Fade To Black
This is the last night in my house. Emotions ran high today. Rodney has been crying non-stop as we took everything off the walls, divided our belongings, put them into boxes. The holes left from the nails reminded me of the hole in my heart. (I know, I know, so dramatic. It’s how I felt though.)
It’s been a long time coming and now it’s finally here. It’s really over, and the reality is overwhelming when I see the empty shell of this house that was once a home.
Tonight I crept into the bedroom where he was sleeping. It used to be ours. He was there with our dog Petey. I sat down and started crying. Rodney woke up and we started talking.
I explained some things to him. I explained why I couldn’t forgive him. I explained why I could never trust him again. We had a lot of major differences throughout our relationship, and we both agreed that we were mismatched from the start. But nonetheless, I did love him. If he hadn’t cheated on me, I would have probably stayed with him for the rest of my life.
I gave him a second chance, and he blew that too. I feel like I gave up too easily… but relationships just don’t work without the foundation of trust. There is no trust now. I feel like I never knew him at all.
After about 20 minutes of sobbing and stuttering out broken words, I finally got up and proceeded to leave. It seemed like slow motion. I saw the outline of Rodney’s face in the moonlight. A full moon. I knew I would never see him that way again. He was holding Petey at that point, and they looked like such a happy family that I was no longer part of.
As I walked out, it all seemed to fade to black as I said “goodbye” to the life I used to know.
It’s all changing now and I have to start a new life for myself. A new family of my own. I hope I get my happily ever after this time. I’m a man with a lot of love to give to someone who deserves it.
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My Dear Nathan–You are also a man who deserves to RECEIVE a lot of love, from someone who fully appreciates how special you are, and who truly wants to be with you and no one else.
I feel that your “ending” with Rodney, as difficult as it was, is an important step in the process of healing your heart. And you did it with such dignity and compassion–I’m not at all surprised, but am in awe,nevertheless. You are such a classy guy.
Sending you extra big hugs…
I feel so sad reading this, Nathan. Having said that, I agree there was no turning back. Not after he blew it for the second time. I admire how brave you are – and I think you made the right decision without a doubt. I don’t think anyone can guarantee that life would become happily ever after but I think you will come close as long as you keep striving for it.
This is a really touching post. You will find it all – it may take awhile, just take it from me. And don’t forget to have fun while you are on your life journey. Let me know if you need anything from me!
Very eloquently put. When this day comes for me, I hope we can handle it with as much grace as the two of you apparently did, speaking of the last night in the house.
As others have said, you deserve to RECEIVE lots of love, and we know you have lots of love to give. So, give some, but make sure you get some back!
I’m really very sorry to hear that your relationship didn’t work out. It’s always sad when what you think may be a forever thing turns out to not be.
That was a very heavy entry. It was really good, and reminded me of some times when I’ve had moments like that, seeing someone in a way I’d never see him before. (Like yours, in the moonlight, etc…)
On the brighter side, best of luck with your new life! It’s like starting over again, a brand new life!!
Best of luck, (Bon chance)
Gregorio