Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I’ll pretend I’m okay with it all
Act like there’s nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Kelly Clarkson, “Cry”
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 – I was boiling over with rage as I stood over Rodney while he slept. My mind raced with all the words he’d said. All the lies and twisted tales.
He wasn’t sorry for what he’d done. He was only sorry that he’d been caught. Even after all the apologizing and begging for another chance, he’d still withheld the truth about his secret life. I don’t think he even cared about me anymore. I think he was just afraid of being without me.
I paused for a moment when I saw him sleeping. So still, so softly, like an angel with broken wings. Oh, how hard it was to be angry at the man I loved. This was really the end. I wasn’t even sure if I was brave enough to let go. I knew I had to. He had his second chance and he blew it. There was nothing left.
“Rodney, get up!” I yelled at him, piercing the silence with a roar. He jumped, startled and confused by the nightmare he woke up to.
“What is it?” he asked with slurring words.
I tore the sheets off him, leaving him helpless and vulnerable under my cold stare. “Get the fuck out of the bed! I want you in the office right now!”
I walked swiftly out of the room and into the office, sitting down at his computer. I expected him to be right behind me, but he wasn’t. I was impatient.
“Hey, where are you? I told you to get your ass in here NOW!” I screamed into the hallway.
Rodney stumbled into the room, his vision blinded by the bright lights. He seemed to know exactly what was happening. He didn’t ask any questions. He already knew what I’d found. There was no point in fighting back now. He was a mere fly tangled in my spider’s web and there was no way to escape my interrogation.
“You told me there were 7 men, but there’s more. Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” I demanded.
He sat quietly. No expression, no words. It wasn’t a stubborn silence. It was defeat. He was trapped and he knew it. He didn’t even bother to put up a struggle.
But I wasn’t giving in so easily. I slammed my hands down on the table. “Answer me! Tell me! I want to know all of it. I want to know how many men you’ve been involved with over the years. I want to know every dirty detail. Who is the man that I have been married to?”
He stuttered as he tried to explain, but nothing of any value came out. I tried for a full hour, but got very little satisfaction. It was after 4AM.
I finally exhausted myself. I felt empty inside as I realized that the whole relationship was a sham. I didn’t know Rodney at all. I didn’t know the first thing about him. All these years, sharing my life with a stranger. It was too much for my tired heart to comprehend. And my tired heart was truly broken.
“You know it’s really over now, don’t you?” I asked him. I expected a teary eyed protest like before. But it did not come. Rodney didn’t care anymore. He was done with me and I was done with him. We were finished.
That’s how my relationship with Rodney finally ended. Even today, I feel unsettled because I don’t believe I knew him. But even more sadly, I don’t believe he knows himself. That is the true tragedy.
I don’t know why people do what they do. All I know is that I gave it my best.
All the Skeletons Come Tumbling Out
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 – The past few days had been very routine. I was trying to staying focused on my work and not think too much about things with Rodney. I had agreed to give things another chance, but I was keeping myself very distant.
He did his best to play this role of modest house husband. He fixed me meals, waited on me hand and foot. I don’t suppose it made any difference though. I was very bitter and angry about everything. But I guess we had to do something to fill the emptiness, so I accepted his efforts to win back my affection.
It was 3 o’ clock in the morning on Wednesday. Rodney was in bed and I was doing some work with the online store we owned. There was a missing receipt in a customer order and I couldn’t find it anywhere in my folders or e-mail.
I walked over to Rodney’s computer and turned it on. Maybe the receipt was on his desktop or in his e-mail.
We were pretty open about access to each other’s computers. We didn’t have any rules or boundaries about it. I guess that’s the funny thing about it. All along, I could have been accessing his computer and finding out all the dirt on him.
I went into his e-mail to check for the receipt. Hmmm… that was odd. The password didn’t work. But it had always worked before. Why did he change his password? What was he hiding from me?
This wasn’t good. Rodney had sworn there would be no more secrets, lies, or sneaking around. We were off to a bad start if he’d locked me out of his e-mail.
Then I went to his web browser and checked the history. Facebook, MySpace, news, blah, blah, blah. Whoops, what’s this? Visits to Xtube? Hmm, well, we didn’t have any rules about porn. But still, it seemed kind of odd for Rodney to be checking out porn when we were in the middle of rebuilding our relationship.
A lightbulb came on when I noticed the chat programs on his computer. I clicked on them to see what was there. Yes, by this point, I was in full snoop mode.
When I opened the programs, I unleashed a jackpot of secrets. Dozens of men on his friend lists. There was no grey area about their screen names. These were men hunting for sex.
I opened up the chat history logs and discovered months worth of conversations. The one he had on March 3, our 8 year anniversary, was particularly hurtful. How could he be talking to another man on the same day we were supposed to be celebrating our commitment to each other?
My stomach churned as I read about Rodney’s flings with these strangers. The things he said, some of them so intimate. He really had relationships with these men. He told them all kinds of personal info about himself, his life, and he even told them about me.
One of them was online and sent me an invite to view his webcam. I agreed, only to find his pants down and his dick hard. He started jacking off into the camera, and I quickly closed it, unable to watch.
But then I started doing the math… Rodney said he’d cheated on me with 7 men… but wait… 1, 2, 3, 4… there were at least 20 men here. I wondered just how involved he’d been with them, and what else had happened? What had Rodney been doing with people offline for all these years?
I was angry, so blinded by my jealousy. My whole body went cold and I was shaking. I get clammy when I’m mad. But mad doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt.
It was time for someone to get a rude wake up call. I stormed into the dark bedroom where Rodney was sleeping.
Timelines
I know my blog can be very confusing, especially if you’re new to it or just a casual reader. Things are typically written in order that they happened, however lately, I’ve taken a step back to the past to fill in the gaps of a story.
Let me give the summarized version:
I had a partner named Rodney from 2001-2009. There are dozens, maybe hundreds of posts that reference him in the archives. In March, I found out he’d been cheating on me, and that was first referenced in a post called Nothing Lasts Forever.
I got very quiet for awhile when that happened, and then in April, I began dating someone named Brandon. That was first referenced in a post called Here’s To New Beginnings. It didn’t turn into anything long term, but it was nice while it lasted.
Then at the end of May, I started dating someone named Nathan. That was mentioned in a post called It’s Never Too Late To Live Happily Ever After.
So that should get things up to speed. Nathan and I are still together and things are going quite well. In fact, I can’t emphasize enough how well things are going. Let’s just say life is good.
Perhaps I’ll elaborate on that more later. But for now, I’ve jumped back to March to tell the story of how things ended with Rodney.
Apology Not Accepted
- Don’t you know my tears will cause an inferno
Romance often fades
Why should I take the blame
You were the one who left me neglected
Apology not accepted
Add it to the broken hearts you’ve collected
Allure, “All Cried Out”
Friday, March 27, 2009 – Rodney was staying in St. Louis with some friends. We’d talked many times throughout the day and night. Most of it was just him crying and begging forgiveness. I must admit that I eventually found myself letting down my defenses.
I’m a strong person, or at least I believe I am. But I’m only human and I found it hard to not believe his promises of a new beginning together. Could the person who inflicted all the pain really take it all away?
There were 7 men in total that he’d been involved with. It made my stomach hurt, my head spin. As much as it sickened me, I demanded details. I wanted all the ugliness to come out. I had to pry and pull to get the information. Despite his sorrow, Rodney seemed unwilling to volunteer any confessions. I had to do all the detective work myself, and I often caught holes in his stories. Lies, lies, lies.
Logically, I knew this was all a bunch of bullshit. How could a man say he’s sorry on one hand, yet continue to dig himself deeper into a hole? But my heart was lonely and aching. I felt vulnerable and scared of living a life without him. It’s a great big world out there, and I wasn’t prepared to face it alone.
That evening, I drove to be with my parents in Illinois. I needed their comfort, their love, and their home cooked meals. They weren’t as supportive as I would have liked, however. They both felt I should forgive Rodney. It’s frustrating and annoying to no end, but to their credit, they both truly believe that a commitment is for life. That’s Catholicism for you.
Before bed that evening, I finally decided to give Rodney another chance. I hated myself for doing it, but I was tangled in his web of promises. I convinced myself that if I never gave it another try, I’d never know how it could be. So I hesitantly shared the news with him.
The rest of the weekend dragged by. I stayed with my family and continued to debate the pros and cons in my head. I still wasn’t convinced that he was sorry, nor that I knew the full story.
On Sunday night, I left to return to Tennessee. Rodney was already there, waiting for me. Was a new life together just around the corner?
The Aftermath of a Broken Heart
(This is the untold story from my break-up last March. We pick up after I found out Rodney was cheating.)
Thursday, March 26, 2009 – I woke up to the penetrating stare of Rodney standing over me. He looked troubled, contemplative. I glanced at the clock. It was 8AM.
“Rodney, what are you doing?” I asked in a sleepy voice.
I don’t remember the answer. My lids felt heavy. A few blinks and I returned to dream land.
I awoke again, this time the room was filled with blinding sunlight. A heavy weight pressed on my chest. It was later in the day. I looked down to find Rodney with his head on my chest. He was sobbing loudly.
“I’m so sorry, Natey. I can’t lose you. Please don’t leave me,” he beckoned.
I couldn’t move and I felt like there wasn’t any energy inside me. I had hoped everything was just a bad dream, but quickly realized this was my life now. This was the next day, the aftermath of a broken heart.
“Rodney,” I said, trying to piece together my groggy words. “Rodney, get off me. Go away.” I was cold and unsympathetic. I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to see his face or hear his voice.
“But I can’t lose you,” he continued. “You’re my life, my everything. I love you. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. Please, please forgive me.”
“Leave me alone,” I whispered darkly.
Without arguing, he got up and exited the bedroom. I crawled out of bed and found my glasses on the nightstand. Then I walked into the bathroom and tried to piece myself together. I felt hungry and sick at the same time. My head was spinning.
But there was no uncertainty. It was over, and that was final. I had no second guesses… only fear. A whole new life, different from one I’d ever imagined. What would I do with myself? I felt so lost without Rodney, but unbending in my convictions.
I put on a t-shirt and shorts, then walked downstairs to fix some breakfast. I don’t know where Rodney had disappeared to, but when I got to the kitchen, he was right behind me, following me like a puppy.
The waterworks started again as he made a dramatic plea for my forgiveness.
“Fuck, Rodney, I told you to leave me alone! Can’t I eat some goddamn breakfast in peace? I’m the one who’s been hurt here. Why are you the one doing all the crying? I can’t deal with this.”
I was angry and felt like I couldn’t get a quiet moment to myself. Not only did I have to deal with being hurt, but then I felt like I needed to console him for cheating on me. My irritation continued to build.
“Rodney, you have to go. You have to get out of this house and let me deal with this. I can’t process anything as long as you’re around, crying and begging me to forgive you. I don’t care where you go, but just go.”
“Okay,” he said with a deep sense of sadness. “Just let me go pack a bag.”
A half hour passed and he was at the side door, going to the garage. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, but with resistance. I loosely hugged him back, not really wanting to touch him at all.
“I’ll always love you, Natey,” he said, tears filling his eyes again and spilling over his red cheeks.
I watched him get in the car and pull out into the driveway. Then I followed around to the window in the living room as he drove away from me.
I got what I asked for and I was alone.
Indecision
I said I wasn’t going to write anymore, and now I feel compelled. If I’m being truly honest, the real reason I stopped was because Rodney and Brandon read the blog. I felt uneasy knowing that my life was so open like that.
Maybe I just needed a break. I’m uncertain. But I’m working it out publicly, as I often seem to do.
I Miss You
I knew it would happen. As soon as I made the decision to stop writing here, I regretted it. As soon as I thought there was nothing more to say, I was flooded with dozens of ideas.
Well, for now anyway, I’m attempting to stay current on Twitter. If you’d like to keep up with me that way, please visit:
http://twitter.com/nathanexposed
And thank you so much for the moving words of support on my last post. It’s the interaction with you that I truly miss.
Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
There are no words to convey how much having this blog has impacted me over the last 4 years. Having a place to divulge my most personal thoughts, feelings, and opinions has been life changing for me. I have been so touched by the kindness of strangers in good times and in bad. You’ve inspired me to believe there is an unlimited supply of love in the world. I am grateful for all of this.
It’s a hard decision to make, but I’ve decided that I no longer wish to write here. I haven’t been writing as often as I’d like to in the past few months, and I just don’t feel like I have much to say.
I was always a bit perturbed with other bloggers when they made a big, dramatic exit. So there will be none of that. I’m not going to proclaim that this is the end because I honestly can’t predict that. Maybe I’ll come back, maybe I won’t. It just depends on how things feel.
But for now, at least for the near future, this is where we say goodbye. Thank you for 4 amazing years of support in this journey of self discovery.
Think of me with a great big smile. 
A Car Ride with Me
Welcome to the sick ways of my mind…
When I’m driving in the car, I often create imaginary scenarios for the people around me. Nobody is immune.
Yesterday, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an elderly man and woman driving behind me. My first thought was “Aw, how sweet.” I don’t know why.
But as I further explored the possibilities, things took a different turn. Perhaps the woman was discreetly giving her man a handjob as he drove along. How much fun would that be?!
Another scenario was a farting contest. Perhaps they were trying to outstink each other. What a fucked up little game that would be.
It would also be fun to imagine they were listening to Marilyn Manson on their iPod… or cassette tape… or 45 record player, whatever.
Hmmm… so many options, but I think the farting scenario is my favorite. Anytime you see people in a car, just stop and imagine they are having a farting contest. Go ahead, it will liven up any commute.
