Boyfriend Advice
Yahoo! has a community called Yahoo! Answers where people can post a question and ask for advice from the readers. I find the “Relationships” section to be particularly active, mostly with confused girls and women who aren’t getting along with their boyfriends or husbands. I rarely respond, but decided I’d repost this one to see if I could give a good answer.
Her question:
My boyfriend doesn’t respect me.. but why does he stay with me?
Everytime I tell him my feelings about something that bothers me that he might do for example I dont agree with my boyfriend going to strip clubs – i’ve heard it all about how boys will be boys etc and how many women dont care if their bfs go to those places but i do – i think its very disrespectful and i dont like the idea of him coming home to me after that to take it out on me like many other women – puke! anyway, so he promised me he wouldnt do such a thing cuz he knows it’ll hurt me but i found out that he went many times with his buddies and told me he was going to the bar instead.
I feel like its like this with everything, if he puts his mind to something he’ll find a way to do it even if its thru lying and that hurts me and we talk about this stuff so much and he promises me the world and doesnt do any of it.
if this is the case and he doesnt love me or whatever why does he still stay with me and say i love you?
5 yr relationship by the way
My Answer:
I’m sorry to hear that you don’t feel respected after 5 years together with your boyfriend. It sounds as if there are two distinct topics at hand, which you’re merging as one. The first is love, the second is respect.
Love and respect do not necessarily go together, though both are important in making a relationship work. So getting the easiest part out of the way: Does he love you? If he says he does, he probably means it. I don’t know if he would be with you for this long if he didn’t.
The problem is that most couples think love is all you need. It’s a great concept in movies and songs, and Hallmark makes millions off it. But in reality, love is just the tip of the iceberg. When I read stories about couples who’ve been together 50 years, I don’t think any of them say that love is how they made it that long.
Trust, respect, and communication are the secret ingredients of a lasting relationship. Love loses its bloom sometimes, passion loses its flame. But if you trust, respect, and communicate, you will make it through the hard times.
Unfortunately, you and your boyfriend are missing all three of those. And it can’t just be a one way street. You’re both going to have to work on it together if you want it to improve.
The first step is that he has to come to terms with this and realize that what he’s done is unacceptable. It doesn’t matter if other women say strip clubs aren’t a big deal. You can’t worry about the way they manage their relationships, you can only take care of your own. And in your own relationship, you and your boyfriend made a verbal agreement that he would not go to strip clubs. He has broken that agreement and lied about it.
The next issue is lying. This is never acceptable and needs to be addressed immediately. You will never be able to trust him if he is lying, and the disturbing part is when people become comfortable with lying. This opens up a whole world of mayhem, and if he can lie about one thing, he could be lying about all sorts of others.
It’s not about him saying “I won’t lie anymore”. It’s about him developing an internal conscious that really believes lying is a bad thing. It can be destructive in relationships, in jobs, in friendships. It’s just not a good habit, and he needs to break out of it.
Finally, on the topic of communication, there seems to be a lot of this missing. A relationship takes two people to work. I think now would be a great time to sit down and really evaluate things together. Is he completely satisfied with this relationship? If he isn’t, find out what you can do to improve things. Make sure he still wants to be together and make it work. Also, make sure he understands the things you are dissatisfied with. You also need to make sure you still want to be with him.
Best of luck to you. Remember, it’s not about love. That’s just what gets you through the door. It’s about trust, respect, and communication.
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Call it what you will but these two are on the highway to hell.
It sounds like they’ve already been there and back a time or two if you ask me.
By the way, I love your answer Nathan. Maybe from your way of putting she’ll figure out she’s a bit too prudish and he’s a just a player. Oil and water don’t mix unless you shake up real good, only to sit there and watch it separate again