How to Poop at Work

Jan 26, 2006 / Filed in Humor / 15 Comments

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

This is the act of walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

This refers to a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water, often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

The WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.


[ Thank you so much Sara for sending this to me! ]

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Discussions

15 Comments

  • Brad and I read this together and we thoroughly enjoyed it! I’m such a safe haven seeker.

    adam (Jan 26, 2006)
  • No problem 🙂 It still make me giggle to read it.

    Sara (Jan 26, 2006)
  • As I told you earlier, I have potty humor. Loved it.

    Dan (Jan 27, 2006)
  • Damn…no one told me it was poop week! I missed it. Where do you GET this stuff???

    Scotty (Jan 27, 2006)
  • HAHAHAHHA! That’s classic!

    Steve (Jan 27, 2006)
  • That was the most vulgar, funny, disturbing thing I’ve read in a long time. My favorite is the Havana Omelet.

    Donnie (Jan 27, 2006)
  • hehe what a laugh!! though I don’t know what made you think of this…

    *giggles*

    xK

    Ps. I see I’m in the “girls that would shave their legs if I were visiting” hmm… don’t know about that. *giggles* I only shave my legs for my Nikki 😉

    Kerri (Jan 27, 2006)
  • Oh.my.goodness.

    Subtle, that’s good! 🙂

    Six (Jan 27, 2006)
  • i work with someone who is both an ‘out of the closet pooper’ AND an ‘uncle todd.’ it’s super annoying, actually, because he totally leaves me in the lurch when he goes to the bathroom (and he goes at the same time every day, like clockwork!) and then takes freakin’ FOREVER! aaahhh!

    viva la graham! (Jan 27, 2006)
  • We see all of those here at work. However, there was no name for those people who for some reason, cannot figure out how to flush the toilet. Or those who think paper towels go into the toilet, and thus clogging it, and flooding the bathroom. I feel so sorry for our cleaning staff.

    Scott C (Jan 27, 2006)
  • In case you were wondering what I was over here trying not to crack up about…
    : )

    Jon (Jan 27, 2006)
  • funny stuff. I met a fly by yday on the way to the bathroom.. a coworker was two steps in front of me the whole way.. when I walked in, he grabbed a couple paper towels and left…

    There are paper towels in our offices.. it was an obvious feint after realizing we’d have to share the tiny bathroom together.

    jjd (Jan 27, 2006)
  • Wow! Pretty vulgar stuff. But somewhat funny.

    Andre Koetsch (Jan 28, 2006)
  • Funny, I was reading this on my Pocket PC on the subway tonight and busted out laughing… The girl next to me looked at me funny, and asked, “What are you reading?”

    And I showed it to her and we both laughed our asses off, and missed our stop and ended up in Brooklyn. You Bastard!!

    But regardless, I think you’ll dig this site: http://www.poopreport.com/

    All poop… all the time…

    Mr. Secret (Jan 29, 2006)
  • Haha. What a collection! You’re damn right workpoop is inevitable, I’ve seen it happen several times.

    The worst is when someone didn’t even flush!

    Kiss My Mike (Jan 29, 2006)

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I'm a happily married gay man, writing about my life as a new father and sharing our adventures with a side of snark.
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