Nobody Wants to Be Lonely, Part 1
My time warp continues, but I am no longer stuck in 1998 with memories of Jack. Now, I am re-living 2001 when I first met Rodney. And I must admit, I’m enjoying the flashbacks. They make me fall in love with him all over again.
But our relationship got off to a rocky start. We had all the warning signs of a doomed romance. But we’ve made it and I believe we always will.
Before I met Rodney
Let me preface by saying I was in a relationship with a man from China in 1999-2001. I’ll give him a fictional name, let’s say Don because it’s easy to type. So Don was the first guy I really exchanged vows with and we lived in an apartment in Illinois. We were very much alike and even our birthdays were 3 days apart. You’d think it would be fun to have someone like yourself, but it wasn’t.
Our relationship got boring, and I realized how annoying Don was AFTER we had an apartment together. But I was in love, and I didn’t want to leave him. I thought about it sometimes, but I’m not someone who gives up easily.
2001
Fast forward to January, 2001. We became friends with Rodney, who lived in the apartment across the parking lot. He was single and lived alone. As soon as we became friends, there was a feeling with Rodney that made me very nervous.
Something happened whenever I was near him. It was more than sexual attraction, it was chemistry and it was powerful. We became really good friends and had all kinds of secret jokes we shared when we were in public. Little by little, Don sort of slipped out of the picture. Instead of the 3 of us hanging out, it became the 2 of us.
One night, we were on the phone and Rodney told me he had feelings for me. He told me all the details. I was in the living room, and I could look out the window and see Rodney in his apartment. Don was in bed asleep.
I felt very dirty about the whole thing. But Rodney was being honest, and I always want the truth. But I had the same feelings, and I couldn’t share them. Things had fallen apart with Don, and I just didn’t want to be there anymore. But I felt I had to resist.
I don’t like to keep secrets from my partner, so I told Don about Rodney’s feelings. But I didn’t tell Don how I felt. Naturally, he was very pissed. He became hostile about Rodney. But I tried to smooth things over. I hoped it would all fix itself.
The feelings take over
Each night, after work, I immediately went to Rodney’s home instead. We became like a couple, but without the affection. Rodney cooked dinner for me (mmm…food). He took care of me, and we talked about all kinds of things. I loved being with him and I looked forward to going to his home. It always smelled like Banana Bread. It was all decorated and such a warm atmosphere. By contrast, my home with Don was black and white and sterile. I didn’t like going there.
Don watched from the window and the hostility grew. We argued all the time, and my guilt took over. It got so bad that I vomited every time I was confronted. It was all psychological, but it got to the point that Don made me sick. As soon as I saw him, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Flattering, huh?
I wanted to work things out, I wanted to make it all better with Don. But my body wouldn’t let me. It got so bad that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Don was getting demanding and possessive, which pushed me further away. I remember our last night together.
The last night with Don
Rodney had moved into a larger apartment around the corner. I went to help him move in. That night, we talked about the problems I was having. It got late, and I was tired. I had to go home to Don, but I really wanted to stay with Rodney.
I got home around Midnight. Don was severely pissed. He confronted me and wanted to know what happened. But nothing happened with Rodney that night.
On cue, my stomach went crazy and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. It hurt so bad, because I had been doing the same routine for days. I know I couldn’t go on this way.
I stood in the bathroom doorway, Don was in the bedroom doorway. I said “Don, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been so wrong, and I’m sorry. But it’s over.”
Then came the face I will never forget. Don’s heart broke. I have never seen a more awful reaction. It was like his whole body shut down. He died inside and I saw it with my own eyes. He started crying, and I couldn’t believe it had really happened.
I tried to console him, but just being near him made me sick…
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oh, this was so sad, I almost cried. I hope your and Rodney’s life together is full of happieness…
Thanks John. It was sad, but it was my fault and I take the blame. Sometimes “the one” doesn’t turn out to be the right one.
Anyway Rodney and I have been together since early 2001, and we’re very happy. Thanks for your comment. I know you’ve been here before, and I hope you’ll continue.
It’s amazing how physical this stuff can be to the point where you were throwing up! It’s a really sad story Nathan but I’m glad it has a happy ending for you and Rodney. unfortunately there are often a few casualties on the way to finding the one.
Omg, what happened next???? The “to be continued” was very cruel, Nathan! >:)
By the sounds of it though, it didn’t sound like just your “body” was wanting something different. I think you had mentally disconnected from Don for some time and meeting Rodney was just the last straw because I don’t think you’re the type of guy who is driven mostly by the physical.
Sorry to be cruel Sunshine
I didn’t mean to be. Memory lane was making me sick, so I had to end that session. But I will write more, I promise.
I know that you and I are both sentimental fools who love getting caught up in memories.