Ghost of the Past
Sometimes all it takes is one song to completely transform me to another place and time. And then feelings that have been buried for 7 years come to surface, resulting in a really sick stomach.
I was reading on Scotty’s blog about how he use to love boy bands. I’m not ashamed to say it – I loved boy bands too. That put me in the mood to listen to a Backstreet Boys CD. That sure was a mistake.
The song “As Long As You Love Me” took me back to January 14, 1998, when I first met Jack. It probably doesn’t help that I have been re-living my memories with Jack in recent posts, but I digress. The was one of “our songs”. It’s a lame song really. Completely unrealistic. But I was 16 at the time, and we felt connected with that song.
I don’t miss being with any of my ex’s. I’ve been with Rodney for going-on 5 years and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But the present time can never change the past. Even if I love somebody else right now, it doesn’t change the fact that I loved Jack back then.
Where does love go when a relationship dies? You cannot kill love. You can deny it with feelings of hate or anger, you can avoid it with indifference, but once somebody is in your heart, I think it’s impossible to erase them.
Jack is the most stubborn ghost of them all. He will never go away. We had an unhealthy obsession with each other. If we had to be apart for more than a few hours, we got physically sick. We were both highly emotional, extremely sensitive, very clinging, and very much in love.
I don’t think I could ever love like that again. It wouldn’t be healthy. We were too much for each other. Too much passion. It all fell apart in the end.
I suppose I haunt people too. Every single one of my ex’s continues to try to contact me. At least once a year, I get an e-mail from an ex, trying to become friends. I won’t do it.
I do my best not to think about the past. Nothing brings it flying back faster than music.
As long as there is music, I will always have Jack.
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I’d love to say something sweet or supportive, but all I can really think to say is that once I went to a Backstreet Boys concert and Howie (my favorite) reached out and held my hand while he sang.
Swoon!
Thanks Vince, but you don’t have to say anything sweet or supportive. We all have ghosts that haunt us. Nothing can take that away.
That’s a cool story about Howie. He held your hand? How gay! hehe
Great Post!
Good post, and so true.
Thanks guys
Sorry about the bad memories but I am glad to see I am not the only gay man willing to admit I STILL like the Backstreet Boys! Music is definitely a catalyst to our past though…