open relationships.
Okay, my friend Kirk brought this topic up and I’ve decided I want to talk about it. I know it’s controversial, and I’m not trying to make any enemies. I discussed a few controversial things last year, and it didn’t go over too well with my readers.
Less restrictions, less problems, right?
The concept of “open relationships” is pretty well-known in the gay community, and it’s actually becoming increasingly popular with straight people too. It allows you the ability to choose a partner, but still have the freedom to sleep with whomever you want.
Millions of couples break up each year because somebody has been unfaithful. By eliminating the concept of cheating, it appears that the relationship is more secure. If you never have to worry about your partner cheating, then you never have to worry about the relationship failing, right?
Nothing worth having comes easily
Well, maybe not. Nothing is that simple. I believe the best things in life are the ones that you have to fight for. Is it easy making that first car payment? No, but you worked for it. Is it easy buying that first house? No, but you worked for it. Is it easy to commit to one person? No, but you worked for it.
I’m not saying relationships are the same as a car or a house. But all good things come with hard work. Let’s say you’ve been single. You’ve dated all kinds of schmucks, looking for “the one”. So now you’ve found that special person. Why would you want to share them with someone else? Why would you want to jeopardize a special bond that only 2 people can understand?
Yes, fidelity is difficult
I’m not a saint. I’ve been with my partner Rodney for 5 years. Yes, my fidelity has been tested many times. But Rodney is my best friend. We have a very special relationship that nobody else sees. When we are alone, we are vulnerable, we are honest, we are tender and loving. I can truly say that none of our friends or family have ever witnessed the connection we have when it’s just the 2 of us. If a 3rd person was involved, all that would be broken.
I do understand the benefits of open relationships. It’s like having your cake and eating it too. It’s like having a whole new dimension of sex available to me at anytime. I can go to a bar and have some guy suck my cock in the corner without any guilt. Kinky, adventurous, exciting. Yes, I know.
But how do I know where my life is going if I don’t even know I’ve got something solid in my home? What if one of us makes a mistake, and contracts an STD? We’d always have to worry about safety. And what happens if one of us develops a relationship with a 3rd person? Do we have to divide our time equally?
Don’t pretend it doesn’t happen. I know all about the rules. “Don’t kiss, don’t talk about personal things, don’t sleep with the same person twice.” But we are humans, not robots. We feel things emotionally. There are no guarantees we won’t get attached to someone else, and then what happens to our relationship?
What works for me might not work for you
I’ve said all this because it’s how I feel about open relationships. Not everybody has a relationship like mine. What works for me might not work for others.
So after saying all that, I want to point out that I do accept the fact that some people do have open relationships. Part of it is just human nature. I have never picked up a guy at a bar, I have never had a one night stand. Actually, I’ve never been sexually involved with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with first.
Sex is not casual for me. And I guess the core issue of open relationships is sex. So if your life relies heavily on sex with multiple people, then open relationships are probably right for you.
But my life, better yet my life with Rodney, is built around every aspect of a relationship. We are selfish and we are not willing to share any part of this relationship with 3rd people. We like feel stable and secure with what we have, and we don’t want anyone to interfere.
This is how open relationships fit into our life. What works for you might be completely different.
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There is a great movie called Together that was released in 2001 or 2002. It is essentially about a hippie commune in Sweden.
There is this seen that exposes how painful open relationships can be.
Sounds great on paper, but it is not for me.
Not for me either. I was in one, and I didn’t want to take advantage of it (and didn’t). He, on the other hand, did have sex with others frequently and it drove me crazy. Even though he wanted an open relationship, he also lied to me when he did use it, so in effect, the cheating and trust element is NOT removed.
I wouldn’t be in one ever again. In my opinion, if you want an open relationship, you are not ready for a relationship, period.
I think it’s silly to give dating a different label, when it’s still dating. If you’re not ready, or if you’re not the type, to settle down with one person, then just date other people until you are ready. Don’t tell someone you love them and they’re “the only” one for you, as long as you can still fuck other people. All it will lead to is jealousy, heartbreak and the end of that relationship.
That’s my two cents. If someone doesn’t like it (because apparently this is controversial), kiss my straight girl ass.
In this instance, what works for you works for me.
Yeah – open relationships don’t float my boat. I’m happy in the one I’m in and totally committed to that one person, and he is to me. I do also understand that it works for some people, but it can be awkward at some stage, I would imagine.
have a cool weekend buddy. CTG
i could never ever do it! i cherish my relationship with my partner and the fact that we’re monogamous. i really like the way you layed this all out, going through it point by point.
also, and this is just my own curiosity, does anyone know a couple with an open relationship that has lasted? i mean, really lasted, as in years or even decades?
Nathan, I could have written that same exact post. I’ve kinda been a wee bit verbal about it on my blog too and although it’s not for me, I’m so not judgemental about it either, just like you. And like you, I’ve never really had a one night stand (there were two but they turned into friendships.. does that count?).
It scares me how similar you and I think about certain things.
Nathan, Very well put. While I personally don’t understand open relationships, if it works for them, then I am happy for them. It is not for me however.
I’m very verbal and judgmental about open relationships. They are for children or childish adults and insecure people. Upon the mere suggestion of an open relationship, I would dump a guy.
Open relationships are not for me either, however, I have a very close friend that is in one. Unlike my partner Marco, I am not judgemental about it. As my friend has reminded me in the past, “this is something that works for us.” I personally don’t see why there is a need for him to be in one as “HOT” as he is, but then again, I am not him.
Thank you for talking about such a controversial subject. I like that about you!
Hmmm you know… I used to think at one point in time that an open relationship would be awesome… because who wouldn’t want to be able to have sex with whomever they wanted but yet still have the comforts of having someone to come home to…
But in the end, I realized that I’d never want to “share” my partner in that way or have to wonder who he finds so sexually more attractive than me that he has to run off in the middle of the night, rather than take his passion out on me
At 47, I have gone through the whole losing-close-friends-to-aids thing; now I am going through the losing-close-friends-who-smoke to cancer thing (over here in Europe gays smoke way more than in the ‘States).
In both cases, the open relationships usually (not always, just mostly) crumble to bits and pieces when the dying partner needs the relationship the most.
What good is a “relationship”, when it isn’t when you need it to be?
Love ya buddy! I am at home now so I can read ya!
I have to admit, open reltionships appeal to me. I am, however, a jealous jealous girl and so I could never actually ‘be’ in an open relationship. I tend to agree that people who are in open relationships just aren’t ready for commitment. Good post!